is this my stop?
reach
just reach now
the end must be near
so i reach into the past
to drag myself out of the ground
but the roots go deep
almost too deep

i'm getting disconnected
no matter how hard i try to stop it
i'm throwing out new lines
reaching out
realizing the ties are only as strong as you make them
and only as loose as you let them

my grasp is loosening
was it ever that strong?
not when i think about it
i know if i keep my footing
i can still move forward

people are falling off the map
so i struggle to expand my world
before things grow old
in nothing except my mind

i'm still struggling
still attention starved
yet i perpetuate my invisibility
waiting at time to disappear
only to appear
a different time

i know these times are different
so i bring my old school anachronism
thinking not just to do something
but to do it right
do something right
what am i supposed to do?

i'm caught between
left and right
the future and the present
the present and the past
sunrise and sunset
between generations, philosophies, and feelings
but i'm only of one mind
and one heart
sometimes stretched far too thin

until something tears
the blood flows
and stains the ground
so i say
i've left my mark
i've left a trail
that i wonder if anyone follows

we all walk wounded at times
wait i delude msyelf
we all want to walk without pain
to separate our troubles from our smiles
but end up waiting before obstacles
while others just walk on

keep moving
i'm not content to stand here
i'm not comfortable being "comfortable"

happiness is is not a destination
it's a state
more of something you live in
than something you find
because it's always been there

there isn't only one way

just one love

It's been real, yo.

Much appreciation. Spread love.

I'm about to take my last undergrad final. It's like the last game of the season. Jason vs. Stats. It's typical finals weather too--cloudy and cool. Just the way I like it. Oh yea, I almost forgot. I have to play my finals anthem.

2Pac - Pain

Here we go...

Living the finals week culture to the fullest. Midnight roundabouts, talking breaks from talking to study, sleeping in the student center, and just random hysteria. Good thing the last final I have to worry about is stats. Oh xanga. Time to refill my drink (damn Cornerstone for running out of raspberry iced tea!) and take a procrastination break.

I just woke up from sleeping in the tv room again. Somebody turned the tv on and nobody was watching. Just great. I'mma go eat or something. Then maybe I'll go home and sleep on the couch a bit. I think I'm starting to hit that finals week delirium. Woohoo! Oh man. Where did everybody go?

turning the pages

Sunday. How did I manage to inadvertently sleep in again? I disappoint myself, but hey, you gotta walk on. I couldn't sleep when we got back from Noreen and Mike's birthday thing for a long time. It was one of those dreaded too hot--but not nights. That's what I get for sleeping in. I went to mass at 6:30 and it seemed pretty empty, especially for a finals week mass, but it filled up gradually. As soon as mass ended though, every split. I watched the Pistons-Lakers game with Jim-Bob before he left, and then Clare, Cristobal, and Lorena dropped by after a while. Meanwhile, the headache that was building up all day that I was ready to sleep off again started to fade, yet slowly.

I chilled at the apartment for a while and didn't really think about studying until about midnight. I was just about to get ready to crash, but I felt like I was missing something. I think I've spent the vast majority of finals week sleeping somewhere on campus, and I didn't want to just sleep the rest of finals week away. I figured I had to wake up early anyway to pick up a cap and gown. I walked into student center about 1:30 am, checking all the rooms to see who I could study with, but I didn't see anybody except Tin and Fred. Where the heck was everybody? I liked how people would camp out (quite literally) in the student center for a few days. It was like a retreat, although an academic retreat. But the best part about it was spending time with people going through the same mess you were. Stay up all night, have two meals before the morning hit, sleep for a few minutes inbetween chapters, go home and shower, and then have lunch. When else but finals week? It could just be the night-owl side speaking, but if everyone had to do it, that was probably the best way. Now everybody's studying at their apartments or dorms... or even studying early. What the heck? If you have enough time not to do some last-minute studying, you're not making the most of your time. I say that half-seriously.

I walked around all the study areas I could find, hoping to find a senior to talk to, just so I wouldn't be the only one looking for a study "break." I eventually broke out my stats book and started reading for an hour or two. Then I talked to Linda for a while on her extended break from her student center duties, then bumped into Tin, and got to talking about all sorts of things. Mainly photography and the Pistons. He kept telling me about how much he does with his photography and I really have the urge to jump back into it, even if just for posterity's sake. I definitely wouldn't mind making something on the side though. That would be great. I'm going to have all sorts of odd jobs and under the table type stuff. It's great. Then that stalker guy that always hangs around the student center invited himself into our conversation for maybe 30 minutes. Weird. Strange vibes going down.

Six o'clock a.m. Time came for a convo break (read "back to studying"), but I had to get some crash time in. I helps that I only have one final this week (on Wednesday). I prefer to have things spread out, and this quarters' finals worked out really well for me. For once. I slept pretty well, considering I slept with my shoes on and on those tiny tv room couches. I woke up a little before 9, then made my way over to the alumni house to get my cap and gown, all the while hoping I didn't get a parking ticket. Luckily for me, I didn't get a ticket, and didn't have to wait too long for my stuff. I came back home to rest, but ended up watching tv until about noon, when I left for a review session for stats. Mel showed up too, and she said it was full. We walked by again and every freakin seat was taken. Hahah. For a six-question final. I never saw half those people in the class, but it was probably because I only went to lecture once. Ooops.

I rolled out to work early so I could take a nap in the car. I didn't wake up on time though, and Scott disappeared, so I checked his house before I went back to the school and he was already skateboarding away. I don't like that feeling, that my kid is missing. Not that it was that big of a deal, because he's almost 10, but still, I don't get paid to lose him. He had lacrosse camp today. I was standing out there looking at all the kids geared up and realized I was the only brown person there. Not that it makes me uncomfortable, but I notice things like that. I actually saw one other guy, one of the coaches, who looked Chinese or something. Still, it made me wonder about how even sports is divided by socioeconomic lines. How many different ethnicities do you see playing lacrosse? I'll go out on a limb and say one. My theory is that lacrosse could be one of those sports of "privilege," where the well-off enjoyed it before it had mass appeal. Sort of like how tennis and golf were before.

Another break and then I headed out to meet my new employers... Dutchess's old ones. On the way, there was a collision right at University and San Joaquin that I heard as I was walking to my car. I wonder hwo many people have actually seen a collision in person. It must be a crazy experience. I got to the house and got through all the introductions and obligatory question and answer things. I don't know exactly what I've gotten myself into, but at least it pays pretty well, and I'm not exactly comfortable right now. It seems easy enough though. Tutoring english for 3 Korean kids. I guess this is where the patience is tested.

In Your hands, my life begins and ends...

it's almost that time
but not quite yet.

Another headache. The same damn headache. Something definitely isn't right. I'm going to get my head checked.