Since it's already 2:41 I've decided to write this entry with my eyes closed. Not that it matters, but I apologize in advance for any difficulties you might have in reading my shpeel.

Life can be so paradoxical sometimes. Things would be easier on my soul if I didn't believe in God. Except I do believe in God, which brings an inherent complexity and ironically, a sublime simplicity to my life. Knowing of my human faults and desires, where do I draw the balance between my own life and the life I try to live in God's name? Can I even begin to mesh this disgustingly materialistic existence with my soul? It doesn't help that I love cars and can appreciate quality in things. I paid two hundred bucks to buy myself a decent suit, but two hundred bucks to the man on the street (the only one I ever really see around Costa Mesa or Irvine) or a woman on skid row is a dream. A godsend. Who am I to squander it? Why should I continue to accept this curse only to make someone else richer? Because I'm a slave on my landlord and credit card companies? How much is ours to waste and how much should we pass on? I was never sure. No, it can't buy hapiness, but it can bring help. Or food even. Shelter, perhaps? I don't think capitalism is working for the best of us... those who haven't been spoiled by it.

This train is stopping here.

For a man of only 155 pounds (I used to weigh 158, but i dropped to 152 last week after the flu), for some reason or other I seem to have a huge moment (amount) of inertia. (that's physics terminology). Allow me to explain. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion and objects at rest tend to stay at rest. This has great importance in my life. I have been known to work on things for hours on end, and every once in while someone asks, "Why don't you take a break or something?" For me, it's easier to keep going. I've worked on research papers for days on end, stopping only shortly to eat and sleep. Seriously. There have been times when I've cleaned for days, as long as there was something to clean. Small projects are more like productions in my hands. That's just my nature. Don't try and stop me. Just kidding. This inertia helps explain why I don't like taking short trips driving, but I love longer trips. I'm not much of a stop and go person at all. That's where the problems begin. Despite having workaholic qualities, I do get very lazy more often than I'll admit to. I don't like starting things if I'm not sure I want to go through with them because I don't like to stop in the middle of things. I've always had the mindset to see or work things through all the way, never content to half-ass anything, even when it's taking out the trash. In relation to my recent state of depression, I think I've just been stuck in a bad spot. But I think I'm moving now. A little slowly, yes, but definitely moving. And I don't feel like stopping anytime soon. I wouldn't be surprised if He was pushing me.

The Lord is my shepherd, my rock and my shield. I will rely on the Lord.

That's my comfort.

tonight
look at yourself
pray for peace
pray for truth
pray for vision
give thanks for friends
for family
for time
recognize your misgivings
share your heart
accept your space

tomorrow
live

I feel like a failure. Damn it, let me explain.

Failure follows me around like a bad nickname. I really think I've failed this time. Failed to see what I've been letting happen to myself. It got really ugly for a while (not too long ago). Thank God for those little wake up calls though. I've been known to doze off in class and in the shower and what not... but usually not in the middle of everything. Walking around like a zombie while things fall apart around you doesn't make things any easier. That's how I failed, not seeing everything go to hell around me while I just moped around. I'm still a little depressed, but I think it was just a big funk of mine. It really helped talking to my friend Reg. I'm gonna really miss her once she graduates. It's funny, but my registration window's come and gone and I'm not even registered for one single class. There are other things more important that getting the classes I want. Life, for example. But you probably knew that. Something broke through to me today, or I cracked somehow. It's about time.

I'm going to sleep tonight feeling somewhat inspired. God's a funny muse.

I almost feel liberated.... (song of the moment - outkast & cee-lo - liberation)

I'm feeling a little depressed lately. I think I'm in a rut actually. Something's not right with me, or I'm just too out of it feel normal. For a guy that has a lot to write about, I don't really say that much. Almost like a social-introspective imbalance. There are certain things you don't just tell anyone at any time. My problem is, whatever I want to talk about never comes up with anybody. I get the feeling that everybody's caught up in their own thing. But maybe that's just me. I don't think it helps that my sleep schedule is screwed to hell (walk up at 9, fall asleep again till 1, eat, fall asleep at 2, wake up at 5). By then, everyone's beginning to wind down while I'm only starting my "day." And after midnight, I go home and the roommates are either sleeping or in their rooms with the doors closed. Not very inviting. Plus you tend to talk to people less online past your early college years. This all amounts to a big helping of self-imposed solitary.

