Wow, I'm tired... I'll save it for tomorrow

Leave in on the doorstep

I'm not feeling myself right now. There's a lot of frustration and anxiety built up beneath my unassuming exterior. I could use an outlet right now...

take it away for a moment
and see me
trying to figure out what's going on

Find me here

It wasn't an easy day today. I didn't wake up before noon, so I went straight to work. After I dropped Scott off, I went to get some Subway in Corona Del Mar. Right before I left one of my classmates from Ayala walked in. I didn't think she'd recognize me, because we didn't have too many classes together in high school, and didn't even cross paths in college, but she said hi. I rolled to the beach for a little while to think before I had to pick up Scott. I played some golf with Scott in his backyard and then I was hitting some of the wiffle balls with a bat and one hit Scott in the throat. At first he kind of faked crying, and then he got pissed and threw a crazy tantrum, hammering the golf clubs into the ground and then beating up the couch. I just had to sit it out until he calmed down. He can be pretty unpredictable at times, so for my own good, I back off every now and then.

I watched the T-Wolves - Kings game after work, and that wasn't any consolation. I went to work out afterwards, but when I came back one of the neighbors was staring at me. I took my time parking, and he kept coming out of his garage to stare at me. He didn't even try to fake like he was looking at something else. When I walked away from my car I nooded to him, and he just kept staring. Joyce said he asked Geeps if he was a visitor or a resident. I don't know what his problem is with us... it's not as if we take his parking spots, or disturb him, or stare at him when we walk from our cars. For all I know, he could be just like Rosie, our angry downstairs neighbor, or maybe he's racist... I don't know. All this stress over having to worry about our living situation hangs over my head. I'm so tired of worrying about being kicked out with nowhere else to live. I'm tired enough of not being able to take showers at night or not play music after 10. Damn Irvine for its ridiculous rent prices. If housing was affordable, people wouldn't be complaining about parking or noise so much. Everyone should have the right to live without the fear of not being able to afford rent or being kicked out.

And we start again tomorrow...

Leave the light on for me...

Things are so unsettled right now, and the worst part about it is that I know it's completely out of my hands. I can't do a damn thing. I do know if I can ever be content with just letting everything go, but I didn't write the rules. If I didn't care, if I didn't have so much invested in this... but doors close for a reason. Mine is still open. For now.

Playing volleyball made me feel young again, even with my still gimpy ankle and my messed up knees, I felt like I was in my element. I miss that feeling. I think I've learned to tame my fiercely competitive nature, but when I push myself just enough... maybe I've stopped trying to reach my potential. I need to be challenged, so that I can grow. Lately, all of my challenges have been coming from everywhere except myself. I need to change that now...

I don't quite know why I decided to give up this morning. I'm not the type of person to let thiings happen, no matter how futile and pointless they might seem. There's more to things than success and failure. Am I letting these struggles get the best of me?

As I drove down the dark roads of my life, a peace came over me. Alone in my thoughts, separated from the world but finally in tune with it, at least for a time, I let the worries of the world go long enough to remember why...

In between...

... is how I've been feeling lately. I'm not avoiding anyone, but I'm not trying to catch up with anyone either... still I find myself in a familiar spot of sorts, by myself... mostly in my thoughts. These are trying times... this is my time.

It was one of "those" days again. I bumped into Mark on campus. I love bumping into random people. It makes my world seem more like my world. I fixed my golf swing, thanks to Scott. I bumped into Brian at Sport's Chalet while we were getting golf wiffle balls. ZOT Turismo planning went pretty well, immediately followed by board meeting. I got a weird vibe towards the end, and I came out feeling really weary. Then after searching for coffee and snacks with April, I studied at Interfaith. Even though I read 100 pages, I'm still going to fail my midterm tomorrow (today). The sad part is I'm really interested in the class (Philippine radical traditions), yet it's the class I'm doing worst in. Classes like these make me appreciate school. I don't know how I stayed awake that long, but now I can only hope I don't oversleep in the morning. It'll take a small miracle though. Damn, I missed the T-Wolves 1 point win over the Kings. Damn. In overtime. Damn. T-Wolves all the way...

there are angels watching over me tonight...

Thank you Lord

Not more than 30 minutes go by...

I'm sticking with this
because in this
I choose to be this
which defines the life that I lead and the choices I make
that only I make
so what pulls at me
and tears at my very being
only serves to dull my determination
and hinder my heart
my heart that beats harder than it should at times
I wonder why I persist in this
even though I could not take the paths that others make
because they are not mine
so my feet only go as fast as I deny the temptation
to turn around and walk another route
why do I persist in this
because this is my life
not yours
and everywhere I go
I search
for Him

3 1/2 hours at the ARC and 4 hours at commons. Why couldn't I be this productive way back when? I had a revelation today: I'm consistently inconsistent. I need some dicipline or something. I hope I don't eat my words...

It's time to turn the page.

This is life in a bubble. It's what happens when you don't leave your apartment except when you have to eat. Damn, how sad. It's a busy day tomorrow though. I'll be climbing mountains, running into the wind, swimming with sharks... and all I have to do is push. Push a little bit harder.