It's interesting how much crap you can dish to your body and it still manages to function. I've been in the student center since 3 am, slept for maybe 3 hours upright in my chair, slept for another 2 1/2 hours lying down on a couple of chairs, and studied inbetween. It's 2:30 now, almost 12 hours later... I haven't disgested anything besides a few Pringles pizza flavored chips since 12:30 last night. Not even water... How do I feel? Pretty decent. Another 17 1/2 hours until my biochem final, and I'll probably spend 16 of those hours in the student center or NACS. I'm in the zone. Time for food.

I strolled through the student center on my way to my car, just to see if anyone I knew was studying. I saw Joe (mah cuzin) and then Reg talking to Nissa (Nissan), who I've seen maybe three times since sophomore year, when she disappeared. I think she's doing alright now, more focused, a little wiser. I saw Matt too, who's been MIA, and I showed him and Reg pictures from the beach, Las Vegas and the potluck last week. Realizing I couldn't study without the book (duh) I drove home then crashed until 7. My roommate Martin helped wake me up by making Malcom (my other roommate's cat) lick my hair. I'm not sure it liked the taste of hair gel, but it wasn't shy about the whole thing. Silly cat. I went to work out later with Martin, and tried to make Reg come along, but she was "too tired." My rock climbing experience really helped, because it felt like I breezed through most of my workout. WE got some boba after that, and told Martin all the little things about driving stick that nobody really tells you while he drove my car. It's weird riding shotgun in your own car, like your not in control or something. We talked a little about how things seem to be coming to a close and how we've spent the last three and a half years. I'd like to think I've grown up (matured at least), but I'm still having my growing pains. I don't see any end to them, and the pain is very tangible, but like the soreness in your titties after a hard workout (u guys feeling me?), it's a worthwhile pain.

Praying for peace...

I made it through... 12:45 and everything feels a little sweeter after my final. Jillyne said she caught me dozing and was gonna throw something at me so I would wake up. I didn't even mean to fall asleep... I probably leaned forward too far and passed out... good thing I was just about done, because I think I was out for about 15 minutes or so. I actually feel like studying a little bit before I sleep, even though I've only gotten 4 hours sleep in the last 48 hours. That happy delirium feeling is starting to set in. Maybe I can keep this up until Thursday. Right now, it feels like it's 4pm, but it's only 1pm and so I'll pretend time shifted back for me 3 hours. Maybe I'll have a couple more funny moments (like below) before the week is done...

It was a small miracle that I was able to stay awake until now. The long nights take their toll though... this is why...

I studied pretty well in Emerald Bay until almost everyone left. Ed persuaded my to go study at the Cross with him. I took the long way there, going around to check the other study rooms for people still hanging around at 4:30 am. I saw Ed again by the info desk... talking... and talking... another little study break. We eventually made it to the Cross, which actually is a pretty nice and quiet place to study. By that time, I had given up on trying to do all the reading and instead wrote down as many formulas and concepts on my cheat sheet as I could. I spent maybe two hours by myself on one of the computers reading online notes and watching the sun make its way into the sky. At 7:30, I decided it would be better to walk near to BSLH, even if I didn't get something to eat before my final so I wouldn't have to rush over there and be sweaty and uncomfortable taking my final. Having my cd player with me, I think the walk up to the science library calmed me down a lot and if not for it being finals week, I wouldn't mind so much waking up before dawn to see it all again. Right before the morning heat, with the sun just peeking through the tree branches, and almost nobody in sight. God, it was nice. I finished my cheat sheet in the science library study room, then made my way to BSLH bumping Pain by 2Pac in my headphones, which is my finals anthem ever since freshman year. I think I play it as I leave the house for every final. I strolled into the lecture hall and I saw one of the people from my discussion, but didn't recognize anybody else. Maybe they ditched all the lectures, like me. I forgot my seat assignment, so I went down to the front of the lecture hall, still wearing my headphone and staying surprisingly relaxed. The dude in front didn't look familiar either, but he could have been a TA or something. Those professors usually show up a late for final exams if they're not early anyway. After staring for a few seconds at the sheet and letting my tired eyes adjust, I didn't see my student ID. I checked the heading, and it said "BIO 75." Silly me, that was probably a seating chart from monday. I laughed to myself at all the people walking down behind me to check the same wrong seating chart. I walked over to the desk where two more seating charts were posted. Both BIO 75... I was there to take my physics final... unless... I was supposed to be taking my biochemistry final?!?!?!? I kinda stumbled dumbfoundedly up the stairs, out of the lecture hall, cursing in my head that I didn't study for my biochem final which was today and instead studied for physics, which I figured was today, but really is on thursday. I went to Steinhaus Hall to use to computer lab. CLOSED. Damn them for not being open at 7:58 am. Nearest place to check the final schedule again? Student center....
Oh... 11:00 Tues-Thurs classes have the final at 10:30... hehe. Silly me.

