direction--redefinition

2011-05-30T21:44:00.001-07:00

i feel like my life has been posoined

2011-05-19T23:56:00.001-07:00

i want a new life

2011-01-10T22:50:00.000-08:00

withdrawal

I've been banking the little bits of motivation that I've been saving up. It may not be much at all, but with all the interest it's been collecting, it's something. I've got to make sure I don't blow it all in one place.

No matter how much you try and give people the benefit of the doubt, you will be let down at some point.

2011-01-05T23:08:00.000-08:00

newness

A void is an empty space, a blank page, a clean slate.
What better than to fill that space with something altogether new or different?

I think that's something I can run with.

40mph on an unwaxed snowboard ain't too bad of a start.
I need some wax.

2011-01-04T15:33:00.000-08:00

open invitation

They say dreams are a window into your subconscious, maybe even into your soul. I had two this morning that have me wondering.

Dream sequence #1:

[I don't remember this one that clearly... skipping to the first clear thing] I was sitting behind the large desk downstairs in the den, but I was at the house I used to live in back before 9th grade. I was having an argument with my mom [I guess everything was shifted back in time except it didn't seem like I was a different age... funny] about a fight I got into. Actually, I basically got jumped by four or five guys. And I was pistol whipped. My mom was upset that I got into a fight in the first place, and I was upset that she wasn't having any sympathy on me, not to mention the fact that I didn't do anything to provoke the fight in the first place.

Then as I was trying to explain what happened to my mom, I went into a dream flashback and saw myself get surrounded my the four or five guys who jumped me, in what seemed to be my kitchen [probably as a loose reconstruction of "past events" in the "present" tense and setting of the dream]. Right at the start, I got pistol whipped [butt of the gun] and then take a beating. I don't think I was even halfway conscious at that point. [I don't remember much after that]

End dream sequence #1

Dream sequence #2:

First thing I remember is asking my friend "L" to stay over for a little while. He stayed somewhere that looked like on of the three story apartment complexes in Irvine. Then for some reason I remembered that one of my one homegirls also lived there, and apparently didn't mind if I stayed over, so I went into her apartment and found that nobody was home. I wanted to take a shower, and then suddenly I'm walking around in my boxers [only because nobody was home] and then lost track of the time wandering around the apartment.

[Then there's a shift in the setting] I found myself in the apartment of "Y" [who I haven't seen in a while], and remembered him talking about how nice his room was. So I kept walking around [these apartments seemed more like large five bedroom houses in my dream] and found a large bedroom, very nicely furnished, with a walk in closet opposite the bed. I looked in and it was like a cave, but I thought the clothes in there didn't look like things "Y" would normally wear. Then I walked around and found a connected room that was a little smaller and looked in the closet and figured it must be "Y's" room. I sat down for a minute by the bed in the second room and "G" walks in, not too surprised to see me. Then friend "K" comes in and things come together in my head.

I didn't know "K" had lived with "Y", or even anywhere close, and it was obvious from the look on "K's" face that he was caught in a lie. Then he half apologizes [without bothering to look me in the eye] and tries to talk about something to avoid the awkwardness. All I could think about was what a damn fool I've been for not thinking something was up. That, plus the fact it seemed there were more than a few people helping keep the secret [though I couldn't think of any reason why "K" would lie about that, other than to passive-aggressively avoid me.

End dream sequence #2

Sometimes dreams seem closer to reality than reality itself.

persona non grata

.

2011-01-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

I wonder what it would be like to have to relearn how to walk.

It would probably be countless hours of frustration, but on the other hand, there's the opportunity to throw everything automatic out the window and take things (quite literally) step by step.

All things considered, I think an experience like that would do me well right now.

Turn off auto-pilot so to speak.

In other news, I cooked sinigang for the first time ever.

I <3 sour.

2011-01-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

the hazy days
of life's parade
are keeping me from seeing all that i've done
no way to leave
no air to breathe

the frenzied pace
all but erased
the memories of just how far i've come
no other way
no more to say

there's not a bridge to burn
there's nothing left to learn
don't matter where you turn
cause all roads lead to you
to you

so i ran away
tried to escape
the winding roads that carried me to my fate
no way to live
no more to give

i lost my way
and stopped to pray
watch over me
cause i am losing my faith

and it's a bore
searching for
need something more
just be sure

there's not a bridge to burn
there's nothing left to learn
don't matter where you turn
cause all roads lead to you
to you

2011-01-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

always gone but never hard to find
and since you can't escape me do i ever cross your mind...

...i'm looking forward to the memories of right now
never forgetting from where i came
and no matter where i'm headed i promise to stay the same

2009-05-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

strange dreams

*wild disaster situation
hurricane force winds
driving down the freeway
cars and people being lifted off by the wind
get to safety inside a restaurant
i sit at a booth across from a girl
we start talking about how crazy the day is
she starts catching feelings

*sitting on some couches or benches with a bunch of people
sitting right next to hot cold
she says that i'm too close to her
so i stand up and sit down again
but then her leg is pushed up against my leg and she doesn't say anything

2009-05-20T03:47:00.000-07:00

for lack of better words or simply because it seems appropriate
fuck my life.
fuck my birthday.
fuck.

There's a lot that can be said about the unsaid things that come up in life, especially when you're talking about how we all are tied together. I believe the fabric of the society is often as convoluted and mysterious as the fabric of the universe, and the seams that keep things in order are constantly being sewn and resewn, and sometimes torn apart completely.

