Angry music has a soothing effect on me. I don't mean hateful music, but intense, assertive music that addresses sociopolitical issues, music that has a definite focus. I think it helps me focus myself and prevent periodic episodes of stark raving lunacy. Once again, I threw the potholders into the dining room, then picked then up to throw them down the hallway. Someone opened the lemon juice I bought and left it in the pantry... so it's probably gone bad already. I HATE seeing food getting wasted. On top of that, I really can't stand it when people complain about money and then constantly waste and throw away food. Too many people don't have that luxury.

But I'm focused now. Breathe...

I came home (to Costa Mesa) to the smell of rancid food and garbage... that's walking through the front door and the kitchen. I also find my desk in disarray from Malcom (the cat) terrorizing it, and actually breaking my little balsa bridge I built in 8th grade. Not cool. I'm gone for three days and the kitchen goes to hell. Makes me wonder how my roommates' apartments/house will be like when they get their own places. It seems like they can't keep a kitchen clean if their lives depended on it. First thing I do after I unpack some groceries: the dishes. Then I took out the two full bags of trash (the large black yard bags) that were just sitting in the kitchen and dining room, even though trash was picked up that morning. I think out of the last 8 trash days, I've take out the trash maybe 4 times. The other roommates combined? Once, maybe twice. Not to say that all of them are that lazy, just two in particular... we agreed girls shouldn't take out the trash because the bags are huge. I woke up at 4:30 pm today to the sound of them trying to pack the freezer. I got out of bed to make sure they weren't throwing away my food, and they reminded me of the Three Stooges, just jamming stuff in random places until everything was in there. It really aggravated me, because I wanted to kick them all out of the kitchen and then do it myself, but I think I'll wait until later and then organize it. Imagine watching ten people trying to jam into the same car at the same time (sounds familiar)... you have to do it one at a time... clear out the old stuff... make sure everyone fits best. I'm waiting for someone to pull out a frozen pizza and a block of ground beef to fall... falling frozen food is a considerable hazard. I've had a roast come down on my foot and almost break my big toe. I think the heat is starting to get to me...

Last night Cris called me over to Fran's apartment to chill and play chess or something. I left at 2 am, enjoying the empty roads and appreciating the newish feel of my just tuned car. Fran, Cris, Nim, Chris, and Eileen were there, just chilling. I played chess with Chris and we all talked about random stuff, even UFOs. Cristina had a demonstration about stars and how they can seem to move if you stare at them too long. We used a flashlight covered with foil having a small hole poked through and four of us crammed into the hallway closet, all around 4 am. The sun came up, and I left at 6:30. Driving at dawn is actually pretty nice, as long is the sun is behind you and it's not hot. My roommates just walked in again, so I think I'll work out now.

Chess anyone?

I finally got my 90k mile service taken care of, which ran $800+ because they replaced the damn timing belt, which was a $270 hit. I've noticed that a lot of advertisements for used cars show the car with just under 90k miles, just so that the owner doesn't have to put his or her child's education on hold to pay for scheduled maintenance. I can't even cover that unless I find a job within the next month... my parents footed the bill. Man, I'm going to have to work a lot over the summer to become independent once again...

While waiting for my car, I drove my mom to Seafood City in West Covina. She said she wanted to buy me shrimp or something. I guess I can't argue with that. I walked through the entrance and I caught a glimpse of my reflection, spiky hair, ecko shirt, baggy jeans, and nike bball shoes... and then I looked around the store and it was like culture shock or something. There I was, probably sticking out like a porcupine (the hair). Everyone in the store was either Filipino or Mexican from what I could tell, and it seemed like worlds colliding (at least in my head). I guess I'm too used to the college atmosphere, where everyone's close to your age, and they dress close to similar and talk similarly. There all these people were, going about their business, sifting through ice packed fish, while I cruised around with my headphones on, observing and holding bags for my mom. It really brought me back, just remembering being there when I was young and all the things you notice that make your memories so distinct:
- the guy with the shirt with the geckos having sex all over the front in different positions (i know you've seen it before)
- the rip-off brand snacks like "Chiz Balls" (say that with an accent)
- Lido sardines, with the half-naked centaur (fully naked, if you count the horse part) on the back of the can (they changed the can... no more centaurs... booo...) My dad used to have them every morning
- the way people bump into you walk on by, but it's no big thing
- my mom trying to start random conversations with anyone that looked filipino, but usually failing
- the spam wasn't hidden away on some obscure shelf
- tyring to figure out what flavor of shrimp chips you haven't tried yet (they come in different flavors?)
- the rice aisle
I grew up knowing all this stuff, even though my parents didn't teach me tagalog, and even if they didn't watch TFC, and I was never in PCN, things like the seafood store bring me back, make me think about my culture, and how separated I am from it now. Now my cultural experience is mostly under my control--I feel compelled to make sure I have something left to pass on to my kids someday.

