Breaking with tradition.

For the first time in many years, my family decided not to go to the midnight Christmas mass. I was the only one who wanted to go at midnight as opposed to in the morning. When it hit about 10:30, I finally caved knowing they weren't going to change their minds. It's more important that I be there with my family though. I wasn't about to go to mass without them. Not to say I'm not disappointed though. There's something about midnight mass at Christmas that isn't quite the same when you wait until the morning (besides no arroz caldo when you get back from mass). Part of that's me, the quintessential night person, talking. I guess it's fitting this year, being an unusual Christmas season.

Time to remember the reason...

...

This

is

it?

I don't the mind to sit and think about this.

I need some focus.

I took a 6 hour nap today. Woke up (if you can call it that) around 8 am, ate breakfast, had some hot chocolate, then went back to bed and went in and out of sleep before finally getting out of bed again at 2:30 pm. And still, I don't feel like I missed much. That's what it's like being home.

If I keep writing, these words will eventually burn down and glaze over... The longer they burn the more they are transformed. Now the letters are indistinguishable from one another and they all come together. After a while, all you can see is a reflection.

I've "seen" a lot of reflections tonight, and what I've seen is starting to get to me. Certain images burn into your memory long after you look away or close your eyes, and these images have been painting my dreams, my perspectives.

This is my reality.

On the subway tip. I'm feeling a little subversive at the moment. I think I get this way after being alone in my thoughts for a while and my mind starts working in overdrive. It's only 3:22 am. Why do I make it hard for myself to wake up in the morning?

I'm a walking contradiction. The most ironic thing about it is that I'm not just walking. That is the nature of human nature. Understanding is never quite what we make it out to be. Why are we struggling to balance ourselves when we would love to have things tip in our favor not as an exception but as the rule?

Happiness is not in the picture, it's in the frame.

I'm trying. Bear with me as I wrestle with this.

Amen.

I just realized that 2004 is coming to an end. It's good not to think of time in strictly calendar terms, but each time I have to get used to writing a new digit or two for everything starting every January, I really can't ignore looking back. And forwar as well. Tonight was great. It seemed like 3 different generation of friends coming together. Some of the oldies, the "new" oldies, and some of the not-so-young'n's. After plenty of grease, carbs, red meat, and conversation, we capped off the night with some parking lot football. Thankfully, we didn't break anything, but there were a few close calls... the front window of Claim Jumper's, the mercedes, and we almost lost the football in the bushes a few times. All that running around in the chilly air gives me motivation to keep with the workout thing. It felt good, running around hoping the police wouldn't break our game up. It's been a long time. Maybe we'll do this all again tomorrow.

I'm getting back on track. 9 am today, 7:30 am yesterday, 10 am on Saturday. I can do this.