2009-05-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

I always have my most vivid dreams right before my alarm or right after I hit snooze.

*begin dream sequence

It's my birthday party. Lots of family in the garage, and some of my friends too. Lester was there, but I think he was family (we're related?).

**Strange transition 1

I'm driving down the 71 ( the freeway by my house), but it's unpaved. There was a lot of construction going on so I had to slow down a stop a lot. The construction workers were checking driver's tongues for something, but I don't know what. I'm pretty sure someone was in the passenger seat, but I can' remember who. There were several forks in the road, and it seemed like we were going in circles at one point.

At one point we had to get out of the car and walk. For some reason now we were very gung ho about it. Now I realize I was traveling with a girl (but i still don't remember who). We came to a very narrow part in a trail, which went up along the side of a mountain. It was rocky and slippery, almost jungle like. It was almost impossible to fit through a hole in a rock formation and I couldn't get a good grip anywhere. There was only a narrow ledge to grip to try and step up some really short, steep rock steps. It turns out we were on top of a giant horn and right at the mouthpiece. Right as I was about to risk falling to try to fit through the rock opening I saw a sign that suggested we blow into the horn. When we did something opened up and we slid down a corkscrew in the horn (like it was Raging Waters or something)

** Strange Transition 2

I was in my apartment (even though we were just at my house) watching Aladin with my wife (wtf?!?!... let's call herJane) when my dad shows up to our apartment. He says something to me and then goes to the bathroom down the hall to take a shower. After a little while Jane wants some... attention, we run down the hallway to our bedroom, only my dad exits the bathroom at the same time, impeding our progress. Suddenly it's very awkward. She makes it to the room ahead of me while i'm stalled by my dad. After a few moments I finally get to the bedroom. There's a bunk bed or loft bed in the middle of the room a little off to the side and not much else, except for some pillows on the floor. Jane wife is up in the bed, fast asleep.

** Strange Transition 3

I go back into the living room and our roommates (another couple) are moving some things around. It looks like they decided to renovate their room. They replaced the toilet (in their room?!?!) and added a wood burning stove/heater in the middle of the room with a exhaust pipe through the ceiling.

** Strange Transition 4

I'm back in my bedroom, and I climb the bunk bed to wake up Jane. It looks like she's hiding under the covers, but when I pull them away, she's not there. Suddenly it starts raining hard, with thunder and lightning. I look out the window and I realize my driver's side car window is open (as it is in real life--the damn thing won't roll up) . I rush outside to get to the garage (at my house... even though I'm at my apartment?!?!) to switch my brothers car and my car, which was outside in the driveway. Once I got outside, I was in downtown LA (although it also could have been downtown Chicago). I ran around the corner to the next building where my brother was so I could get his keys. As I was running, someone down the street pulled out two antique style pistols and started shooting randomly at people. I made it around the corner safely, but another guy pulled out a gun and started shooting randomly as well.

I ducked into the building and ran to the elevators. Once the doors opened up I went in and pushed a button, but there were some other people waiting, a girl wearing a hat and a guy. They didn't enter right away though. Instead the girl stands at the doors and looks at me funny. I start staring at her because she's staring at me and then i realize it's Josie. They finally step into the elevator and I ask her what's she's doing here and she introduces me to her husband.

*end dream sequence

2009-02-28T00:52:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, this road will bear no signs of direction, direction
So rely on your heart to lead the way, lead the way, lead
And sometimes you will need to take correction, correction
Don't you dare let your humble mind sway

thinking of you

2009-02-27T00:48:00.000-08:00

beggin

Sometimes you don't know what you've got...

beggin you

And sometimes you don't know what you're lacking

put your loving hand out baby

Sometimes you know too much.

2009-02-24T02:49:00.000-08:00

trust

It's a little overwhelming going from having nothing on your plate to having to try to squeeze in a break here and there. At least it means I can pay off a few bills.

All things considered, I think I'm moving in a better direction.

2009-02-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

late breaking

It's alright. For real. Maybe not how you or I would have it, but what can you do?

The random conversations I've been having have given me a little perspective. So now I'm on a "take whatever you can get and keep-it-moving" kinda tip. So far, I can't say it hasn't done me well.

What's the deal with this affinity for leftovers? I dunno. I guess I truly am one to hate to let things go to waste.

For you, I'll try a little harder.

For you, I know excuses will never suffice.

I hope I can make you happy

2009-02-17T02:05:00.000-08:00

exit

I think I'm done with you. I should have trusted my instincts.

Sometimes it's the worst thing to know you're not wrong.

So this is the change of scenery I managed for myself. The view is not what I expected. And only I can change that.

Some day this will all make sense.

Right now there are only a few things that feel anything close to "right." Basketball is one of them. No matter how much I stink it up sometimes, the game transcends the stupid bullshit that comes every day. It's simple, finite. There are also the rare conversations that I have nowadays, the ones that don't always start right because old thoughts are hard to pin down... and yet the words are never as important as the process.

My head voice has gotten increasingly vulgar as of late. I've mixed in a good dose of cynical to go with my idealism. All this only serves to remind me of how much I don't like where I am right now.

Maybe as I quit you, I'll pick up something that'll bring me a little something good.

space and time

2009-02-06T05:28:00.001-08:00

It's 5AM and I'm slightly less than wide awake in my bed. This is my pre dawn manifesto.