One funny thing I noticed: I was taller than everyone in the store! I'm not even that tall! 5' 8 1/2" is only average height for guys, but I felt oddly tall in there... I'm used to feeling short. That's what happens when you have three 6 foot roommates. I looked for those lychee snacks that come in the screw top plastic jug, but I guess they stopped making them, because I couldn't find any. Those things were huge four years ago. After we got some pan de sal (in the white bag) we headed home...

$819... driving can suck sometimes.

Wednesday night I slept at 5, got up around 5... I really don't like sleeping when it gets too warm. I get uncomfortable when I wake up sweating under the comforter and plus it's hard to fall asleep when it's too warm. I checked my voicemail, and find out my UCI people want to go dress up and eat somewhere. I persuaded them to eat in Brea around 9 so it would be a little bit closer to Chino Hills. I asked my mom first and she starts by telling me to abstain from hanging out with friends for Lent... interesting sacrifice, no? On top of that, she also took it as a good time to drill me about my future. And what the hell exactly happened about my valet job. It's hard enough asking them things, but answering a barrage of questions? They're not the types to take disappointment well, which makes my relationship with them a little strained, at best. I think at times I'm their #1 disappointment out of all my siblings. I'm not bummed about it though because I know that it's all part of growing up. First she asked, when are you taking the MCAT? I haven't really told them that I haven't been studying for it, even though it's in April. I didn't even know the exact test date until last night, when I looked it up online while she was talking to me. It could have been April 1st... Then she went into what happened to my old job. I haven't worked since last April, when I was (unfairly) terminated (fired) from my valet job. Since then, I've been telling my parents that I still worked, as an excuse to get back to Costa Mesa and also so they wouldn't worry about me. If they knew how hard up I was during the summer, they would have demanded that I move back home or something. I didn't want them paying my rent either, because they have my brother's expenses to worry about. I only told them I stopped working a couple of weeks ago. I only told them I was fired last night. She told me that she had this idea that I was taking things from customers' cars while I worked. How sad is that? Then I went downstairs to eat and my dad starting getting into the whole interrogation. By this time it's 9:15 and I was itching to leave, but the questions kept coming. What are your plans? When are you taking the MCAT? (they tend to repeat questions very often). What is the best med school? Is UCSF a good med school? What do you want to specialize in? I told them about OD schools (osteopathy) which David told me about. They kept thinking it was all acupuncture and herbal stuff and got a nice laugh out of it. How's that for parental support? More questions... Do you have a girlfriend? I think I would have answered that truthfully if I did actually have a girlfriend, even though I know they wouldn't support my decision. It sucks having to hide the fact you're with someone from your parents just to maintain your sanity. Is it better to keep it a secret or to tell them and have all sorts of conflict? Is it more important for your parents to know and be disapproving, even if you know your heart is in the right place? They joked that if I did have a girlfriend, I should introduce her to them, because she would probably end up not liking them. Parents can be so hilarious at times. Then they asked about my car, and ended up trying to schedule the 90k mile service, which took another 15 or 30 minutes. I didn't want to be rude and just leave, but it was almost 10:30 at that point. Then my dad asked me to help him install some program on the computer for taxes. Meanwhile, I started changing and making phone calls to see if everyone was still eating. My dad figured out that I wanted to go somewhere when I put on a different shirt and didn't even ask where I was going. Since I've left for college he's gotten pretty chill about the things I do, even when I'm at home. My mom is another story. By the time I got out the door, my brother's friend pulled up to drop off my bro and I asked him if he wanted to join me. It took a little persuading in the form of free food to get him to go. I waited another five minutes, thinking about how wierd it is that I was leaving the house at 11 pm and my parents weren't asking what time I'd be home, especially since my brother was tagging along. 11:10, and we rolled out...

