...we're never gonna survive unless... we get a little crazy

I guess I really am crazy sometimes, though I might seem to be pretty rational. I'm crazy for trying for med school with my grades. I'm crazy for doing dishes for myself and six other people just about every day. I'm crazy for drinking the juice of two chickens (it wasn't just me! stupid dares...). I'm crazy for writing all this out. That's just a sample of my craziness. In all this chaos and irrationality, I disregard my instincts and my common sense. Why? Because the world is an irrational place. Love is irrational. I believe in love. Call me crazy.

I just came back from a YFC brotherhood forum. Crazy, those people are. Three of us (including myself) were dared to drink the juice of two cooked chickens, basically chicken flavored fat. At least they had to do my dare, have 3 guys drink simultaneously from the same cup, filled with water (which I spiked generously with lemon juice concentrate) without putting it down. Funny stuff. It was my first real bonding experience with the YFC brothers, as a group in their element, so to speak. Though I've just started to get active with them, I think they have something special going on, different than my Liwanag family, but everybody has their own style.

-enjoying the chaos

I've been up since 8 am now, and it's been the longest day I've had in about three weeks. To top that off, I haven't really eaten much due to Ash Wednesday, but for reasons beyond me, I don't feel any of the hunger pangs that normally go along with my fast metabolism. Something is wrong. I'm not hungry.

Except now I'm tired, but just my eyes. My body is sore from working out three days in a row, but I feel like I could go run a mile if I had to. My mind is all over the place and I can't seem to anchor it so I can get to sleep. It's as if I'm waiting for something... expecting something. It is 2:30 am, and I feel like I should be waiting for something. But what? The house is pretty dead silent after 1:00 anyway. I must be trippin.

No day but today.

Good Lord! The weather is awesome right now. I'm actually happy I woke up early, even with only 4 hours sleep, to go to class (and since I haven't been to class in a while, I actually ended up going an hour early and feeling kinda stupid) and just be outside. Being nocturnal as I am, I forgot what things looked like in sunlight. A cool crisp breeze and a warm (not hot) sun. It's basketball weather. Or football. Or tennis. I miss playing sports. If any of you ever want to play anything, I'm down. Almost anything... Just walking around today made me want to smile. I guess it's just one of those days. I woke up to my alarm after sleeping through three of them the past week and a half, watched our schizo cat run away from me like I'm going to skin it, then I relaxed in the shade and read the paper and caught up with some friends before class. If I wasn't such a night person, I'd be outside or something every beautiful day like this. But then again, every day is beautiful, in His eyes at least.

Now that it's Lent, I feel primed to really do some damage. In a good way, of course. I feel a greater sense of purpose to change than I have in a while. Temper my resolve, open my heart, cleanse my soul. Stop looking for excuses and start discovering truths. Be more sincere in everything I do. And along the way, eat a little less red meat (that's a given though).

As Father Pat might say, we're all in the University. Of life. UL. Time for some higher education. And don't fall asleep in class.

After sampling the vast college menu here and there for the last three odd years, I feel like loading up my plate now. My appetite is growing for all sort of things. I feel as if I'm not doing anything if I don't have at least a couple of things lining up during the week. There is still so much I want to do, but now I have to choose a little bit more carefully than before. I want to feel full, but not gorge myself on everything that looks appealing. Now is the time and the place. In this case, life is truly too short to watch too closely what you eat.

Even though I missed all three of my classes today, I felt like I had a full day. First PUSO's pizza party and mafia game (I can't trust Kristine anymore), then the UV concert, where a bunch of old friends came to watch, then Liwanag, then the ARC. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay for the whole UV concert because I wanted to go to Liwanag. It didn't help that they were on Filipino time either. I'm glad I did make it to Liwanag though, because they did a personal affirmation activity, which I think we haven't done in the longest. I told Francia I'd be early though, and I ended up being an hour and a half late. Sorry Fran! It was a good opportunity to say the things you usually save till goodbyes and random moments of bonding that are few and far between. Things that should be said more often. I wished I could have spoken to everyone, but I was late and the meeting ran way over. There was actually someone in particular (who shall go unnamed), because for some reason it always seems awkward trying to talk to this person, and I don't even know why. It's like we're still acquaintances, or well-acquainted acquaintances. I wanted to clear the air so to speak, just open things up. I dunno. Just think of that one person that you always see around, but you never really get to talk to, for whatever reason. Maybe it's just circumstance. **If you end up reading this and you know it's you, i dunno. Leave me a message. Or whatever.** It makes me feel like I can't hold a conversation with this person. That bugs me. Even enough to blog about it.

They say the whole should be greater than the sum of its parts. However, if even one part is broken or damaged, the whole suffers. In the forest, the death of the highest tree allows for new growth. Like ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Basta Ikaw. I pray that I really mean that.

