Now on repeat: Ja'a - For the Thought of You

...and everyday I say a prayer for the love of you
I'll be sure to keep the fire burning bright
but since you had to leave
baby please believe
there will always be a song
for the thought of you

I think this will be joining my favorite songs soon.

My body's hating me right now... here's why:

A breakdown of my sleep schedule for the past week.

Saturday: wake up at 1:30... sleep around 5 (awake for 15 1/2 hours)
Sunday: wake up at 3:30... sleep around 6 (sleep for 10 1/2 hours, awake for 14 1/2 hours)
Monday: wake up at 12:30... sleep around 3 (sleep for 6 1/2 hours, awake for 14 1/2 hours)
Tuesday: wake up at 8... sleep around 2:30 (sleep for 5 hours, awake for 18 1/2 hours)
Wednesday: wake up at 9:30... sleep at 2 (sleep for 7 hours, awake for 16 1/2 hours)
Thursday: wake up at 10... sleep at 1:30 (sleep for 8 hours, awake for 15 1/2 hours)
Friday: wake up at 6 (sleep for 4 1/2 hours... though only had about 3 hours of solid sleep, awake for 17 hours currently)

To make things worse, I haven't been able to fall asleep very easily as of late. Last night I kept having short little dreams that would end aburptly and wake me up constantly for almost 2 hours. Three nights out of the week I woke up hours before my alarm and couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. I can't understand why, because I have the longstanding reputation of being the deepest sleeper, and that I could sleep anywhere or anytime. Now I'm struggling to keep my eyes open at 5 pm. What's wrong with me?

It's 11pm... and in 10 minutes I'll be cold knocked out. I don't wanna move till at least 8am.

This is definitely one of those transition phases in life. Things aren't quite the same, and I've noticed in more than a few areas. From the conversations I have to the relationships I struggle with to the new problems that creep into my consciousness. Though things are are not difficult, they're not simple either. It's good that I have plenty of time to think and reflect about it during this break from the school thing.

So I walk.

I remember when I was young, I always had some kind of healing cut or bruise or scrape. As the years passed, there were several months or even years where I never had so much as a scrape. Now that I'm in college, I once again have the small scabs and scars that I always had as a young child. That first injury, that first pain that I had to deal with after not having any for so long... that was a thorn in my side. But now I realize that too often I've held back for fear of getting hurt that my caution turned to blindness and my injuries were my education. And so as the flesh is broken and healed, so are my muscles when I ask more of them than they are accustomed to, but they become stronger.... so are my bones... and so is my heart. Sometimes, is it the best way to grow.

When you stop growing, you only start dying.

Those kids, opening up, In-and-Out, waking up too early, Tenko's, old friends, stickball, doughnuts in the parking lot, screw in my tire, Tapioca Express, more talks, more old friends, Lord of the Rings, and now...

sleep.

I don't know how it all comes together. But that's life.

I'm not eating well these days. I get so lazy sometimes. Sunday I was so hungry after church, so I tagged along to Toni Montana's pad in Newport North. Dante and I tried to scare the bejezzers out of Tone Toni Tony, but it turns out she doesn't check when someone bangs on the door. We got some pizza, drank some apple cider, and watched punk'd, wildboys, and Friday. Oh, it was great. We laughed till we were all sore.

The whole Saddam capture is a bunch of bullsh*t. It's not him that was the aggressor. The US put him in power. The US supplied arms to him. The US left him in power after the first war. The US then proceeded to bomb the hell into Iraq. That's something you don't hear about in the news. There have been several hundred thousand "strategic" bombings on Iraq. Against civilian homes... factories... farms... people. Poor souls, only poorer because they were born over fields of black gold. Then came the sanctions. Half a million Iraqi children have died. And we wonder why the US is hated so bitterly across the globe. Now that Saddam is in captivity, will it end? Probably not. Bush now has something to point to when we accuse him of conjuring up an unjustified, uncivil, evil war. I sure if he dumped billions of dollars into the war effort, we could catch a basically powerless Saddam Hussein. But what about the kids would won't be able to afford to go to college anymore after the incredibly deep cuts to the education budget in states like California, which has one of the best publicly funded higher education systems in the US... why cut financial aid for thousands when you can stop the manufacture of a few missles? Why ignore the threat of North Korea's nuclear program (which is in full swing) and go after a nation whose children are perishing and it's "weapons of mass destruction" are nowhere to be found? Now Bush is funding the rebuilding of Iraq, except that he's refusing to grant contracts to companies from nations that did not support the war. As if the international community wasn't already split, mostly against supporting the US. The US tried to fund a $5 million contract to rebuild one Iraqi factory, but had problems in the negotiation. One Iraqi contractor rebuilt it for only $300,000. There is a strench of something very wrong with our administration. People are still calling for the execution of Saddam. A leader less tyrannical as the ones still in power in countries around the world. Except those countries don't control oil. Bush, the killer of 152 as the ex-governor of Texas, is the strongest voice in favor of death for Saddam. The United Nations does not support the death penalty. The whole of the European Union has abolished the death penalty. Why should be the executive of the US be the murderer of the western world?

I wonder if these people believe that if we kill Saddam, he will bleed oil. I really wonder. God help us.

Grinding away... I get so determined sometimes. So no matter how many times I curse and lose and fail, I get up and try again. This definitely isn't the easy way to learn. Do it right the first time. Yea right. That's not an option all the time. I thought I used to be a fast learner, but I think I was wrong. It's like carving a marble out of a boulder, never quite getting it right until the end. And right now, there's no end in sight.