Before I make this leap I take a breath, if only to slow down my quickening heartbeat. Things seem to move a whole lot faster now. I'm not content to keep up any longer.

So off I go. I could stay and reminisce, but that time has past. Maybe when we cross paths again. I don't where these roads lead, but I need to know. If I get lost, it's part of finding my way.

The one thing that gives me pause is the thought of not being able to see this through with you. Maybe that's why it's easier to keep going and look back only to appreciate, and not to ponder about what things might have been.

My dreams are bigger than my world, and my reality is somewhere inbetween. I hope I still can find you there.

Is this how it goes? I used to believe in having roots to put down and grow. Now I see these roots not as anchors in the ground but ties between us. We keep in motion, never stationary. Some stay in familiar currents while others are carried to new places. I choose not to fight it. Maybe if our roots are strong enough to stretch beyond this time and space we'll be together again, both different and the same.

2009-02-06T02:53:00.000-08:00

moving on up

here goes

It's been an interesting week. Somehow, for all that's been going on, I don't have much to say off the top of my head.

Forgive me for being forthright with this. I'm only being real. And that seems to sum up my problem as of late. Or perhaps, my problem in general.

You could say I've been pretty good at avoiding failure. Now I don't think I've failed enough. That's not a good thing for me either. I think I'm chronically adverse to the curve, falling either far ahead or well behind. I can't say that I've been putting much effort into this.

Shit.

As nice as it would be to start fresh, I still have some ends to tie up. Take care of business so to speak. A few things I'd rather not look back on and regret for not making an attempt at.

So now I've really got no choice in the matter. This time, it's not such a bad thing. I know there's an abundance of blessings that come from the worst of circumstances. That's no statement on the state of my life, but I'm definitely not in the best circumstances.

I've got work to do.

2009-02-04T01:49:00.000-08:00

i can do without the passive aggressivenesss

i don't know i picked this up from, but i'm coming down with something.

2009-02-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

Wow.

That's all I have to say right now

2009-01-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

precipitation

2008-12-12T00:59:00.000-08:00

oh my tortured sole[s], part two

I got to 24 a little earlier hoping that the same cats weren't monopolizing the court again. They were there, and since I went specifically wanting to ball, I waited. Three games I waited, even though I should have only waited one. It sucks not knowing anyone and waiting for pickup games. The third game got started and I was getting warmed up. Turns out these dudes like to argue. As good as two of the guys were, they liked to argue about stupid calls. That got everyone arguing. There were at least six occasions when they stopped playing for 3-5 minutes and argued. It was so ridiculous to the point of comedy. One of the shorter dudes got pissed off for being called for traveling, so he chucked the ball from half court to the wall. Well the ball almost didn't make it to the wall. Pretty funny. Two of the other cats almost went to blows... well maybe a shoving match... when the game was over one of them was still heated, so he jumped up and put a hole in the drywall near the exit sign.

So I played.... more like ran around and through screens, hoping I'd grab a loose ball or long rebound so I could dribble a few times, maybe think about taking a shot. There's a whole lotta iso up top... "i don't need a screen. clear the lane and look at me drive this into traffic"... I didn't get my first shot attempt till my fourth game. good thing i swished it. and then two possessions later we lost.

My feet are tore up. And I'm sore. But in a good way.

I'll pick this up again in a few days

2008-12-11T01:05:00.000-08:00

turn the corner

I feel like I'm making some headway.

push

2008-12-10T00:55:00.000-08:00

repopulation

Slowly but steadily, I'm filling up my old ass Zen with music courtesy the Zune Pass 14 day free trial. Unfortunately, the subscription tracks don't seem to work with my crackberry, even though Rhapsody's tracks work with both the Zen and the Storm. The deal (almost) breaker is the weak ass Rhapsody software (I mean really? Really?) compared to the goodness that is Zune 3.0 Marketplace. Plus the 10 free (sans DRM) tracks that go along with the Zune Pass. That's pretty major. Even with the inky spider web blob of a screen on my Zen, I think I'm willing to forego the compatibility with the Storm and stick with Zune over Rhapsody... and maybe pick up a smaller player to bring everywhere, so I wouldn't be draining my phone battery so fast. The new Samsung Sensa Clip 8gb is supposed to support subscription services and it's supposed to be mad cheap ($75?), plus reviews say it has some of the best audio quality among all mp3 players. Cheap enough to make justification of some sick in-ear headphones (Ultimate Ears 5.0 Pros ~$200) a little bit easier. I got to make some headway in the gainful employment direction first though.

I miss the days when I used to watch Kings-Lakers games with my old roommates from Sacramento. Man, I love watching them Lakers lose.

Speaking of basketball, it's kind of crazy looking at the power shifts, which Cleveland and Boston going nuts in the East, a team which will not be mentioned again today being tailed by Portland (which is going to be a monster in the next few years), and some of the older contenders falling by the wayside. When are the Hornets gonna show up? I really hope Iverson works out in Detriot. Derrick Rose is... wow. And you got dudes like Rudy Fernandez, OJ Mayo, Caron Butler, Danny Granger, et al playing out of their minds. I love this game.

Jason Mraz's new album is like John Legend's new one. Shouldn't be slept on. I'm a little ashamed of myself. I got a good excuse though.

