On and on. I started at work, passing some time in the park, then back home for tetris and Texas-Hold'em with the roomies, then off to Fridays for Mel's birthday dinner. Despite not getting my water or my soup for 30 minutes, it was a lot of fun. Craziness. Then we loitered outside for an hour with the Mel show. Then Geeps and I rolled to the Days First Friday vigil. More food, more friends, more hijinks. Dude, where's my car? I love pranks. Lovette said she'd sock the person who moved Frank's car... and then she walked right in my direction! Like I would ever do anything like that... [then I realized it would've been awesome if I parked at the end of the grass field...]

So I take a break until tomorrow. Good night. Spread love.

Who would've thought?

Yesterday I actually did real work while "working," as I call my misadventures as driver and video game expert for Scott. Good thing too, because I had to stay a little bit late. I killed that homework. Then I switched wheels (4 to 2) and headed off to campus for neuro lab, but not before grabbing some Carl's Jr. I bumped into Von Dutchess and E. Portugal, then Cristobal. It's funny when you see different circles of friends get mixed up.

Lab was another story. I wasn't expecting the fatty quiz our TA dropped on us, but luckily I remembered what I skimmed through a few hours earlier while Scott was bugging me to play gunbound. And Francine's making up the lab. I don't think I've seen her around more than twice in the past two or three years. I had the great job of cutting a nerve out of a massive frog, which was about as big as my planner. Blood, guts, and connective tissue were no match for me. We started the first of 5 experiments, but for some reason my groups wasn't getting it done. By the time we finished the first experiment, we had about an hour left and other groups were on the third experiment already. Luckily our TA cut us a break and somehow we managed to get out before 10.

Today I learned that I didn't bomb the midterm I took on Tuesday. Woohoo for the curve! I actually pulled off a solid B. Good thing all my bio classes overlap this quarter, or I'd be SOL. If I didn't miss class that one time I wasn't sick, I'd probably have an A. Doh. I caught another break in my Asian-Am class, which was nice.

Lunch at Interfaith was off the hook. Tortilla casserole, looking for bread, followed by mad hacky sack [ucc hackers?] and dippy dippy dip [do] craziness. And then everyone left quick! Maybe someone farted...

On the way to class, NG and I discussed a new commercial for spirit rally... the brainchild of mad LOG and Thursday lunch insanity. And then there was the thing. On the planter. It was fuzzy. And NG picked it up. So everyone we bumped into we introduced them to the thing. Julie... Cristina and some Morse peeps... Kathee... Machacha/Jona/Frances (who I always bump into right before the same class).

I get to class 20 minutes late, but I don't miss anything. I love it. Lecture turned permanent discussion. It's weird, but our group is the least social of all the other groups. I made it a point to pair up with different people when we present our info to the other groups. Everyone else likes to sit in the same seat and talk to the same groups all the time. I would have thought people wouldn't be so shy in the upper division classes. Maybe it's just bio majors. Damn bio majors. I actually talked to a bunch of people though, so I'm making the effort.

All this academic pursuit is making the idea of me going to med school a lot more believeable, in my mind at least. I think the biggest thing for me was learning how to learn from my mistakes. I think I was always one to try to do everything cautiously enough so wouldn't make mistakes, but I've made so many mistakes now that I can't just keep doing what I'm doing. So I being more organized. I'm trying to go to sleep and wake up on time all the time. I'm starting to do work in the short meaningless breaks in my schedule. I'm starting to be more realistic. I'm not limiting myself to what I'm comfortable with, especially in social situations.

So as I push myself towards something... I feel like I have more and more to talk about. And more to change about myself. I wonder why all this has taken so long...

And I wonder about those silly anti-social bio majors. I know they don't just think about bio classes...

Wow. I got raped. Stupid functional neuroanatomy. Damn test wasn't even that hard. If only I started one day earlier. Then I would have realized the notes were in powerpoint format, which I lost after I formatted my computer. I also would have realized that I completely forgot about the anatomy program which we were supposed to be learning all the brain structures with. Who would have thought we actually be studying anatomy in functional neuroanatomy? Not I, said the blind man...

So I resolve to take care of business. No matter how much I wanted to ditch and take a nap somewhere, I made it through the rest of my classes, and even started my lab work (which I usually start Wednesday night--that would've been bad, to put it lightly) during the hour and a half break before PUSO. I hope I can keep this up. I need to keep this up.

I've got to do something.

It rained today.

