Even though I slept at 6 and had to get up at 9, and even though I usually lag like no other leaving the house in the morning, and even though there was plenty of stuff I should have done before I went to bed (like laundry and getting my props together) I still managed to get to campus for spirit rally preparations at 10:07. I think I needed to prove to myself that I can be as reliable as I believe I should be. I also wanted to set a good example, instead of being the perennial slacker. I thought there'd be people waiting for me already, and I was racing down the freeway, but I was the first one there... but that's just the sort of work ethic I want to have again. First to arrive, last to leave.

Preparations went slowly, waiting for everyone to arrive and rehearse skits and whatnot. Em kept telling me I am the brother God didn't give her... or was it the brother God didn't want her to have?!?!? I think she's right though, because I don't see her as I do other friends, but she's one of the closest friends to being family that I know, someone I never feel awkward talking to, maybe because of how far we go back, although we were never really close until college. But that says a lot... I'm not an easy person to be close to.

I left practice to go pay fees for kababayan so I could be in the senior suite and took Roma along so we could promote a little bit for the rally. I left with a bad taste in my mouth. We both got looks and attitude, just for passing out flyers. Saying no is one thing, but some of them acted as if we didn't belong there. Roma's partner for her suite starting bitching to her about not being at practice (because she was helping with the rally) and making a big deal about her commitment to PCN. Whoa. Maybe doing what you believe in isn't more important than one PCN practice. Maybe not making one PCN practice means you don't respect Pilipino culture. Or maybe some people's priorities are mixed up. Maybe some people have a Pilipino Complex or something. But then again, maybe people with different priorities shouldn't be in PCN. It's great that they find our culture important enough to devote their time to learning their dances, but to turn a pig-headed ego-tripping self-righteous person into a cultured pig-headed ego-tripping self-righteous person is almost a wasted effort. Many stereotypes go around about Filipinos, like how they're very hospitable and welcoming, or about how they love taking pictures, or how they have a light-hearted nature. Of course, there are far more negative stereotypes, some which we can't shake... like being prideful to the point of arrogance and ignorance. Is PCN more important that how you interact with people, especially when you share the same cultural and ethnic background? Has it come to the point again where I should feel ashamed at times to be Filipino because certain Filipinos have forgotten that culture and ethnicity are more about your state of mind and your roots than a cultural dance routine you perform once a year? I know that those few people do not represent my culture, but for the people who interact with them, Filipino or not, they are representatives, ambassadors, diplomats... so why the hostility towards two unwilling outsiders? I hope that what I experienced from those few people is simply a misunderstanding, just an isolated episode, but I have a nagging feeling that the problem is rooted in something deeper. There were at least a few people didn't shrug me off like I was unfit... hopefully I meet more before PCN is over... or before I just stop going. I really feel the need to become more culturally aware, and I think PCN would help in some way, but I'm not going to surround myself with negativity to do it.

A long hard night, fourteen hours without eating... it was all spirit rally stuff today, whether it was editing, picking up people, grabbing food, running errands with Sonny, or looking for equipment. The only thing that really got to me today was that the food was gone before everyone had a chance to eat. I thought three pizzas were enough, but I guess not. I tried to order more pizza around 11:40, but the pizza place wouldn't pick up their phone until 11:55, and when they did, they said they were closed already. We didn't end practice until 2:30, and I tried to to more editing at Kathleen's dorm, but just fell asleep. I drove home around 5, going a little fast on the 73 onramp, and I almost hit a car stopped just around the blind corner. There was another car that hit the curb, so the airbags were deployed and everything. I stopped and waited with them until the police arrived, and I made my way home, a little more cautiously. I can't say that I'm excited right now for the spirit rally, but once it's time, I'll have nothing less to stress about. The sun is almost up. I need sleep.

Spirit rally practice ended at 3am because it took almost three hours to film enough footage for two commercials. I've forgotten how long video project usually take. I used to spend six hours for group projects which produced just five minutes of end footage. Instead of going home, Fran, Mabobber, Shelby, Reg, NG, Dee, David, Beej, and I agreed to get some carne asada fries, not in SD, but somewhere in Fountain Valley. Good thing their plan A failed, which was to go to SD to get it, but Reg convinced them otherwise. The place ended up being closed, and being indecisive as we are, we made a good 5 or 6 U-turns before settling on 24 hour pho. Good stuff, although the water was straight from the tap. We joked around for a while, then parted at 5. How long can I keep this up?

I'm feeling very philosophical-contemplative, thinking about the space around me and all the skeleton of social and personal relationship that create the communities and societies that we participate in daily. It's times like these when I'm most creative, when the thoughts continue to flow and all I can do is find some outlet for my expression, in this case, my humble blog. Drifiting between consciousness and dreams, aware and isolated at the same time, moving without leaving my seat. Time does not exist this moment, this hole in the middle of thousands and millions of souls, each with their own agenda and purpose, some with no purpose. A group of people just walked backwards, bent over, through the student center, quacking. Nothing is normal, and little is understood, yet the regression and progression balances like the metabolism of the body of humanity, fighting to grow, expand, fight disease, consume energy sources... For this moment the body is still while the mind races, runs from the everyday doldrums and distrations of a world lost in trival expenditures and purchases, trading life and space for nothingness. Where do I find myself? Back at UCI, looking at a computer screen. Life goes on.