24 Hr Fitness is a long way from the ARC. A freaking mile of cardio equipment lined up like a military formation, one damn squat rack (seriously?), almost no redundant machines, a basketball court with a low ceiling that smells like a gym bag all the time (at least this one has a court... most don't), a lot more douchey older dudes that monopolize equipment, and less... wildlife. And no towel service! I miss those pink towels. Maybe I'll get used to it, because it's less than half the price.

Leverage on TNT looks pretty good, from what I watched today. Kinda like the Ocean's movies, but in a syndicated series. Yes, more ways to kill time.

Speaking of time, my clock is seriously out of whack. I need to work on that.

2008-12-09T01:35:00.000-08:00

boredom strikes with the ferocity of a great white shark

and i'm sinking

reset

2008-12-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

don't sleep

Good night. Especially by my newly lowered standards. It helped to get into bed on time last night, because I felt pretty decent in the cloudy morning. No frost on the car windows outside? Eighty all the way down to Irvine, fairly smooth sailing at work, and despite the last minute things to tend to, none of it got to me. I even had no problem staying late and helping out some more although I missed some free breakfast.

And the weather! Season appropriate weather? Who woulda thunk? Damn, I love the cool air. It made the walk to mass all the better. Good words to grow from at mass, and leftover Vietnamese sandwiches in the fridge sealed the deal. Didn't have the energy to drive back right away, so I took a nap in my car (again) and enjoyed the last bits of sun peeking through the clouds and the cool breeze.

I haven't driven home during dusk in a while. Cruise control, not having to use the a/c, 5 speeds, fast traffic, and a good soundtrack. I saw another shooting star too. In the same spot in the sky, almost exactly a month after I saw my last one, on the way home after my last night in Irvine.

Didn't have the energy to make the gym either, but I had dinner with my dad, then watched some food network and had a little convo. Bonding time with Pops. Good deal. Then helped out the Meechsters with one of her many projects and did the usual online deal. Lil bro came down for his midnight "lunch." I convinced him to forgo the easy microwave lasagna (seriously?) and cook up some chicken sausage and fried egg sandwiches on garlic bread. I gotta teach him a lot still. It's nice doing it family style. I wasn't digging the "do you own thing" vibe that's been way things have been for the longest.

I finally got to listening to new music. After my music subscription switched from Yahoo to Rhapsody, I let it run its course and it didn't auto renew. I kept recycling playlists from the few CDs and mp3s I have on my computer and in my car, and playing some songs off youtube and imeem, but I've been on a Zune Pass trial for the past two days, and wow... no comparison. So much good stuff out there. I can't believe I semi-slept on Evolver. Dope. Dopeness. Pete Yorn is unofficially on my short list.

sleep well

2008-12-07T23:45:00.000-08:00

me: are you sad that your boy lost?

Michelle: i watched pacman online

me: sad por la raza?

Michelle: LOL shut up

sad por la raza.. you kill me

2008-12-06T01:07:00.000-08:00

oh my tortured sole[s]

I've missed you, but it's really my fault I haven't given you any attention lately. I really want to make this work out, you and I. I know I didn't make the greatest effort today, but I lost a little bit of the energy I used to have. And though I feel beaten and bruised, I know it's worth it, because for a few moments today, I felt complete.

I love you, basketball.

My feet are hating on you though. Don't worry though. They'll get a little calloused after a while and then it'll be all good.

2008-12-03T00:55:00.000-08:00

adjustment

I'm not doing that well yet with the moved-back-home thing. But I do have a few high points here and there.
- I can cheer for whoever plays against the Lakers without having to be worried about crushing some poor sap's fragile fanboy ego (oooooh ouch). Troy Murphy FTW! (wtf?)
- I think I'm almost halfway done with the bedroom excavation. I still have to figure out what to do with the stuff I haven't disposed of yet. Considering how lazy I've been though, it's a pretty decent accomplishment for not having thrown boxes of stuff away en masse.
- I made some human contact from inside these walls. Yes, it was limited to IMs and text messages, but one electronic conversation is better than zero of any kind.

2008-11-27T02:08:00.001-08:00

It's been so long I didn't even realize so much time has passed. Maybe that's what happens when you grow up. Things happen so fast you never have time to see it all unfold. It's a game of catch up you can never win. Then you have the rare time when you connect one more time and things continue without skipping a beat, but more often than not you end up acknowledging that change is the only thing that you can count on. I don't think this is one of those continuation type moments. I really could use some of them now, though.

In any case, thank God for the times we've had, and may the changes in our lives truly be for the best. I wouldn't have it any other way.

cheers

2008-11-26T17:00:00.000-08:00

taking the L

Welcome to the suck. I guess that applies right now.

2008-11-21T00:25:00.000-08:00

i've got a lot on my plate
and i'm not one to waste food

2008-11-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

thanks to Matt, I just found out my elf ear is actually a Darwinian Tubercle

Seeing that video, and going through all my old high school schoolwork that I never got around to getting rid of, I'm getting really really restless with this directionless, semi-employed, malnourished, and athrophied state I'm currently in.

keep it moving

2008-11-18T23:37:00.001-08:00

cleaning out my closet

Alright, so I'm already done with that. In fact, that was the easy part. The rest of it is an uphill battle for sure. My mission: to turn the time capsule that is my old room into my room once again. And by time capsule I do mean time capsule. There are things stashed away in there from my high school days that haven't moved in more than 10 years. To add to that, my brother decided to make the room his storage area/dumping ground. And to top it off, my mom liked to keep things (some random, some not) in the room also. All in all, considering I had basically moved 90% of all my belongings out while I was away, I'd guess somewhere between 2/3 and 3/4 of all the stuff in the room isn't mine.