The drive there seemed to take longer than it should have. My brother doesn't really talk that much to me, and I brought him along so he could see a little bit of my world. I wonder if he'd every go on the Days retreat, but I think I'll need to work on him some more before I suggest anything. I don't think he's into his faith enough, but I know it's going to really help him, especially in his relationship with our parents. His short autobiography on his website isn't very positive at all. In fact, it's downright depressing. So after drving around all of Brea Mall, we arrive, 2 1/2 hours late. Sorry guys! G-Nat, Dave, Geeps, Regi, Fran, Jeremy, Ashley, Nhutron, Mark Anthony, Nim, and Em where there, and I tried to introduce everyone to my brother, but it didn't quite work out. We grubbed on leftovers for about a half hour, when everyone decided to leave. My bro stayed pretty damn quiet the whole time, but I didn't expect much to come out of his mouth anyway. I hope he doesn't think my friends are alkies... 20 minute drive... 30 minutes of chill time... I guess I needed to get out of the house anyway. We had the usual parking lot talk and loitering, and I followed Em home, except that she took the 57 north, the long way around to our house.

Feeling adventurous on the 71 (one of my favorite freeways), I took my car (I haven't named it yet) up to maybe 110, then some cars got in the way, only to exit a few seconds later. There's a mile stretch of road right before my exit and I decided to open up the throttle again. I sat at 80 until the overpass was behind me (for fear of cops) and dropped it into fourth, except I should have gone into third. Down to third, shift at 90, hit 110 or so, shift to fifth, feeling the rush, gripping the wheel tight, I squeezed out 120 right before a car got into my lane and the exit came up. Not bad for only my second top speed test ever in my car. After that I wanted to loosen up the rear tires, so I pulled the hand brake on the left turn into my neighborhood at 45, and nothing happened at first, and then the back slipped way out to the right, and now I was looking at the curb, watching it get closer in slow motion, thinking that my front left wheel would snap completely off if it hit... all that while I was yanking the wheel right to countersteer, now my car angling to the opposite curb and a nice storm drain. I hit the brakes and came to a nice stop, then rolled on. There was a guy on the corner maybe 100 feet away from where I stopped, watching tv in his garage. He must have thought I was crazy. For the time being I was. I should probably try that in a parking lot before I do it anyplace else. It could have gotten ugly. I haven't done anything like that since high school in my old accord. I hit 108 in that car, but it was a 1987 4-banger automatic... I wasn't going to go much faster. I think if I had more road ahead of me last night, I think I could have hit 125, but 120 is good enough for me. For now. I'm not much of a speed demon anyway. I get too paranoid about cops to do stuff like that just anywhere. I have done some crazy things though. 100 with 7 (yes seven) people in the car on the way home from Magic Mountain... 75 down the twisties in Carbon Canyon... Maybe not too crazy in retrospect... I never go that fast unless I know the road is nice and straight, no bumps or anything. My friend Louis rode shotgun while his friend took his S2000 to 135 at 9 pm... my brother took his civic to 118 on the 60 in the carpool lane at daylight! That's insane. I told him not to do that anymore. Not around other cars, and not during the daytime. He even tried the whole handbrake thing on Rancho Hills Drive, one of the longest residential streets in Chino Hills, and was barreling sideways toward a ford taurus before traction kicked in and he stopped right next to it. That's hella crazy. I hope he learned his lesson. Not around other cars!