The moral of the story? If you end up going to the wrong final... or the right final at the wrong time... or the wrong final at the right time... play it off like I did, in true senior(itis) fashion. Go seniors!!

At least I have more than 2 hours to relax and eat, right? Thank God for that! Gotta take it easy... (Mad Lion)

I'm talking an extended study break and I took a computer in CSL, only to see some file saved on the documents menu. I opened it and found this:

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Every so often, the silence speaks volumes. You hear that voice that can't be heard... like He's talking to you but can't make out the words.

May God keep His children in His infinite love.

I'm not too happy about myself right now, less than an hour after my stats final ripped me a new one. I knew what everything was on the test, but I absolutely shut down and nothing came out. What the hell happened to me? It used to kill me when I didn't get the best grade in class, because I knew that I had it in me. Sure, that was in elementary school, but I still hated that feeling all through high school. I come to college and suddenly I can't do my homework on time to save my life. I might as well have walked out after bubbling in the few answers I knew. I felt like such a fool, cursing myself for waiting until three days before the final to even open the textbook.

I think I've come to a point where I can't stand to accept the weak and even non-existent effort on my part to what I want to do... if I didn't want to be here, I'd be gone by now. I'm a man on a mission now. My eyes burn from sleepless nights and my body is starting to tell me that it's not happy, but for the next few days, I will not go quietly. I'm not about to go on AP. I'm not about to settle for just getting by. I will not quit.

Other than that, it's a beautiful day right now. Time for some rest.

I took a little break earlier to splash water in my face and walking back, I saw Cristina. She was giving a wake up call to Arlene. I was speaking to her and thinking that she sounded pretty damn sleepy, until I remembered that it was 4 am... Cristina-mabobber and I then tried to rip out one of those maroon marble tiles from the floor of the engineering gateway, but failed by all counts. We tried two different loose tiles; one was next to one of the doors to a computer lab. One guy walked out the door while we were crouching there and he literally jumped back a foot... after the initial shock, we pretended like we were supposed to be there... haha, it was just like being a kid again. We both cracked up as he walked away with a strange look on his face.

We got back to the computer lab and just a few minutes later, everyone decides to leave. I'm kinda sad because I thought at least one person would be staying up with me, but oh well. Walking out of NACS to the parking lot, there was this tangible stillness in the air and it really felt like I was the only soul awake in the world, walking in the moonlight and shine from far away yellow lights. I felt alone again, but not in a bad way. Alone with the world, but knowing exactly where I was. My mind felt like it stretched out in the cold air until it went farther than I could see. My world merged with my soul for a second, and things didn't seem as bad anymore. Getting to my car, I saw the note Cris and Fran left on my windshield. I don't get stuff like that very often. It was very much appreciated.

I hope I can make it to 12:30 without going crazy... time to put in work.

Sudden realization: for the normally chill exterior I have, it can get pretty crazy on the inside... it could be that with the stress of finals and all that's going on (and not going on) there's been too little time to let it all balance out and my mind's been going out of whack trying to get back to where I need to be, where I can function. Like my theory about my personal momentum, I'm getting moved in all different directions and I'm not enjoying all of it. I need to find my bearings, my reality is still changing.

Damn it... now for my third attempt:

I went to grab some food with my roommate Debbie around 5, then left to help out with the 6:30 mass. It was nice to see some random people that haven't been around in a while. While I was singing, it felt like there was something coming up in my chest, like a cough, but it just stuck in my throat. I made an annoncement for the upcoming LOG spirit rally, and for some reason I was nervous. My heart was beating like I was gonna have a rib broken from the inside. Good thing I didn't stutter...