I've never felt more motivated to throw things away. The difficulty comes in knowing it's not my stuff to throw away. As much as I've grown out of being a pack rat, it's much different trying to reverse the accumulation that 3 different people have contributed to. My efforts will mostly be reduced to moving things around. I really want to start this off fresh.

There's also the emotional aspect of it that's challenging. I can't get myself to dispose of things until I've at least looked them over in detail, and that's where I get stuck. It's one of those times you wish you didn't have such a good memory. Everything seems to carry some kind of memory with it, and I'm not one to trash memories. So that means the clothes that my mom bought me or my brother or herself that never left their respective bags or boxes are so difficult to part with. Receipts and handwritten notes. For some things, I can take photographs of them and look the other way as I relegate them to the trash pile, but some things will never evoke the some reactive in their material absence. It's one of my dreaded responsibilities of adulthood, but I'm through with it being a stumbling block for what I'm making room for.

2008-11-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

flash

One of the aspects I love most about photography is it's ability to take a slice out time and lay it out in far more detail than you can ever expect to gather at any single moment. Studying how light plays into photography has opened up things for me I didn't realize were possible; flash in particular, can take ever smaller pieces of time and flush them into a coherence that isn't possible by other means.

I drove home yesterday. Strange, that being a statement in its own. Somewhere close to the Orange county/San Bernardino county border, a flash in the midnight sky caught my eye; it was maybe the 4th shooting star I've seen while driving. This one was something else though. It burned in my vision for several moments brighter than any other that I can remember. I wonder what kind of photograph that flash would make.

2008-11-10T19:10:00.000-08:00

retreat

Why does this feel like I'm taking an L?

Something about this place seems to sap the energy out of me.

It's nice to know when some things break, there's something to fall back on. It's too bad this doesn't apply to everything.

2008-11-10T02:33:00.000-08:00

egress

change gonna come

Now is that time.

peace and love

2008-11-06T00:59:00.000-08:00

the afterglow

I have a little faith restored in this democracy of ours. Unfortunately, there were plenty of asinine, ignorant, and outright racist and hateful remarks on facebook and other forums that blunted my enthusiasm for the moment. Really, America? Is this how pervasive your darker side is? If so, I can only choose to call you on it, and try to move forward, hoping to drag you along. Like it or not, we're in this together.

And after the ugliness subsides, it still blows my mind what we as a nation have just done.

Hope and prayers for our new leader, and for us all.

2008-11-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

yes, we can.

2008-11-04T01:22:00.000-08:00

breakdown

I left a piece of my on the court today. A little bit of my left elbow to be precise. Add to that a slightly bruised hip, sore left fingertips, and my reinjured right index. My pinky sprains aren't even 100% yet... more like 75%. I really should take a few weeks off to heal everything, but I love basketball too much.

I'm finna Barack the vote tomorrow. I know the word gets thrown around way too often when it comes to elections, but maybe we'll actually see a true mandate for change.

I was surprised to see that someone mowed the [very dead] grass back at home. I guess it's not so ridiculous now. (Now only slightly ridiculous)

2008-11-01T02:22:00.000-07:00

zombified

I never was able to get back to bed last night. Instead, I took an extended nap from 10:30 am to 2:30 pm. And now I'm a bit out of sorts.

2008-10-31T03:35:00.000-07:00

insomniac

I can't sleep. I wonder how many other people are awake right now, staring at their computer screens. Falling asleep on the couch while the tv was on probably was a bad thing. It's definitely an annoyance to be able to fall asleep almost at will 90% of the time, only to fail miserably the other 10%. Plus, it's maybe 80 degrees in this room. I really look forward to being able to slip into nice cool (cold) sheets and never having to throw the sheets off or flip the pillow over. I can feel the heat coming off my back as sit here. As much as I don't want to admit it, I might have to buy a little a/c unit for my room back home just to be able to sleep at night.

It looks like that McCain fellow is trying to win the election by appealing to fear, xenophobia, and greed. That's exactly the kind of leadership we need.

I think I need to take a walk.

2008-10-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

stasis

Through there still remains a nagging thought of all the things that may undermine this brand new paradigm, optimism grows best in dark times.

I hope.

I had a dream this morning that I was eating out with some friends, and as we were leaving one of them started giving out long, somewhat awkward hugs to everyone. We all laughed, and someone said, "See you in October." I was confused, so my friend told me he was leaving, and would be back until October, but three years from now. And then everyone started tearing up. It's as if we never saw it coming.

gone till October

After reading an article about the state of healthcare today, and the whole thread of attached comments, I'm at a loss to think of how it can ever be fixed. A good deal of the problem lies in the privatization of health care, where profit comes before well being. I've always wondered why doctors and other health care professionals had to sacrifice so much of their lives and resources to get the education and training, only to be overworked and handicapped by a system that almost forces them to do only what is good enough. In the end, we all pay the price.

antagonist

I guess I've made you the antagonist to my protagonist, although I'm not sure anymore if you make sense in this story

sign of the times

The grass was yellow brown and dead, even disappearing in some spots, leaving nothing but dry earth. The wall stands where the old broken fence used to, closing it in, cutting everything out. The piles of aged newspapers and dated magazines leave hints of a place where time seems to move in contrast to everything else. I haven't been there in too long.

i wish you were still here

2008-10-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

mastered the art

At some point, you realize that you can't build up if you don't have a foundation. And despite the economy's downtown, I have several developments I don't plan on shelving, trivial as they may be. Hopefully my economics don't slow me down too much.