It's interesting how those experiences make you feel after the fact. My heart rate was up for a good hour after my top speed test and fishtailing incident last night. Then you start thinking... what if my brakes failed at that moment? what if I was going 5 miles an hour faster? what if that car swerved in front of me and stopped all of a sudden? what if there was a recliner in the middle of my lane? (that's from personal experience, my first and hopefully only major collision---my driving has become a lot safer since then). That rush of fear and anxiety is so quick, you'd think it might stop your heart. But I guess we all like it, otherwise Magic Mountain would be out of business. Reminds me of the time I went tubing at Lake Folsom in Sacramento with two of my roommates... 30 miles an hour just a few inches above the water, and swim about as well as a 155 pound rock. Thank God for life jackets. I wouldn't have experienced anything like that without one. It was scary enough letting go of the boat and just sitting there in the water with only the little floatation device holding me afloat. My roommate said I did a spectacular flip and went airborne before I ate it, but all I remember was hitting the water. I surprised myself and didn't panic... floating with your life-vest isn't as scary as the water is when you're skimming adn bouncing right over it. But what if the straps to my vest broke?.... All those experiences that make your heart race... sitting on top of a long planck 25 feet in the air while it's bouncing up and down right above a pipe sticking right up at you, all to paste some cranberries onto spiderman's head for a rose parade float... watching the concrete center divider come closer and closer while you have no control your car... flipping your raft and being pulled downstream in whitewater... getting electrocuted... riding your scooter down the driveway when one of the rubber handles on the handlebar comes off... running through 6 lanes of bumper to bumper traffic just to beat your sister to the car... not trusting the rope 30 feet up on the rockclimbing wall... hiking on the side of a mountain on a trail less than a foot wide with rocks slipping under your feet... jumping off the top of the stairs as a kid...

I enjoy life, but sometimes it gets a little crazy. Stay safe kids!

After my electric bill fiasco, I showered, packed, and got ready to go home, but I wanted to work out first, so I picked up some subway, ate at the ARC and pulled my usual half an hour workout. I keep taking too many days off and not getting enough sleep and/or food to progress steadily, so I'm kind of sticking at the same weight. It's not very fun, but at least I got to see some people there I knew. If you know your friends will be working out, it's not so hard to make the drive to the ARC. On the way back home, I got a call from Fran, who told me people wanted to watch a movie, maybe Bringing Down the House, and although I didn't really feel like watching that movie, I didn't feel like going home just yet. I finished the rest of my sandwich at home and then Reg called me and said they were eating at Islands. So much for saving money. I haven't been this broke since summer of freshman year, when I was forced to get my first job. I met them up at the Block, racing through traffic with ease. I love when the freeways seem to open up to your car, especially when the traffic isn't so light in the first place. I succeeded in swaying them to watch The Life of David Gale, when I met up with them.

There was a good mix of people there... Seash, Chris, Vince, Flo, Leo, Fran, Reg, Em, GP, Brian, David, and I, and we had to work the student IDs to save more money. Man, I remember the days of the $6 movie ticket at AMC. That was so nice. We put up all the armrests and sat in the same row, squished but not separated. The movies was, in my opinion, very well thought out... the dialogue was pretty thought provoking. I recommend it, except for the people who love to pick out things they hate from every movie they watch. Just enjoy the movie people! Afterward, we decided to chill at Seash and Darlene's place, right next to the Block, while Fran got some Krispy Kremes for everybody. We switched cars and had a mini car rally... Leo's Solara, David's Civic, Em's Bimmer, Reg's Corolla, Brian's BaniBJ, Seash's Rav4, and my Accord. I don't know why, but it's really fun to drive other people's cars. Beej wouldn't let me drive BaniBJ though. Boo. We rolled deep to Seash's apartment, which kinda looks like Parkwatts but nicer (doesn't nicer look funny when it's written down?). Beej, GP, and David went to Albertos for some Carne Asada fries, while I attacked the doughnuts. We chilled there until about 2:00 am, comtemplating more Random Acts Of Spontaneity (RAOS), like snowboarding, camping, and beach bonfires. We talked about possibly dressing up and eating somewhere like Denny's or something, just for kicks. With our old boutineers and corsages. Pinned upside down, of course. It's all up in the air. There something about these kids that makes all these RAOS so enjoyable... I haven't had this much fun in a while.

Planning some random acts of spontaneity for tomorrow... still praying for peace.

A word of advice... if you're one of those people that pays the bills at an electronic payment location, don't stay up the whole night until noon or 1:00 pm, fall asleep, and expect to get to the payment place by 5:00 pm (the deadline). I haven't appreciated green lights this much in a long time. Time of payment? 5:00 on the dot. One minute later I would have been out $230. Scary, huh?

