set exposure time, aperture, focus, compose, pop the shutter, and hope it turns out like you see it in your mind

My room is a mess. I haven't been getting around to cleaning or maintaining muich around the apartment lately. Especially laundry. I'm a month behind. I've been satisfying my thirst for music in all forms. One of these days I'm going to sit myself down in front of something and fight with it until I can make it speak... and then I'll figure out how to make it sing. I've been trying to catch up with people in my life. I've gotten plenty of reality checks and wake up calls, courtesy of the life operator. Rest in peace, get well soon, and take care of yourself. Take good care. There are times I want to believe that I don't care what other people think. But I do care. I care what people think. I care how people feel. No matter how long it's been or whatever kind of distance there is between us... it makes me regret my occasional anti-social tendencies, if only for not thinking first of the bigger picture. I'm still hypercritical of my photographs, because I find myself letting them speak for me. Last week, my family and relatives had 10 minute conversation about hair when I walked into the room. I've kept it growing as a shield of sorts, to protect me from superficiality to help me to live patience. I've been restless, but certain sacrifices are worthy of the effort. I told my mom I loved her last week. For the second time in my life. I've been trying to figure out what kind of signs I'm getting. This year has really opened me to the power of medicine, as a service to others, as it restores my faith in the good nature of people who try. I wish I could try harder. I've been forcing myself to stop taking the safe route by default. Greater reward only comes with greater risk. Beyond the gambling references, I've been holding back. I've regained a little appreciation for hard work and playing hard. I still wonder why people smoke, or start smoking. I wonder if I'm the only one that's never felt like trying alcohol. I don't even drink coffee. I'll be on my thrid phone in a week today. I want to find better ways to invest myself. What a great world this would be if everyone had x-ray vision, so we could see each other's souls. I thought my life in high school was something I left far behind, until last week. I thought I saw my old roommate at a hotel in Irvine of all place, but I didn't try to say hello or anything. I don't know why. Sometimes I find myself being more myself around strangers. Perception can be a crazy thing.

portrait of a soul