Sorry to say, the whole isn't always greater than the sum of its parts. If this is the case, it's probably a good idea to break off a piece and cut your losses.

you can't love someone in your mind
you can only love with your heart

2008-10-26T00:24:00.000-07:00

making moves

Yeah right.

I need to get this off the ground.

2008-10-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

i overslept a little

Well... a lot actually. It happens when I have real convoluted dreams. I don't remember the exact flow of it all but I remember:

- I was visiting Chicago
- someone (Balster?) had a cut on his toe that turned out to be cancerous (i saw on the news last night that Tom Brady's knee liagment got infected after surgery). He was pretty nonchalant about it though.
- We moved back to our old apartment, only the garage was now a three car garage and we had the middle space. the crazy landlord actually emptied out the other two sides of the garage which were completely packed with old cars and junk (though she'd never do it in real life). We moved the old cars to the very edge of the driveway and had all sorts of room.
- In Chicago, I went out at night and there were people chilling on top of a smaller building by one of the rivers. I sat down and someone gave me a pizza. A tour boat passed by and I recognized one of my friends on it, so I yelled, "Hey [insert name here]!," and she yelled back, "Hey, you.... human."
- Right after the boat passed my sister came up to the top of the building, carrying her own pizza. She offered me some. I asked her how long she was staying for and she said from the 24th to the 28th.

2008-10-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

magnetic

Funny (not really) the things one gets assigned blame for. Sometimes I don't even have to energy to clear things up.

The election is (once again) getting to the point where everything is diluted and twisted and ugly. I really hate how it happens like this. I always thought it was far more effective, not to mention ethical, to appeal to people using logic and reason, and yet it seems name calling and distortion of truth is the method du jour. Maybe it's because so much of politics hinges on self-interest; people forget that the system tries to leverage self-interest into a greater good. I'm hopeful for this coming election, but that's not to say I don't have my fears about it as well.

2008-10-23T02:03:00.000-07:00

cascade

The forcast calls for haze all day and into the early morning hours, followed a lot of nothing...

Lately at work, it seems like the problems never stop materializing, and as soon as I knock something down, there's two more things to contend with. To make it even more taxing, I don't think I'm up for it this week. Earning a paycheck is great, but I'm pretty much on the bottom rung on the capitalist ladder, and really, I'm just trying to get by for the time being. There's a whole lot more to life than survival. I remember writing that in a forum somewhere and caught a whole mess of flack for it. Idiots.

I woke up dreaming I got a new phone. That touchscreen blackberry. It was amazing. I don't know how I got it ahead of everyone else. And oh yea, I don't know why I was dreaming about it in the first place. It's not like I have all that much use for a phone... besides work. It's all the non-phone stuff that's interesting to me. I bet I could get along pretty well without a voice allowance. Kinda sad, really.

Today I thought, why is it that I'm getting caught up in things I don't want to be around, while I hardly find myself where I'd like to be?

Halloween is next week?!?!?!

Back in high school, I used to get some crazy stomach aches right before track practice. It was a whole lot of nervous energy not letting my lunch sit right, the anticipation of two hours of sprint workouts boiling in the pit of my stomach. It usually subisded a little while before warmups started. I had that same feeling again on Monday, right before playing ball, only this time it didn't go away. So I started shooting around with my unsettled insides and once we got our game going I forgot about it. Pre-game jitters? We weren't even playing for anything. Maybe it's all in my head, and the energy that you put out is proportional to the nervous energy you build up right until you need it. Then it's game. blouses.

I make a lot of of mental to-do lists, but I usually don't get around to crossing things off of them. Now would be a good time to start.

2008-10-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

catching up

... because I'm forever a step behind. Or too many steps away. The distance hasn't been too hard to deal with, but the time... there's no way to make up for the time.

2008-10-21T02:50:00.000-07:00

spent

Somehow I'm awake. My body's protesting though. I can feel the ache in my leg bones. My left index finger is all sorts of messed up. Luckily though, I didn't resprain either of my pinkies, which is especially lucky since I neglected to tape them up like I have been doing lately. Plus, I think my right elbow is just about normal again. I think I forgot what it's like to ball sans injuries. I'm looking forward to that.

2008-10-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

and so it is

So what?

What now?

I'm not qualified to answer that question. Really, I'm not. Come to think of it, I'm qualified to do very little. Fortunately, that hasn't stopped me from getting in over my head in all manner of mishaps. And I say fortunately, for the lessons are usually worth the bruised ego. Well, the curriculum is a bit difficult this time around. I'd say it's graduate level stuff, and I'm a stumbling apprentice. Despite all that, I can't say it's above me to get a good grasp on this.

2008-10-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

escalate

I'm hoping your willing to prove me wrong
because I'm more than ready
to do the same for you.

But only if you want to.

