The calm before the storm. That's where I am right now. It's all around me... just around me...

Two trips to Newport Beach in a week. The waves were pretty nice this time though, and even though we were out there for three hours, it seemed like an hour and a half. Afterwards, we hit up L&L. I haven't been there in a year. Almost a year exactly in fact. It was like a trip back through time. Then we I got a ride back to my car in Irvine, I saw Mark's car, which had the Honda emblem stolen, and I thought, "Damn, that sucks." Little did I know some jerk stole my damn emblem too! Bastards!! Oh damn, what a whack thing to do. Whatever. I took a long shower and just wanted to crash, but I started going through some boxes and found some old pictures. More walking back through time. It was kind of crazy seeing how much you don't remember. It's good to go back through everything though.

And we're bringing it back...

Good Morning America. At 12:30. Damn.

Oh man. I'm up, it's way past midnight, and I'm cleaning my room. Ferris Bueller's Day Off came on the TV and it reminded me of all the things I haven't see/done/experienced yet for whatever reason, but mostly because of being on lockdown for 18 years. Not that I'm making a list, because I'm not just crossing things off...

I'm living. I hope.

I hate being lazy.

It was a day of moments, revelations, and things I wish I could describe as well I as see them in my mind. The realization that love isn't a risk; love embraces joy, pain, happiness, and sorrow in the same breath. Most of the time, we're never quite ready to accept that. One of the biggest human flaws is not being able to let go... of anything. Then right before I left for work the apartment filled up with people and I felt blessed to have have these people in my life. Work isn't so much work if it's something you'd do anyway. Working with kids has awakened some paternal spirit in me. It puts life in perspective when the world gives us worries like credit card debt and car repairs, you make a connection with a child and you forget all the "real world" pushes on me just long enough to appreciate the beauty of life. Angie told me how surprised Scott was when she gave him the round of golf we split for his birthday. I actually made most of the Liwanag meeting this week, after weeks and months of being more MIA than I could remember. Hold'em in Interfaith and late night boba runs to close out the night, and now I feel an incredible sense of peace in the stillness that 3 am brings. God bless these wonderful souls.

I need a breakout moment...

Tired and hungry. Too hungry to sleep and too tired to eat. I don't know why I struggle so much with my motivation. When I'm on, I'm on, but when I'm off, forget about it. Last summer was just the same. That ridiculous, jobless, sleep in every damn day grind that sucked all the energy out of me. Even now that I'm working, when I have some time off I almost don't know what to do with myself sometimes. Part of this stems from my current aversion to spending. I'm keeping cashflow in the positive direction as much as possible. All this thinking about money really plays with your head though. I hate thinking about money. It's one of those necessary evils... but then again, I don't really believe it's that necessary to begin with. We're all just taught there's no other way. Debt doesn't just disappear though. It looms over you like black smoke ready to cover up the sky at the first sign of weakness. I don't need this, but I'm going to deal with it. I need to pour myself into the other priorities in my life, for fulfillment doesn't always come with a set price, but it carries unspeakable value.

Monday. Why does everything have to start over again on Monday? It's as if you have to drop everything and get back into your routine before you screw yourself over for the rest of the week. I just slept in until 12:30. And so begins the long road to trying to make up for lost discipline. No more late night movies for me anytime soon.

Looking into depths of something bigger than all of us, I was brought back to something I've held onto for so long, but only saw right in front of my eyes. And so I was blessed with an awesome experience. All this reminds me of what I see in this family I've found here, that family is not just about the good times, but also about the struggles and trials, for in the darkness comes change and resolution, while the memory of the happier times brings hope for the future. I haven't always been able to trust in the future, but today I was reassured without even saying or hearing a word. For a person used to seeing things from the outside and not being seen, I had a moment of understanding of what means the world to me.

Driving back from the retreat was fun. The drive there was a little tiring considering the 3 hours sleep I got and the sun which was glaring in our eyes in the car. I love driving at night though. Moonroof open, open roads, good music, 5 speeds, and people along for the ride. There was a huge bright full moon painting the road a deep blue and 30 miles of curves. I wished I could have stayed the whole night, but I think I gave what I needed to give and took from it what I've needed for a long time. God bless those crazy Loggers. But forget about mafia. What's the freakin point if nobody listens to you? I was really pushing it down the mountain, making the tires squeal more than a few times. I think my brakes need replacement soon, because I could feel some wobbling in the steering wheel when I was braking hard, so I let up a little bit on the second half down the mountain. We cruised at 85 mph till the 57, where Mel and I guessed what time we get back to the apartment. I guessed 12:22 and he guessed 12:46. I underestimated the distance a little bit because I thought we were around Fullerton, but it was still about 5 minutes away. The carpool lane was hauling though, so we exited the 405 around 12:21. Then we caught a red light so I went around the back way and was just about to stop the engine at 12:23, and then the clock turned

::12:24::

right before I turned the key. Doh!! A freakin tie! Who woulda thunk?