The clouds built up for a long time... and I tried to avoid getting wet, but what can you do when you have nothing to cover your head? I think the rain was long overdue. Maybe the clouds will be gone tomorrow, but the air will be different for sure.

Rain on me.

Wake up, Jay.

I've been sleeping... until I got that call. I only wish it came sooner.

I'm a mess right now.

An allergic mess, probably from the cat hairs on my shirt (from playing with my old roommates' cats, which I got used to after a while, but got allergic to them again)... eyes burning, sneezing, rose running...

An academic mess, despite trying like hell not to fall behind in class, I mainly neglected to study when I had time and just failed to keep up when I got tired... tired too many times.

A mess of living space... my space... which I can hardly recognize under all the things that it's cluttered with. What a reflection of my life the state of my room is.

A mess of my coordination... I just bit my lip two times in two days. I haven't bit my lip previous to that for months. I haven't worked out for a month and a half, so when I try to do the same things I did when I was in shape, I feel like rubber.

A financial mess... I just thought to check the charges on my credit cards a few days ago and saw all sorts of things I needed to cancel or dispute... not to mention the balances which never seem to get any smaller.

A mess of relationships... I've lets things go unsaid and undone far too long in certain relationships, and I'm still struggling to find some balance with the relationships that require more of my attention.

An emotional mess... trying to figure out if what I want is really what I need... feeling like I'm constantly stepping on toes or saying the wrong things. Is it all in my head?

A spiritual mess... I feel like I should be going in a new direction, but my feet hurt and my vision isn't so clear anymore. Lord, I need your guidance.

weathering the storms of my existence
i need to put myself back together

walk on

P-ROC you don't stop...

7:00 - I drag my limp self into the shower, make a quick protein shake, then head over to traffic school. I seriously misjudged my travel time, but ended up arriving right at 8:00. Surprisingly, I actually learned a few interesting things about smog laws, insurance, and the vehicle code in general. I'm just a little more paranoid about being pulled over again. You don't want to get caught without a seatbelt... that's $400 plus. Speeding in a school zone... $800 or something. DUI? Oh man. $10,000 plus after all is said and done (classes, legal fees, etc).

Still, I really wished OC offered the internet class. There were several better things I could have done with my $30 and 7 hours (we made a deal with our instructor to let us out early if we helped him "recover" some funds that disappeared) I spent in an little motel meeting hall. Like the homeless outreach. Or the Days stateline turnaround. I need to avoid them cops.

I headed home then my family and I rolled to LA for my cousin's debut... the same debut my Mom assumed I didn't want to go to because I've been to a debut before. Where's the logic in that? It was a block away from LACC and the College Pizza place we ate at one time after Christmas carolling two or three years ago. It's weird for me to feel nostalgic about places in LA that I only really went to after I got into college, even though I lived in LA until I was 8 and went there to visit my cousins in the same area. I guess my world is just expanding.

The debut itself was cool. I didn't really know anybody except my aunties, uncles, and cousins on my dad's side, who I see on the holidays. My auntie helped cater I think, and the food was the bomb. Lechon X 2. Nuff said. The ceremonial stuff went alright. The MC was loud. And fobby. I wouldn't have cared much, except the sound was turned up way too loud (making my slight headache throb) and he kept repeating the obvious.

Considering my relationship with my cousins is like my relationship with my sisters and brother, I felt a little out of place. Her video montage was pretty tight... just hella long. 30 minutes long. But at the end I felt like breaking out my camera and firing away. If only I had the money, I'd drop maybe 2 grand for a nice digital SLR... in my dreams. They played Isn't She Lovely and My Cherie Amor as part of the soundtrack, so I was digging it. My brother did the rose thing, while my mom gave a "symbolic gift." It's funny how awkward they were in front of everybody. Then my mom tried to do the electric slide. She needs practice. I just kept seeing people bumping into my mom.

Once they dimmed the lights and turned up the music, we figured it was our cue to leave. My parents aren't ones to stick around for the dance. I invited my cousin to come to HSO at UCI. I think it'd be awesome if she came to UCI. Weird, yet awesome. I gotta strengthen the family ties. Who can say for sure though?

Back home to Chino Hills. It's always a struggle trying to leave without getting irritated somehow. There's the talk about school, the seemingly endless amounts of food my mom tries to give me, the stalling... I did my best to only take whatever food I knew I could finish before it spoiled and came back to Irvine. I pass by Mesa Court to see if anyone was at Janice's dorm for her birthday, but I just got to see David and Victor leaving. Back to the apartment.

There's a lot to do tomorrow. Sleep, I miss you.