After running for the past couple of days, I feel like cruising again. My heart still beats slightly fast, anticipating, expecting. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm eager to take that next step, cross the next bridge. Too bad I have to wait until the morning. Not much happens after 2 am.

Keep on.

I just spent the last hour trying to tweak this page ever so slightly. I doubt you'll notice. Anyway, leave me a message so I know my efforts haven't been in vain. Hehe... sounds so sad, doesn't it?

I've been very nostalgic lately. I guess I attribute it to the soon to end school year. Going home again kinda stirred some of those feelings up too. I went to mass at my old church and all the people I saw that I knew from high school and before are almost all grown up now. Even the young'ns are in high school now. It makes you really want to feel young and recapture that carefree feeling of youth. Ironically, I was never much of a carefree child. Maybe I'm trying to live out my childhood retroactively in my early adulthood. That might explain my toys and my playful nature. I'm thinking it might be good to approach things from a child-like perspective--colorblind, unbiased, and slightly less cautious. To have dreams again. To chase those dreams. Dream of liberation from a world of negativity and diseased thinking. Dream of elevating society to a new state of consciousness and togetherness. Dream of love. Dream of hope for something more. Dream.

Peace.

The last two days have been pretty interesting for me. I know you'd love to read about it, so keep on!

On Friday I went to the fashion district in LA to meet with my roommate and her sister because every last Friday of the month there's a sample sale, where new styles go for below wholesale. The first building had some pretty whack stuff that I felt almost compelled to buy simply due to the cost of gasoline and parking (my roommate paid $14; luckily, I only paid $5). The second building had some good stuff, so I came away with some fairly cheap quality clothes. Not too shabby, eh? It was an interesting experience, because it was halfway between a swapmeet and a showcase; half the shops/offices didn't have any samples, and when you tried to look at their clothes they got all up in your grill, like you were trying to jack their style or something. Other label reps were really chill. People were shedding clothes in the corners of the room because there were no changing rooms. One guy was making a presentation to a buyer (I think). He said that everyone who's making it as a designer in the clothing industry is pulling out their hair because of the stress. I don't think I could ever see myself in that line of work. My roommate is trying to, and it's a lot of work. Of course, then I remembered that I was never really cut out for the business world anyway. I could only every sell or promote something I had my hands in. Being a biology major, I've kinda closed that door anyway. Leaving the place was interesting too. Walking around downtown makes you feel pretty insignificant, and the comfort level really isn't there either. I'd like to think I could hold my own in the city. When I got my car back from the parking dude I forgot to tip him, even though he parked my car for me. I even had the money ready. Damn, I used to be a valet too, and I hated stiffs with a passion. He was helpful too, got me back to the freeway without getting lost. Guess that's just one more thing I have to keep in mind.

After coming back to Irvine, I helped my fellow Loggers buy food for the homeless outreach we had today in LA. I figure we had about 700-800 pounds of food and water. We shelled out about $650 and ended up making 525 something lunches. That's after someone decided to ignore our warning signs and took a whole case of water and fruit snacks, $20 worth of food. How whack is that? The signs stated it was for homeless people. I wonder what that person did with it. I would have helped pack the lunches, but I worked out late Friday night and slept late. Even with my stereo a foot away from my ear, I didn't wake up to the alarm. I did however, feel a throbbing pain in my ear when I finally woke up three hours later. I didn't even get to shower because I called them up and they were going to leave me. I really hauled getting to campus. It's so nice driving stick. Anyway, I barely made it before they had threatened to leave and we made our way to LA. The lunches went really quick this time, partly because people were grabbing at them, and also because people were being hella greedy. One guy made off with about ten lunches. I'm not even sure he was homeless or not. Some guys had gold and platinum chains (dunno if they were fake or not) and were standing in line, asking for extra lunches. One guys told us about his philosophies about Skid Row. He told us he respected everybody and didn't mess with people... as long as there wasn't crack involved. At least a few people got lunches who really needed them. That's about the most we could have done anyway.

After the homeless outreach, we ate Jolly-Bee's in Carson and ate at Leo's house. Then we played mafia. And then, we piled in our cars and made our way to Irvine again. I think only the drivers were awake. How sad is that? Instead of playing racquetball, a few of us chilled at Francia's apartment and vegged. After that I left and then drove home to Chino Hills. I was pulling almost 90 mph in some areas. I've been driving fast lately (partly out of necessity), but never unsafely. I never go that much faster than traffic. The general traffic just seems to be going 5-10 mph faster than it usually does. I can't say I don't enjoy it. Every once in a while it's good to stretch your legs out (i.e. push your comfort level). I get this weird tense feeling in my legs when I drive fast. I drive in constant fear of being pulled over. Until I feel like cruising again, I'll run. They say it's good for the heart.

I hope you didn't read all of that hoping for a grand revelation at the end. Life isn't made up of grand revelations though. Without the in-betweens, you don't have much.

I'm left in a profound state of gratitude. Thank you Lord.