strange dreams

*wild disaster situation
hurricane force winds
driving down the freeway
cars and people being lifted off by the wind
get to safety inside a restaurant
i sit at a booth across from a girl
we start talking about how crazy the day is
she starts catching feelings

*sitting on some couches or benches with a bunch of people
sitting right next to hot cold
she says that i'm too close to her
so i stand up and sit down again
but then her leg is pushed up against my leg and she doesn't say anything

for lack of better words or simply because it seems appropriate

fuck my life.

fuck my birthday.

fuck.

There's a lot that can be said about the unsaid things that come up in life, especially when you're talking about how we all are tied together. I believe the fabric of the society is often as convoluted and mysterious as the fabric of the universe, and the seams that keep things in order are constantly being sewn and resewn, and sometimes torn apart completely.

I always have my most vivid dreams right before my alarm or right after I hit snooze.

*begin dream sequence

It's my birthday party. Lots of family in the garage, and some of my friends too. Lester was there, but I think he was family (we're related?).

**Strange transition 1

I'm driving down the 71 ( the freeway by my house), but it's unpaved. There was a lot of construction going on so I had to slow down a stop a lot. The construction workers were checking driver's tongues for something, but I don't know what. I'm pretty sure someone was in the passenger seat, but I can' remember who. There were several forks in the road, and it seemed like we were going in circles at one point.

At one point we had to get out of the car and walk. For some reason now we were very gung ho about it. Now I realize I was traveling with a girl (but i still don't remember who). We came to a very narrow part in a trail, which went up along the side of a mountain. It was rocky and slippery, almost jungle like. It was almost impossible to fit through a hole in a rock formation and I couldn't get a good grip anywhere. There was only a narrow ledge to grip to try and step up some really short, steep rock steps. It turns out we were on top of a giant horn and right at the mouthpiece. Right as I was about to risk falling to try to fit through the rock opening I saw a sign that suggested we blow into the horn. When we did something opened up and we slid down a corkscrew in the horn (like it was Raging Waters or something)

** Strange Transition 2

I was in my apartment (even though we were just at my house) watching Aladin with my wife (wtf?!?!... let's call herJane) when my dad shows up to our apartment. He says something to me and then goes to the bathroom down the hall to take a shower. After a little while Jane wants some... attention, we run down the hallway to our bedroom, only my dad exits the bathroom at the same time, impeding our progress. Suddenly it's very awkward. She makes it to the room ahead of me while i'm stalled by my dad. After a few moments I finally get to the bedroom. There's a bunk bed or loft bed in the middle of the room a little off to the side and not much else, except for some pillows on the floor. Jane wife is up in the bed, fast asleep.

** Strange Transition 3

I go back into the living room and our roommates (another couple) are moving some things around. It looks like they decided to renovate their room. They replaced the toilet (in their room?!?!) and added a wood burning stove/heater in the middle of the room with a exhaust pipe through the ceiling.

** Strange Transition 4

I'm back in my bedroom, and I climb the bunk bed to wake up Jane. It looks like she's hiding under the covers, but when I pull them away, she's not there. Suddenly it starts raining hard, with thunder and lightning. I look out the window and I realize my driver's side car window is open (as it is in real life--the damn thing won't roll up) . I rush outside to get to the garage (at my house... even though I'm at my apartment?!?!) to switch my brothers car and my car, which was outside in the driveway. Once I got outside, I was in downtown LA (although it also could have been downtown Chicago). I ran around the corner to the next building where my brother was so I could get his keys. As I was running, someone down the street pulled out two antique style pistols and started shooting randomly at people. I made it around the corner safely, but another guy pulled out a gun and started shooting randomly as well.

I ducked into the building and ran to the elevators. Once the doors opened up I went in and pushed a button, but there were some other people waiting, a girl wearing a hat and a guy. They didn't enter right away though. Instead the girl stands at the doors and looks at me funny. I start staring at her because she's staring at me and then i realize it's Josie. They finally step into the elevator and I ask her what's she's doing here and she introduces me to her husband.