What I wanted to write about in the last week but didn't have the time:

Wednesday afternoon I went home after eating lunch and decided to cut my hair because even though I was pressed for time, I hate it when the hair on the sides and back of my head gets too long. It only took 15 minutes, even though I usually spend 45 minutes or so doing it. Then I took a much needed shower. I think that first shower right after a haircut is great... you feel cleaner for some reason. I went back to campus to study at the Cross with Vin-Penny, and I realized I had little over 12 hours to learn all the cycles for biochem... which seemed damn near impossible. I don't know why, but even though it seemed like I was never going to finish, I never felt like stopping the whole time I was studying. Gerald showed up later to study with us, which made the thought of another all nighter not so bad, knowing there weren't just two of us. By 2:00 am we started taking longer and longer breaks, and delirium started to set in as we played with Geoff's noise cancelling headphones and pretended to sabotage Charlene's studying. Ed fell asleep on the couch and we tried to get random people who dropped by the Cross to write on his face. We figured we could lift the whole couch and move it outside, but there weren't enough people to move it smoothly. Aww boo. I think finals week is a good time to meet people, just as long as they're chill enough to talk to you as you interrupt their studying. It seemed like everyone brought their laptop, which put thoughts in my head of how cool it would be to have one. Theyr'e just too expensive for me though, with the specs I want for a comp. I'd probably end up spending 2 grand.

Back to studying. The sun started rising, so we tried to get some sleep so we wouldn't be wiggin out during the final. I walked into the final feeling pretty good, but as a went through the whole test the first time, I only answered 10 of 47 questions. Not good. I spent the next hour and forty minutes flipping pages. I didn't have time to take a mid-exam nap because the questions were so random. I walked out and felt relieved, then ate breakfast with Gerald, Jen, Geoff, and one of their engineering friends. We caught Carl's Jr right before they stopped selling breakfast. You can't really eat a regular burger before 11am. That's just wrong, because usually you eat your morning breakfast in the morning (inside joke.. hehe). They talked about how engineering majors are the most sociable majors because they rely on each other for help and support all the time. Bio majors on the other hand... I'm kind of ashamed to be a bio major sometimes. There's a definite stigma about their cut-throat nature. Jen told a disgusting your momma joke (warning: don't read it if you don't feel like being grossed out): Your momma's so old, she doesn't give breast milk... it's cheese. The imagery is, quite frankly, disgusting. We were busting up for a good five minutes though.

After breakfast I called Cristina because we were going to run errands around Santa Ana, but I went home and found myself on the couch, telling myself to get up so I wouldn't pass out. Next thing I knew, it was 7:30. Oops. My roommate wanted my to go clubbing with her and some frineds to celebrate the end of her academic career at UCI. I didn't really feel like partying, even though I was finally done with finals, so I went to help Fran with prep work for the Days With The Lord retreat that started Friday. I was supposed to go back, but I think the cardboard scoring and circle cutting wore me out and I crashed on the couch until 7:00 am. We continued working on stuff, watching the news. Like what Lil Jay said in his blog, the weather reports from Iraq seemed pretty pointless, considering Iraq's tourism revenues are suffering slightly. I wonder what the barometric pressure in Bahgdad is right now... I went on a Rubios run and figured out the tres fish tacos and a coke for 4 dollars deal wasn't such a deal because fish tacos were only 99 cents anyway. They didn't have that 99 cent fish taco sign inside the place... I stole some drinks from Cristina's car with the help of Fran's copied key. We kept working until 3, when I went home, showered, packed, and got ready for the retreat.

Last supper for Ryan, David, and Leo was at Olive Garden, where I worked for a year. Almost everyone there was new... I've never heard of such a turnover rate for employees... the five managers I worked with are all gone and replaced. It's funny how people act when it's time to ante up for the bill at a restaurant. There have been times when people conveniently forget to pay and somebody ends up forking out an extra twenty bucks. It happens way too often too. I think if people understood that a $15 plate ends up being almost $21 after drink, tax, and tip, there wouldn't be so much of a problem. People get pretty stingy when it comes to tips too. Working to-go orders at Olive Garden and valet for tips, I know how much an extra buck or two keeps you from feeling like the world is a cold, evil place. I think generosity can be communicable, at least for those who on the receiving end. For that reason I think everyone should work at least for a couple of months at a job that pays by tips. It feels good just to splurge on a tip, even when your server thinks you're going to stiff them. I went to the bathroom four times before we left. I think my body is really sensitive to being overhydrated and my kidneys go crazy once I drink anything.