After mass there was good amount of people just talking and chilling, but I felt strangely social/anti-social, not wanting to feel left out, but deciding anyway just to sit off by myself. Something was telling me to leave, get away, get back to myself, like a current taking my boat out to sea.

Now here I am. What am I supposed to do? Start paddling, I assume...

After my short break last night, Reg and I walked back to Emerald Bay only to find everybody was gone... everyone we knew at least. Not feeling like going home because I was scared of sleeping in too late, I asked Reg if could sleep over. Feeling like being crazy, I peeled out of the parking lot (it was raining so the roads were nice, shiny black, and slippery). I probably raced Reg at every stop, letting the wheels spin a little bit and the back slide out. She drove pretty crazy too, going maybe 70 down Harvard, when I was only going 60 on the freeway and worrying about hydroplaning... Reg has always been a crazy driver though. She has some stories. On the turn onto San Leon, I downshifted to second, yanked the wheel right and put my foot to floor. I slid a couple of feet and the back wheels broke a little loose, then the spinning wheels grabbed and pulled me forward again. Damn, that was fun. If only gas wasn't so expensive and it rained more often...

I was planning on studying a little bit before crashing, but Dee's brother was sleeping in the living room. Giving up, Reg let me have her bed and she took her roommate's bed. It's pretty strange sleeping in someone else's bed. Not feeling to tired we decided to play a little honesty hour, letting the sleeplessness and randomness of finals week make the thoughts flow. It was my first time doing that, speaking until you can't speak anymore... you say things that usually don't come out because you don't know exactly how you want to say them. We got to reminiscing about how great it is to feel attracted to someone, even if you don't expect anything to happen. I remember one girl from high school that I had so much fun chilling and laughing with... how she'd reciprocate when I'd flirt with her. It was always playful, nothing serious--I really enjoyed myself around her. There was something about her that brought out the playful, light-hearted side in me. I don't think many people have seen that side of me, since I can't even remember being like that with anyone recently... or maybe nobody comes to mind. I've always believed that you should never try to forget the good times you have with someone even if things don't work out or things go sour. To deny the joy that you once felt is a disservice to your soul. I don't think anything is going to happen with the girls I was talking about last night, but it's great to look back at people you used to like and see something beautiful about them, even after you move on. Just thinking about all that made me remember how silly sweet life can be... I think I was laying there with a stupid smile on my face. Good thing it was lights out.

We crashed around 7 and rose around noon, had a little to eat, then I left to take a shower at home. The drive home was incredible... beautiful weather, especially after the downpour yesterday. Funny that I really love the rain too though. I cruised home, sunroof open, windows down, and the stereo crankin. Thank God for mornings like that. My roommate complained about how I left my alarm on and I wasn't there (again). I felt bad, because I planned to wake up at 10 to come back and turn it off. My bad... I showered, then watched last part of the Kings-Mavericks game. It was really exciting, everyone was stepping up and making huge plays, but the very end was a little disappointing. Oh well... it was one of those games that you tell your friends about and say "you shoulda been there." Or in this case, "you shoulda watched it."

I'm in a surprisingly great mood right now considering it is finals week and I had less than 6 hours sleep. I even forgot to eat dinner last night. Hopefully that mood continues deep into the night... until Thursday, when I'll be done.... Good luck, my peeps.

A real quick break from studying... I told Reg it would only be five minutes of blogging. Ahh boo. Well, after I woke up today after noon (I set my alarm for 10) I lagged and talked online managing not to update my blog. I went to a top-secret location... where it is doesn't matter really. Making my way down the freeways, I saw how crazy people drive and passing by some bad accidents I wondered what the hell they were racing toward. I was thinking the people involved in those collisions were driving all crazy, but then I realized that someone else might have just as easily hit them... man, that's a scary thought. There was actually a collision on Campus Drive tonight, with ambulances and police cars everywhere... I checked it out from the parking structure and it didn't look too bad. I hope those people are alright. I got back home around 6, but got annoyed with the noise from the television and my roommates, so I left for campus around 8:30. It's fun studying with the right people... and productive studying with the wrong people. Or vice versa. I guess you can have fun studying sometimes. I guess I should do it more often, but only as long as other people are doing the same. Some interesting conversations start up when your brain fills up with information you don't understand. Back to studying now... my five minutes are up.