I need to wake up in the mornings.

I wonder if this is common for college seniors to feel this way. I'm sort of a special case in that sometimes, even though I truly want to be a part of something, once in a while I find myself wanting to be on the outside again, looking in. It's hard to explain, but I guess you could relate it to how getting a present. The anticipation can be the best part of receiving something, yet when it's opened, there's a sense of disappointment. I'm definitely not trying to say that I'm ungrateful or resentful or anything, but maybe I was expecting something else. Do you follow me? I'm keeping this a little abstract. Thinking more about it, maybe I just miss things the way they were before. A lot of things seemed better not too long ago. It reminds me of my theory that the incoming classes of freshmen get less and less involved and enthusiastic about everything and are more inclined to keep to themselves. I don't mean to offend or discourage any of you active kids, but damn, things have changed. It's like I'm part of a dying breed. I really want to see the fire and determination in people around me. Not just because I feel off of it, but because it makes it seem like what you do as part of the older generation is worthwhile. Damn, sounds like I'm past my prime already. I still have it somewhere. Once in a while I feel this awesome hunger to do something.. anything. I'll have to let that explode and start something one of these days. I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting time. All I need now is a focus. And possibly some inspiration.

Life has a way of making you feel old. Or maybe just out of it. Even though I woke up late today (past noon) and missed my first class, I still went to school, only to find next to nobody there. Kinda depressing, especially because I really enjoy seeing people I know on campus. Otherwise you go about your own agenda and either forget about everyone else or just get lonely. I came home not wanting to do anything, but my roommate convinced me to go grocery shopping with him. Food shopping can make you feel better, if you're with the right people of course. They have to love food. Which brings me to my current train of though. If somebody goes through the effort of cooking for you, don't go cook something else. Especially if the cook is filipino! Rule: never refuse food from a filipino. There. Nuff said.

Thank God for the rain. Unlike some people, I actually love rain. If you ever get the chance, stand outside with an umbrella under the rain at night and hold the umbrella high above your head so that you can't hear the rian hit your umbrella (if there's a streetlight stand near it and you'll be able to see the flow of the rain as it falls)... it's almost as if you're standing in the middle of the rain without actually getting wet. For those who don't like the rain: think about those who don't have anywhere to get out of the rain, or who don't have any dry clothes to change in to.

I know this is just after the last one, but I feel compelled to separate the two...

Sometimes you just have to break something. I get restless being too comfortable and thinking about it, I realize that most of the time I'm not even happy in the same routines that I perpetuate. Change is a funny thing. I used to dread it, yet now I think I need it more and more often to keep from becoming a zombie, locked into a disgustingly boring and trite life. I'm definitely not suggesting that dramatic, constant change in everything is good, but in certain cases, change should be welcome. When everyone else is walking, maybe someone needs to run. Or stop. More and more, I feel like I want to run. I don't know if anyone wants to run with me however, and I already know how lonely that is. I have a great urge to push my limits, to stretch my thinking and develop my sense of the world, but too often I'm just left dreaming. Maybe I'll get my time to run.

Sickness takes a toll on you. I think I might have lost 5 pounds or so, and I only really felt bad two of the last four days. The flu is something wicked too. At one point, it hurt to breathe and took too much energy to stay awake, but I was shaking too much from chills to fall asleep and too tired to look for another blanket. Oh yea, waking up shivering and not being able to fall back asleep... no fun. Good thing I'm past the worst of it. Now it's just the stuffy nose and cough that I have to deal with. It's not bad though.

On the upside, I finally got the stupid security code for my car stereo/cd player. It's been almost a month without any music in my car and frankly, it sucked. I really like to drive, especially on a long open road, a little twisty, with the windows down, the sunroof open, and the cd player blasting something while you downshift and zoom around. It's not quite the same without something to listen to. And since I usually never have any passengers, that meant all I had to listen to was my engine, which I got pretty in tune with. It felt a little strange driving and not being able to hear the engine, but I got over it as soon as I hit the rev limiter. I love driving. Most of the time anyway.