Some random things I realized/remember about the retreat: it is a very small world... everyone loves a good ghost story... "it's 1:30... in the morning"... Lil Jay walking into a door... Lil Jay's bird story... watermelon tai-chi... untimely burps... some people just can't score (haha)... you can't escape drama, despite who you're with... I really want to learn Tagalog now, even though I don't feel like taking the 9am class everyday...

We went to eat at Denny's after the retreat and actually got a table really quickly. Not bad, for 20+ people. The middle of the table is a bad place to be, because you tend to have conversations on either side. Leaving Denny's we have to made a right then a U-turn and a left to get to the freeway, but I followed Sonny after the U-turn and ended up back in the Denny's parking lot. I laughed at myself, then Sonny as we made the right, U-turn, and left again. On the freeway, I was starting to get to 80, but just then three cops passed me at 80 on my left. I think if they wanted to ticket anybody, I was the fastest car on that section of freeway... I've always been lucky around cops though. I've been pulled over three times without a ticket, but twice, I wasn't at fault. The third time... I was having too much fun at valet.

I made it back to Irvine, but not before going the wrong way on the 405... I was trying to pass this one car, but I forgot to check what lane I was in. Doh... On the offramp, I saw Jimmy (who left from Denny's earlier than I) pull up on the street perpendicular to me... Small world. Feeling too good to just go home and sleep I decided to chill at Fran and Shelby's place, except I arrived there early and I had to use the bathroom really soon... I saw what I thought was Shelby's car pass by, but I tried to call them and nobody picked up. I waited for 10 more minutes, only to find out they were already there... Aww boo. David, Nim, Fran, Shelby, Brian, and I talked and laughed about our retreat experiences until 7:00 am while GP crashed on the couch. Nimz left around 5 because she had work at 10 am, but ended up sleeping the whole day anyway. I went to sleep still in my slacks and button down shirt, which were surprisingly comfortable to sleep in, and didn't get too wrinkled when I woke up. David told me that my arm was stretched out and he moved his head and it ended up on top of my hand. GP said David and I were so tired that we didn't move from when we fell asleep to when we woke up at 3:00 pm. The hair on the left side of my head was flattened but the right side hair was normal, so it looked like I was standing in the wind too long and it pushed all my hair to the right. I left a huge drool puddle on Fran's pillow. Sorry Fran! David left to go home after we talked some more. Indecisive as we are, we didn't decided on a place to eat until the sun was setting. Gp called shotgun in Shelby's car, and we hit up the bank so Mom could get some money, and she offered to treat if she could get shotgun on the way to Fatburger. It ended up being a $40 shotgun fee. Thanks Mom! We played Let's Stay Together on the jukebox and talked until 8:00. When we got back to 25A, Fran and I crashed... I woke up at 10:00 and left, while Mom had the scariest asleep face I've seen in a while... like a face from the Ring, but with her eyes closed.

I was supposed to go home, but I had to do some laundry and I realized I hadn't done the dishes in almost 10 days. I walked in the house and it reeked of something nasty. Damn lazy roommates. Didn't clean a dish all of finals week or after. I hardly contributed more than some silverware to the mess, but the whole kitchen was molding and rotting... not a pretty sight. I wanted to take a picture of it just to show them what slobs they are. I didn't mind too much cleaning though, because I felt very relaxed after sleeping so much. The sun came up and my roommate woke up to watch her nephew, so I decided to stay up and write all this before I forgot it. It's 9:45 now, and the weather is great. I feel a little spontaneous today... I hope I don't just pass out on the couch...

Wow... I haven't posted since Wednesday. I've been going pretty much non-stop since then because the whole time I've been out and haven't had time to sit at home and stare at my blogs get longer and longer... I'm finally home, 153 hours after my last post, 11 days of one of the busiest 1 1/2 weeks I've ever had, from Friday March 14 9:00 am to Monday March 24 11:00 pm... 254 hours of stress, delirium and crazy stuff. I'm going to have to eat something before I have to energy to blog about everything.