It feels like summer finally kicked in. Finally! These past few weeks I've alternated between watching Scott, tutoring, boredom, and cleaning for the most part. The past week or so has been really fun. PUSO beach day was last Saturday, and even though I couldn't scrape my lazy ass from the apartment before 3pm, I thoroughly enjoyed myself the rest of the day. It's like I forgot and redicsovered my love of the beach. Strange. Today I caught some waves with Jacki, Kris, Vince, Ryan, and Melissa down at Newport. I guess the waves were pretty nice, but I'm oh-so-softcore when it comes to the ocean. I still can't swim if my life depended on it. I really have to work on that. Parking was a real pain in the buttocks. Took me twenty minutes of futility, but I squeezed (barely) into a meter spot right off the sand. Next time I use a meter, I'll be looking for a stupid dial. Damn meter ate four quarters before I figured it out. Totally and completely remorseless. How I despise paying for parking.

Several shades darker (I think I'm finally losing my fugly tan from trans retreat way back when) and all scraped up (never again without a rashguard... but I'll bet it'll happen again anyway), we were all washed up and headed back. I caught my meter just as time ran out. Thank God for good timing and good times. The sun shines gently in the skies now for me... It's just like the best nap of my life, two summers ago under a cabana at Raging Waters. Awesome.

Letting go is never easy.  He has buried after we found him in the kitchen, dead.  He was only 3 months old.  Scott wrapped the beta up in a paper towel, tied off the ends, then dug a hole in the backyard and placed the fish in the bottom, along with the blue rocks from the fishbowl.  Then he placed a seashell over it with R.I.P. written in permanent ink.  And man, he was bawling.  I didn't think he'd be so attached, but he said it was the only friend that wasn't mean to him.  Death is just a difficult thing to deal with as a child.  Eventually, you just have to learn to appreciate life for what it is, no matter how fleeting or unfair it may be at times. 
 
On the upside, I got paid to swim today.  Sixty bucks for 3 hours of swimming and free food back at the house.  I found that learning how to swim is a lot less stressful with fins.  Damn, if only I'd known before... I quite literally had my hands full playing with the kids in the pool.  All this work I do with kids really makes me appreciate parenthood and makes me more patient as well.  All the scratches and yelling and craziness isn't all so bad, just as long as you recognize that kids will be kids.  I wish I could have been more of a kid when I was young, but that's another story.
 
We held a meeting about our future soap box car derby.  For a while I got a little intense and the mood at the table was beginning to bring everyone down, but we took a break and everything cooled down enough for me to feel comfortable again.  It was nice too that I had people around to talk to.  I've had so many things on my mind recently but no consistent outlet to leak them out of.  Being around people really helps to break those depressing anti-social phases I've been in for a while.  I missed the meeting to help plan for the Liwanag leader retreat, which I really wanted to attend, but I can't do everything.  Still, I chilled with old board PUSO peeps at Yoshinoyas, reminiscing about old times.  Afterwards we helped Derrick move in.  I'm tired, but fulfilled, and ready to see what tomorrow brings.

You really have to pick you battles in life.
 
Right now, I'm struggling.  I never realized how much I've been slipping, and I was a little overwhelmed at first, but I'm finally making some real progress.  There's always been a measure of anarchy in my life.  I've never much favored the entropic forces around me.  Still, I've begun to let this systematic push for order climb the long list of my priorities.  Each small victory is a step towards something great.  However far I find myself however, I must recognize the dichotomy of my task, the simultaneously overvalued and underappreciated nature of my current trial...
 
I started to clean out the garage after I got back from work.  I've already went through and shredded more than a year's worth of unopened junk mail--credit card offers, statements, and more.  I've done more than 15 loads of laundry in two weeks, despite only doing one or two loads a week previously.  I even cleared out most of my desk area.  I've figured out that I can pay down every penny of my credit card debt in less than three years, all while building up a little nest egg to keep my financial life from going awry.  I'm bringing some order to my life.  There are many more battles left though.  The bathroom.  Trying to curtail my nocturnal lifestyle.  Restarting a workout routine.  Getting my diet straight.  Getting the requisite health appointments squared away.  This is pickiing up where college left off.  This is tiring.

Sometimes you wonder why you pull yourself away...
 
I really don't know

Mornings like these
trying to pull myself out
and up
though it can't do it myself
there's nobody to make the decision but me
and i wonder
is that the hard part?

falling into consciousness
 
I am
underground
walking in shadows
under the radar
 
what world is this I'm living in, but the one I'm trying to turn upside down...