Last night not even the television's hypnotics were enough to keep me from crashing--hard--on the couch, not even close to the midnight hour. I think I remember seeing the clock read 3:30am... then 4:45am... it was hard to say for sure with the lights still on shining in my sleepy ass eyes. My subconscious went on some crazy tilt too. At one point, I was smoking a cigarette thinking, "I'm supposed to hold it in for a little bit?" Another moment I was peeling one my overripe bananas from Costco, half black from sitting in the plastic too long. I took a bite and had a mouthful of mushy, sour, I-don't-know-what-else-to-call-it. And then I broke a little more off near one of the mushier brown parts and there it was. A green effing worm. I'm glad that dream ended at that.

And more persistently, there was the constant undercurrent of the alternate reality you've been building for me, washing over my not quite so coherent thoughts, leaving nothing but wet sand. It's everywhere. I could use a cold shower to wash it all away, leaving nothing. Except me.

I'm getting cabin fever. Anyone have an antidote?

2008-10-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

wow.

the sky is falling! (again)

2008-10-16T01:47:00.000-07:00

finding time

Slow down for the speed bumps, homie.

2008-10-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

I've been doing this wrong for so long, I guess it'll be a big deal when I get it right.

2008-10-13T00:36:00.001-07:00

we should talk

2008-10-01T22:51:00.001-07:00

$h+t

I really, really don't get it.

You need to shut this down.

Not this... but whatever you're doing.

2008-09-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

rosetta stone

I'm not sure if I trust the translation

2008-09-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

cooling off

was it just me... or did it seem a little chilly right around sunset?

i think it was just me. i never can predict this weather.

i get to thinking after you experince too many drastic temperature changes in a short span, you tend to get hypersensitive to it. goodbye equilibrium, hello chaos.

and of course, hot + cold makes for all sorts of extreme weather.

i should expect some rain.

2008-09-08T02:10:00.000-07:00

misdirection

Think what you will. I'm running with this.

2008-09-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

taking you back

good peeps +
good food +
good music +
_________
good times

If they weren't so expensive, people should get married every year. That would be fun. For the guests at least.

Oh, you again.

2008-09-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

tired

I can feel it, right up from my feet, but really in my calves. A little in my shoulders, and my back too. This time, it's for a good reason. My game is now halfway decent.

Aside from my late morning slumber, I had a very productive day. I hope I can maintain this. I'm still buried under all sorts of projects.

It's still my turn.

2008-09-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

reversal

I hope it's not a virus or anything like that. Funny thoughts run through your mind when your body betrays you.

I know I scraped myself on a nail at the beach the other day

Maybe the milk's gone bad (word to Slick Rick)

There's no way I've got a bloodborne illness.

It's not the stomach flu. That was something else

Thinking of you doesn't help it. Nor does thinking of you, even though you would think it would help. Something's got in my head.

I almost lost it.

2008-09-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

i don't know why i'm exhausted

2008-09-03T01:13:00.000-07:00

by the way
by your side i'll stay
if that's okay
by your side i'll stay forever
here i'm standing up
because i want to fall in love with you

Things never turn out as planned. That much I should expect.

Now begins the pruning... trimming...

pretty soon I'll be back on the burner with a constant low heat, being reduced down...

and then poured out...

still whole. Only different.

2008-08-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

today was an off day

Tomorrow? I have high hopes.

September is fast approaching, and I'm still in this mess. The excavation begins in the morning.

2008-08-27T00:36:00.001-07:00

all's well that ends well

and this is ending badly

2008-08-19T00:57:00.001-07:00

you could have said no!

but it's probably not in your vocabulary

2008-08-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

uncomfirmed

It seems like it's happening a lot lately that I can't can't find a parking spot anywhere near the apartment, so I end up parking at the farthest possible spot. Then I walk 5 minutes to the apartment and spots open up.

sounds like a few things in my life

2008-08-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

simmer down

I can't claim to predict the weather, and I probably have worse luck predicting you.

I'm (reluctantly) looking forward to making some very big decisions in my life, all in the next few weeks. You would think having to move out by the end of the month would force the issue and get things rolling, but I've started to feel the gravity of all of this. This will be quite an adjustment (and I love to understate it). What I end up doing affects where I'll be living, working, going to school, and all the little inbetween things that get rearranged or eliminated in the process.

Goodbye to life as I know it.

On the other side is life as I'll come to know it. Frankly, I'm apprenhensive about it. I've still got a couple of loose ends that keep me tied to this life. Or should I call them roots? Or bridges? If I don't put in the effort to extend my bridges, does that mean they become bridges to nowhere? Or if I transplant to a new place, will my roots ever grow back?

Does it matter?

The more I think about it, the less it seems to matter. It could be that it's time to stop running around things and start running toward something better for me. And God knows I can do much better.

So that settles it, right?

Yes and no. I think I'm doomed to having a life full of loose ends. I can't think of much that's cut and dried. In a lot of ways, can't complain. I'm not one to close doors, but I'd like to think I can walked away from one that shuts in my face.

The funny thing is, I'm looking at a whole slew of doors, and the vast majority of them aren't locked, or even closed.

They're all left ajar.

For whatever reason, I'm petrified.

I get the feeling once I start walking through some of these doors, you won't recognize me anymore.

And if that's the case, I'll be sure to reintroduce myself.

