What else can I say? As Lent winds down and Easter approaches, I find myself being more and more comtemplative about everything. About my sacrifice, how I've failed, how I've acted, and how I've changed, at least in the past few weeks. At mass on Sunday, reading the part of the "voice," I found myself questioning. Not my faith, but who I would be in the story. It's both a good and bad thing, but this faith of mine seems to become more real during Holy Week.

Yesterday I went snowboarding with Robert and Leo. I was a little anxious, because last time I went, I got pretty messed up. Too many falls on my ass. It felt like I was fighting my better instinct to give up. My last run was the coup de grace... I hobbled off the slopes, dejected and hardly able to walk. Damn snowboard boots didn't make it any easier. I don't bruise easily at all, but about a week later I developed a major nasty bruise on my right butt cheek. It looked more like a scab--black and purple--than a bruise. It stayed the same darkness for a whole week before it started to fade. I guess I had internal bleeding or something.

This time was different. I'm going back for more.

unabridged

i'm losing my edge
it's time to step out
or step up
or simply step forward
i'm hardcore
but i'm weak
i'm human
there's no escaping this
not to be a victim
but to embrace the struggle
for identity
for humility
i wish people looked deeper
i'm not just skin deep
i
go
deep
the layers are defined
if only by their opacity
i was never one to be transparent
but sometimes i'm still invisible
it's frustrating
yet at times liberating
to be freed from the vestiges of expectation
i don't have a chip on my shoulder
instead, i have the world
maybe i should be thankful
for some burdens are worth carrying
i need to be reminded of that worth
i don't dream as much as i used to
that's what age does to a soul
can you take it all away
i want to live a simple life
of fewer things
but quality experience
quality
standards
i wonder if i've set mine impossibly high
except for the fact that they've kept me out of trouble
i'm willing to take that leap
i'm tired of standing on the edge
knowing there's no nothing worse to me than waste
wasted food
wasted time
wasted experience
still, it's lonely on this side
being a minority
truly a minority
do i understand
what it means to be set apart?
i have a lot of work to do
i'm trying to control the little things
and have faith as far as the big things go
this is my dark side
i don't see dark as bad
everything needs contrast
i need contrast
it's hard to speak
when you're a listener
but i have so much to say the words rot in my brain
things sound eloquent in my head
but i never translate them as well as i would like
what language do people think in?
there are times i don't understand myself
understanding is a double-edged sword
it's humbling
then again, so is faith
acceptance without understanding
it's not something to have
but something to develop
if i were to say what stage of development i was at
when i was young
i would have said i was over-mature for my age
but now i don't know
to thine own self be true
does that necessitate knowing one's self?
there's a lot at stake in this
once distinct realities are pushed together
there's not enough time to make sense of it all
we must all walk through it
unless we get stuck in it
like tar
we'll become fossils before we figure out what's happened to us
but there's a reason for this
this is where my faith comes in
to calm this choas
to give me peace
even as the world is in flames
someone has to be vigilant
i've kept my glasses on
there's a balance to be kept though
and i've neglected to take care of other things
not to mention things beyond myself
i tread softly
trying to make a statement without making a noise
what are the possibilities
doubt is crippling
let it die
so that something else can live
i need to keep growing
because i'm dying inside
all that i got is you
where would i be without you
i'm living two lives right now
only because they are so separated
but each pulls at me with such gravity
it tears me apart
but it's forced me to rearrange my priorities
time wasted is only wasted if it is seen that way
i have to be careful with what eyes i see my time with
lest i forget it's all a gift
it's better to be hungry than content
because content breeds inaction
if you don't act, then what are you doing?
a little hunger is better than a little comfort
once you lose that hunger...
motivation can be hard to come by