I set my alarm for 9 and slept on the couch so I could wake up go to the beach and help film some scenes for the upcoming spirit rally, but I only woke up to turn off my alarm. I actually got up at 4:30, 7 hours later. I think the sleep was much needed though. I was falling asleep at the spirit rally at one point. I fought with Malcolm (the cat), but he ended up slashing me pretty well. I swear that cat must think we're trying to kill it sometimes. It wigs out all the time. I went to mass at 6:30 but I didn't have time to make it for choir practice, which I've been trying to be consistent with, because it's so sad to see so many people go to mass and only three people in the choir sometimes. Afterwards, we had spirit rally practice. I had my hand at Fran's videocamera, which got me to thinking about buying one. Maybe not too seriously, but it would be nice. I would want a new computer to do editing and all that, so I'll hold off on that purchase for a while. I still don't even have a scanner, with all 3000 (at least) pictures I've taken just sitting around my room in their respective costco developing envelopes. Beej was cracking me up so much while I was taping that I had to stop singing. We changed some words to the songs Mom wrote up on the whiteboard, but she got mad and made us change them. Practice went well, and we learned a new song. I usually try to sing loud so people can feed off me, but sometimes I think I'm singing off key or something, especially when I'm one of the few guys singing. I'm not too confident in my own voice yet, despite doing plenty of choir related things since freshman year. We copied a huge stack of flyers for another flyer blitz, this time directed mainly at cars. I really hope that it works. After going to SOL's youth rally, I don't want to see any empty chairs in SSLH on Saturday. That's why this last advertising push is so important to me, although we really should have done this earlier. Lessons for next year, I guess. We stayed for David's berfday surprise, while Mom and Reg conspired and executed their plan to cake him. They really stuck it to him, because he looked like one of those Blue-Man dudes. He attempted to get Mom back, but she fell dramatically to her knees and begged him not to. I've got to get hold of that videotape. We resumed our word rearrangement and came up with The Boys of Juan Colleen. Mom gave me the mom face though, and she didn't stop either. I think I would have cracked if I didn't hide behind the whiteboard. Leaving the parking lot, I peeled out around Nat's car just for kicks and then circled around, but she too gave me the mom face. Geez. She seemed really peeved. I felt like a jerk right then. Two mom faces in the same day will do that to you.

Once again I neglected to call my sister for her birthday. Man, I feel like crap. I don't call her that much, and to not call on her birthday, I hope she doesn't hate me for it. I wish that we talked more though... Things have opened up since I've left for college, but very slowly. I'm not very close to anyone in my family, partly because all the stresses we've had growing up, but now I need them more than ever. There's so much space to close...

I talked to Melissa online, and I realized that I haven't been this alright being single in a long long time. Possibly ever. I told her there's nobody I think of when I hear a slow jam. Sounds a little sad, but I think it can be a good thing, especially in my own situation. Hearing so much about letting go and all that from everyone, I could benefit much by taking that to heart. My path will go where it goes. I've gotten so tired of looking for what's not there, so tired of pitying myself.

No longer a tourist, not yet a pilgrim.

The spirit rally was yesterday at 10 am. What time did I wake up for it? 9 am, but it didn't help that I slept after 5. We finally left around 10 waiting for people to get together. Reg managed to miss the right freeway onramp, even though I was driving right behind her. We grabbed some subway for our lunch and finally arrived, only 2 hours late. Not bad, huh? The rally was an awesome experience, if kinda wild at times... we were the only college based group out of the hundreds of high schoolers there. A couple of incidents happened to me:
- the priest that did my confession pretty much kicked me out after I said just one sentence because he was in a hurry, even though I told him I had more to say
- I get back only to find all the chicken for dinner was gone (because I was standing in line for confession)
- I was supposed to be in a family feud thing onstage, and I was to represent for LOG, but they started without me and chose someone else
I guess you can't have it all sometimes. At least it didn't take away from my experience. I did notice again however my feeling of always having this space about me, that I'm never quite with the crowd, though never on the edge either. It reminded me of how I used to walk home freshman year to my aparment. It was about a 15 minute walk, maybe a mile or so. Almost every time, there would be at least one streetlight that would shut off right while I was directly under it or within 10 feet of it, and that's no exaggeration. Once in a while, it would happen three times on the same walk home. It even happened the following year when I started biking to my other apartment. I'm not sure if that happens to anyone else. It could be my own phenomenon.

After the rally we went to go eat at Banana Bay. I wasn't expecting much, but it was really fun, despite getting stuck on the far end of the table. I even got to order boba for my drink. How cool is that? I had a shrimp and spaghetti stir fry dish, but the menu said nothing about it being spicy. I couldn't even eat all the shrimp because there were peppers all over them. I traded with Fran for her duck (or was it chicken?) and watched as Sonny sampled all the hot food, including some extra spicy salsa stuff. I think he started tearing... The band there was awesome, maybe nothing special compared to other bands, but they really fit the mood of the evening. They played good songs... I was going to request Let's Stay Together and right then they started playing it. It's like going clubbing and hearing all the songs you want to hear but don't get a chance to request. I beat everyone home by a slim margin (Mom was there to use her passenger side brake pedal) and I crashed at 25A Parkwatts, waking up to Sonny tormenting Nimz. I enjoyed the entertainment for a little while, then made my way home, exhausted, but feeling less depressed than I ususally do after those big spiritual highs you get from rallys and retreats. I think that's one of the bigger challenges after you get that high... to keep yourself from feeling powerless and weak so that you can apply that new energy and knowledge in your life. It probably helped too that I didn't go straight home after eating with everyone. It's kind of sad coming home to my apartment and knowing that the next morning, I'm going to wake up and I'll be back in the same situations that I wanted to get a break from. I need to keep that balance. I believe that this time might be different.