2008-08-02T03:30:00.000-07:00

excuse me, i've been slightly disembodied as of late.

being around certain people, you can't help but want to make the worst possible decisions, if only to do what comes most naturally. or sometimes, only to diverge from what you always end up doing. can this be a good thing?

commence

2008-07-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

i think
you got me.

damn.

how is it the circumstances always seem to point me in your direction?

you know what though? i'm doing the best i can.

correction. i'm trying to do the best i can. so the effort is there, the execution... not so much.

could you stop doing that?

here i sit thinking i've got to exhaust my options, as if that determines my next big step. i'm starting to believe that thinking this through, at least at this point, is the best (meaning worst) thing i can do.

so what do you think i'm doing right......... now?

i think i should do this.

not so much because i want to
or because it seems like the time to
or because it's the only thing left

no. i need to clean up the mess of my world.

you first.

this may take a while... or no time at all... but in the meantime, i've got some other priorities long since charred on my back burner.

and to spite you, i'm gonna say it's your fault.

have i been knocked on the head too many times today? this is nonsense... irrational...

completely typical.

if you'd let me, i could talk you out of your faults.

or, if i'm willing to let this drag out a bit longer, you could convince me that this is all part of the plan.

whatever that is.

stalemate.

2008-06-30T01:11:00.001-07:00

do it for the love

2008-05-23T03:20:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure what i did to you

but i know what i didn't do

and i guess now is as good a time as any to repay the favor

or favors i should say

as if i'm collecting on all my "debts"

a lifetime of prep-work, this is the culmination

not all at once, alright?

who am i fooling though?

it's not as if you ever heard me in the first place

happy birthday to me

2008-05-22T01:05:00.000-07:00

i should have expected this
considering how my week has been going
it could be that i'm am reaping what i have sown
and although the circumstances are different
the result is the same

what's the point anymore?

2008-05-20T02:52:00.000-07:00

i hate this
all too familiar feeling

2008-05-19T17:02:00.001-07:00

...

it's like that

again

2008-03-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

recollection

The past few weeks have put me in rewind. I hope I make something good out of all this.

Words don't come as easily as they did before.

I'm trying to transcend this... and suddenly I don't know what this is anymore.

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

2008-03-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

in your honor

Once in a while the sun shines a little brighter...

2008-03-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

undue

lately it seems like luck and manipulation have more to do with success than anything else

2008-03-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

revisit

I cleared out everything that was making noise, so I could have a little silence. Yet instead of silence were the echoes of things long since gone.

2008-03-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

three the hard way

you don't even know

2008-03-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

subliminal

Why is it that most of my dreams run contrary to what I get in real life? Especially when people are involved. It's almost as if I dream about what Iexpect out of people but know I'm never going to see.

2008-03-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

pause

Things are moving fast now, but I don't keep pace with everything. There are some good things about that, but something the energy isn't there. I need more sleep. Or less sleep.

I'm not ready for hot weather yet. I don't think I was made for California weather.

i'mma make this work

2008-02-28T02:41:00.000-08:00

revisionist

Nobody's calling this yet.

2008-02-26T00:48:00.000-08:00

refocus

I got to thinking about how ridiculous dreams can be
and why it worth to chase them

2008-02-25T03:18:00.000-08:00

reclamation

keep your friends close, and your enemies closer

i think i'll start calling you my enemy

2008-02-24T00:47:00.000-08:00

pull

That ship has sailed, so why am I ready to jump in the water and swim after it? I can't even swim...

2008-02-22T03:09:00.000-08:00

maintenance

If I can keep this up, who knows where I'll be...

The rest is up to You.

2008-02-21T00:48:00.000-08:00

continuation

What time is it?

2008-02-20T01:13:00.000-08:00

tardy

Late to the party. Again. My apologies.

I tried my best imitation of Dwight Howard's Superman dunk. Result = sprained knee. FTW!

2008-02-19T00:13:00.001-08:00

catalyst

I don't know what your's is, but I have a hunch. Not that it helps much, but it helps me understand a few things. For all I know, it's water under the bridge.

If you wanna talk...

It's about that time. Forgive my lateness.

2008-02-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

I feel broken...

... but you're not going to break me.

2008-02-18T01:19:00.000-08:00

captive

I think I've been here before. Have I learned anything. Yea, of course. Does it matter? I'm not so sure anymore.

You're not helping any.

2008-02-16T01:58:00.001-08:00

recollection

Some things really are as good as I remember. Why isn't everything?

2008-02-15T00:47:00.000-08:00

uneventful

No surprises here. That is, besides all the recommended work that should be done on my car pretty soon. An unpleasant surprise, to say the least. Driving's getting a lot more expensive lately.

This has been a slow week. It's a pretty drastic change from the happenings (and non-happenings) of last week. I need some better distractions.

2008-02-14T01:12:00.000-08:00

movement

I think I'm getting into a rhythym with some things. If I can get it going with the other things that aren't going so well, I'll be in good shape.

Somebody knows my phone number... I wonder who it is...

It'd be nice to have a good surprise. I hope I'm due.

2008-02-13T01:46:00.000-08:00

mental block

Once in a while, even your our mind turns against you. It makes for some difficult progress. I'm finding my way out. I think.

I've been neglecting some things, and it's not so great trying to get to where things were. That's how things go though.

2008-02-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

stumble

I feel so slow right now. Actually, life feels pretty slow right now too. So, relatively, nothing's changed.

I wish that were true.

2008-02-11T02:14:00.000-08:00

cold front

If I had known you'd be switching up your style on me, I could have saved me some trouble. I think I'm ready now. And I'm guessing I'll be eating my words pretty soon regardless.

The jury's still out for you though. I'm not about to go jumping through loops to entertain you.

These signs might actually make sense if they came with words.