It was a beautiful night. I smelled it in the air again. Wintertime. I really love winter. Even the fog tonight was comforting, just walking in the clouds... There's a feeling of peacefulness in the late night fog. It makes you slow down, realize that it's not just important where you're headed, but also where you are now.

More dreams again... this time I was in some movie, but I wasn't a character, only an observer, so everything was happening around me like I wasn't there. It was like some combination of Joyride, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Final Destination... with some other movie elements stuck in. Where do I dream all this up?

It's funny how things can turn around so quickly... I've been picking up some crazy mixed up vibes...

Work wasn't too bad today. I got a chance to clean the leaves out of my car and clean my window enough so I could see alright from my side view mirror. I'm at least three weeks overdue for a car wash. Not only that, but I need an oil change bad and scheduled maintenance is soon to be past due. At least it's not so bad on the inside. Even though I get off work, I still catch a ride with Geeps to class, but not before grabbing 2 spicy chickens for fuel. Our midterm group for our Hollywood history class is pretty cool--Geeps,Mababers, and two other peeps. I think we'll do well as a group.

Not wanting to break our streak, GP, Cristina and I went to our 5th or 6th consecutive Kaba meeting, even if it was only for the ending. Joy Bisco was MCing for the night, so there was reason to stick around for a bit, despite the heat and the stinkiness by the doorway. I ended up being squished into a group picture with Ms. Bisco and the PUSO guys. When everyone left, PUSO was chilling by the student center entrance when Ms. Bisco made her way to the parking lot.

me: [waving] Bye!
Joy: Hey! That's a sick hat!
me: thanks

Oh yea. She's diggin the hat. It's my favorite hat. I was about to ask her if she'd like to help us out and make an appearance at the Medical Mission Gala, but Vanessa swung by and spoke to her a little. They're second cousins or something. So there I lost my train of thought, but maybe we can get her to speak at HSO. That would be awesome.

We continued to chill (at King's Park in the LBC?) by the student center entrance. Mike and I got Melissa to talk about her banana (guy coding) and we gave her advice... about her banana. It's so much easier to talk about relationship-type situations when you substitute people for fruit. HSO planning went well. We figure that if we make it out to be like SPOP, but for underpriveleged kids, we'll be able to get more people to apply to be facilitators. That will make facilitator training really fun, and hopefully fulfilling. We even made up an alias for HSO... P-ROC. PUSO's Reach Out Conference. Flo stopped by too and we convinced her and her friend to apply to be facilitators. Then Melissa gave me a ride home and she brought up the time we performed for last year's benefit concert with Flo and Roma... and when we all went to watch the meteor showers up in Turtle Rock... and Melissa wore sandals, so she put a napkin over her feet to keep them warm... hahaha...

After paying out everything I owe to my roommates, I'm down damn near $700. I need to work more.

I'm going to ride out this wave and see where it takes me...

Things aren't quite right...

Being the person I am, I want to fix things. I need to at least try to fix things. The only problem is that things are so twisted right now... so mixed up... I can tear away at everything wrong, but once I finished there won't be much left to speak of. These are delicate situations, and these are desperate times.

Truth is easier to find than to embrace.

I've been having so many dreams lately. This morning I had three dreams, right before I woke up the first time, and two right before my snooze time ran out. Each one got more vivid. The past week I think I've been have really elaborate dreams. I've never had so many dreams so often... I think it boils down to the turmoil in my head. I'm so restless inside lately. I've been trying to do the things I've always wanted to do, being careful not to take on too much responsibility, but there's a nagging sense that I'm missing out more than anything else. I've always valued being part of something, and now it feels like I'm not part of anything really. It's almost as if I've invested in so many things to the extent that I've spread myself thin.

I wonder what's better: making myself scarce, or putting everything I got into a few select things. I'm not the type to give up on things either. The worst is that I think other people believe I'm too over-extended to do much else. It's a hunger which doesn't go away for me. I always believe I can do more...

... is it worth it?

Life can really wear you out sometimes.

I'm getting so tired of stuff. How great life would be if there wasn't so much stuff in the world. I could do all the window shopping in the world and it would never make me happy. Damn, if I wasn't so busy, I wouldn't need a freaking cell phone. If I didn't have to go home for things I'd be alright with my bike. If the weather wasn't so crazy, I'd be perfectly alright wearing basketball shorts and whatever t-shirt I pulled out of the closet. It's so frustrating when you get that materialistic mentality, especially when you walk through bougie-ass South Coast or something and suddenly you get a head trip that you have to buy some $60 shirt that cost not even $2 to make. And screw that driving-a-lexus/bmx/bimmer-makes-me-better-and-faster-than-you-so-i-can-cut-you-off-in-your-sub-$25-grand-car attitude. I can't take those drivers. I don't want to be rich... and see my priorities get seriously mixed up.

...we were so happy poor, but when we got rich, that's when our signals got crossed, and we got flipped...

A lot have happened in my absence... of mind?

I guess you could say that. But I try.

Flashbacks

sometimes the day is just too long
talks in the car just when you need them
ballin' till your shoes make your ankles bleed
watching movies for grades
kaba meeting too crowded
chillin at the atm's with log "the spot" thursday night
calling people to join us
#1's and what could have been
23:23:23... missed
the bookstore employee roster
01:01:01... missed
4 pedal wheelie record
bike lessons
02:02:02... missed
intermural football practice until sunset
back to interfaith to catch a ride to the bonfire
finally a bonfire with something to burn
superskewers with the melting tape
amazing electric blue wave and blue sand
chill time back at interfaith again
in-and-out with niko, krystyle, gp, and leo... fries and shakes?
back to work with cor and slick
using the shawshank bathrooms
driving down to the ends of alton blvd in the middle of the night
more driving all the way down laguna canyon and donw pch till dana point
another monday another board meeting... some things are better left unsaid
late to puso again after work, but loving the water fight
race off for kaba football, but only getting in on 4 or 5 plays (defense)
race back for log, with new families and picture stories
leave early for kaba volleyball, and feeling like a novice again
back to interfaith again before going home
waiting for gerald to play the movie in the projection booth for film studies class... and waiting... and waiting
making applesauce with scott
leaving discussion early to "watch the game"
the kaba meeting that would never end
over to csl to catch the red sox vs. yankees game 7 for real
being kicked out in the bottom of the 8th by a fire alarm
kaba meeting still going
watching the last 3 crazy innings at the pub
to the arc for puso bball, but nobody shows up that's on the roster
playing man defense on a guy that never really touched the ball at all, but didn't do much about it either
rushing off to football practice and stopping at in-and-out for a double double and some water
sweating like crazy for almost 2 hours
could hardly move anymore... almost falling off my bike a few times on the way home
trying to hold it together while i tried to make a protein shake
passing out of the couch with chills
going to interfaith to chill against my best instincts
fever, chills, headache, weakness, dizziness, muscle soreness all night
clarisse's birthday, caking, and finally being introduced
not going to the hospital... and going for the pedialyte instead
joyce's opinion on leo... and derrick...
talking into the wee hours of morning
no homelss outreach but california pizza kitchen with joyce and tins
off to san diego for dee's and em's bday thing
seat belts are a big deal
first time at hard rock, diggin the atmosphere
indecisiveness in the parking structure
back to the hotel with the young'ns
all things in moderation... so they say
... what happens in san diego stays in san diego, except for the videotape...
california burritos at lolitas, and disappearing for the picture
sitting shottie for the ride home
late for the alyansa meeting and mass
hso cancelled, but met for benefit concert practice and puso meeting planning with ryan

...and that's not even the half of it. It's actually the majority. The memory isn't that great after more than a week though.