Crawling through the mud. How great it is to be able to stand up and walk. Even if you're still walking in the mud. It's got to start somewhere. Rise up.

I'm not sure
or am I denying
my hands
my words
my thoughts
all my weapons
my tools
don't seem to be working
as well as they used to
things are changing
things are different
this isn't my way
this wasn't my choice
but this is my life
defying conventionality
shunning normality
avoiding the "everyday"
never quite finding a place
to rest
a direction I don't control
as much as I would like
my feet
they've taken me places
some where I could not stand
others where I could not see
now where I cannot breathe
it's choking me
but I don't protest
because it's the truth
and the only thing I can accept
it's the definition
of my experience
what drives my mind
my soul
left to decide
to struggle with it
or run away
here I am
Lord give me strength
I can't do this alone

This is one of those moments. Undeniably. One of those times where you have to relearn how to walk again, because the ground beneath you isn't quite flat. Or level. Things seemed so much simpler back before this, but now I've been forced to open my eyes. Failure, rejection, disappointment... humility... There are two options: to complain or to grow. Of course, growing does not come without pain. Or sacrifice. Great things don't come without great risk. I could pick myself up, bruised and tired, and appreciate my new perspective. Strength is a funny thing... bones are strong when they can bend without breaking... yet your heart is strong when it can break yet still beat. This is one of those moments. Those heart-breaking moments. You can push against the world only so long before you find the world hasn't moved, but if that's all you know, you push. And you walk a little more carefully, testing your limits and stretching your resolve. Fall down, and scrape yourself off the ground once again, a little more focused, a little more conscious. Maybe one day I'll be able to keep my eyes open. The light can't lead you if your eyes are closed.

Just when I was getting back to some kind of normalcy, life throws me a holiday. I have I feeling I'll be very tired tomorrow. Despite waking up past noon, I worked up forever, caught up with some friends, finally fixed my loose handlebar on my bike, made it to Liwanag and actually stayed to the end (which I haven't done since first week I think), and rolled over to TGIF to celebrate Toni Montana's birthday. Now it's past 2 and I'm not quite sure I'll be able to wake up on time tomorrow. Here goes nothing...

Oh Lord, I am humbled. Have I been wandering that long? I don't know if I'll ever come close to understanding the why's, but I'm willing to follow... more than ever. You've opened my eyes. Thank You.

It's 4:57. I'm so tired. Almost too tired to get away from the computer and walk down the hallway to go to sleep. Alas, the dilemmas of being at home.

There's a song that's being played out in my head... but I don't know the words. Yet.