*end dream sequence

Sometimes, this road will bear no signs of direction, direction
So rely on your heart to lead the way, lead the way, lead
And sometimes you will need to take correction, correction
Don't you dare let your humble mind sway

thinking of you

beggin

Sometimes you don't know what you've got...

beggin you

And sometimes you don't know what you're lacking

put your loving hand out baby

Sometimes you know too much.

trust

It's a little overwhelming going from having nothing on your plate to having to try to squeeze in a break here and there. At least it means I can pay off a few bills.

All things considered, I think I'm moving in a better direction.

late breaking

It's alright. For real. Maybe not how you or I would have it, but what can you do?

The random conversations I've been having have given me a little perspective. So now I'm on a "take whatever you can get and keep-it-moving" kinda tip. So far, I can't say it hasn't done me well.

What's the deal with this affinity for leftovers? I dunno. I guess I truly am one to hate to let things go to waste.

For you, I'll try a little harder.

For you, I know excuses will never suffice.

I hope I can make you happy

exit

I think I'm done with you. I should have trusted my instincts.

Sometimes it's the worst thing to know you're not wrong.

So this is the change of scenery I managed for myself. The view is not what I expected. And only I can change that.

Some day this will all make sense.

Right now there are only a few things that feel anything close to "right." Basketball is one of them. No matter how much I stink it up sometimes, the game transcends the stupid bullshit that comes every day. It's simple, finite. There are also the rare conversations that I have nowadays, the ones that don't always start right because old thoughts are hard to pin down... and yet the words are never as important as the process.

My head voice has gotten increasingly vulgar as of late. I've mixed in a good dose of cynical to go with my idealism. All this only serves to remind me of how much I don't like where I am right now.

Maybe as I quit you, I'll pick up something that'll bring me a little something good.

space and time

It's 5AM and I'm slightly less than wide awake in my bed. This is my pre dawn manifesto.

Before I make this leap I take a breath, if only to slow down my quickening heartbeat. Things seem to move a whole lot faster now. I'm not content to keep up any longer.

So off I go. I could stay and reminisce, but that time has past. Maybe when we cross paths again. I don't where these roads lead, but I need to know. If I get lost, it's part of finding my way.

The one thing that gives me pause is the thought of not being able to see this through with you. Maybe that's why it's easier to keep going and look back only to appreciate, and not to ponder about what things might have been.

My dreams are bigger than my world, and my reality is somewhere inbetween. I hope I still can find you there.

Is this how it goes? I used to believe in having roots to put down and grow. Now I see these roots not as anchors in the ground but ties between us. We keep in motion, never stationary. Some stay in familiar currents while others are carried to new places. I choose not to fight it. Maybe if our roots are strong enough to stretch beyond this time and space we'll be together again, both different and the same.

moving on up

here goes

It's been an interesting week. Somehow, for all that's been going on, I don't have much to say off the top of my head.

Forgive me for being forthright with this. I'm only being real. And that seems to sum up my problem as of late. Or perhaps, my problem in general.

You could say I've been pretty good at avoiding failure. Now I don't think I've failed enough. That's not a good thing for me either. I think I'm chronically adverse to the curve, falling either far ahead or well behind. I can't say that I've been putting much effort into this.

Shit.

As nice as it would be to start fresh, I still have some ends to tie up. Take care of business so to speak. A few things I'd rather not look back on and regret for not making an attempt at.

So now I've really got no choice in the matter. This time, it's not such a bad thing. I know there's an abundance of blessings that come from the worst of circumstances. That's no statement on the state of my life, but I'm definitely not in the best circumstances.

I've got work to do.

i can do without the passive aggressivenesss

i don't know i picked this up from, but i'm coming down with something.

Wow.

That's all I have to say right now