I didn't do anything yesterday. I missed class, stayed home all day, and didn't even study. What was I thinking? My day went like:
- wake up
- snooze
- snooze more
- read blogs
- look for food (but I was too lazy to make anything)
- look for food again, a while later
- watch some bball games
- read blogs
- clean the kitchen
- eat
- play gran turismo

I hate when I don't leave the house for a whole day. There's so much going on outside of this box... which makes me really appreciate my $80 rent, because hate paying for what I don't use very much... my house. So much of what I do takes place away from home. I don't ever want to be a homebody... it's too easy to get trapped and suddenly your world shrinks down into work and home. It's not easy to live the life He wants from you if you're home all day. Why did I miss all my classes today then? I don't know. I have to stop sleeping so late when I'm not studying.

I awoke Tuesday morning to some of my roommates talking about the groceries, and how I haven't been to Albertsons yet (we have a grocery shopping rotation, and I went to Costco already, but not Albertsons yet). One complained that the whole grocery shopping deal was shot and it wasn't going to work anymore, and that nobody ever follows the shopping list. Funny, there wasn't a shopping list made when I went, even though I heard they were complaining about the lack of food. And all this negativity... no faith in one of the few things we've managed to work out for the past three years. It's aggravating, and I wanted to just get out of bed and tell them just to stop avoiding me and tell me what's up, but I just lay in bed until they left. Hmm... I don't know if this non-confrontational approach is working.

After class I got to use the free Subway sandwich punch card Maricris gave me. Thanks MC! I fell asleep in math discussion and left physics discussion early because there was no material to cover, so I went home itching to clean my room or something. What did I do? Read blogs... Some of my other roommates and I went later to grab some Lee's Sandwiches and then check out another apartment in Costa Mesa. I'm sort of dreading moving again, because of all the great things about this house, but maybe I need a new start.

Back to school for PUSO elections... I made my speech for treasurer, but Carl said he ran his own business before and used to be a bank teller... damn. I can't compete with that. I think I'd be better off in a different position anyway, like public relations or historian or something. I'd like to have more responsibility though, being a 5th year and all next year. I think Carl definitely deserved the treasurer spot. In Liwanag, we continued our bible study thing, talking about spiritual gifts. I had to leave early for our IM volleyball game, even though I felt really torn and wanted to stay for the affirmations. I saw my roommate leaving the ARC after his IM soccer game, and I convinced him to play with us. We played the Tau Theta Pi's and Zeta Phi Rho's... I knew one of the Taus from senior suite so I was really hyped to beat them. First game though, I kept on screwing up easy digs and spikes and we lost. I think I should have warmed up more. I sat out the second game so my roommate (Martin) and Gerald could play. When Martin served, somehow he rattled off 7 straight points or something like that and made some clutch plays. We won that second game, even though the other team started to creep back into it. Third game... man it felt close, because I was really going for ever shot and hitting the floor left and right, diving and digging, but they won 15-4. Boooooooo. I think we can beat Kaba though next week... we'll be more prepared.

I gave Melissa I ride so I was going to give her a ride back to Interfaith. I saw GP and Mel on the way to my car and they invited me to play racquetball with them. I dropped Melissa off and went up to say hi, and it turns out they were still doing affirmations, maybe two hours later. I felt compelled to stay. I wished I was there the whole time. I had my share of things to say. When people speak about the best of you, it's almost as if all the insecurities and frustrations you have about the decisions you make and the times you feel like nothing you do matters... your heart really opens up and the walls you put up melt away, if only for a moment. I was fighting it a little bit, trying not to get emotional or anything... if only they knew...

Back to racquetball after the meeting... I only had about 30 minutes to play, but I really felt good and I made some nice points. I wish I could play more often. After the ARC closed, I called Fran to drop off the pictures from spirit rally, and she said everyone was playing hide and seek in Aldrich Park. GP, Mel, and I walked though the park for 15 minutes looking for them, but no Loggers anywhere. We went back to Interfaith, only to find them chilling. They changed their minds. We sat and talked about poops stories and fart incidents and such... Monday night I used the bathroom at a movie theater. While I was peeing, I heard a sound above my head. It was the automatic air freshener. I looked up, because I was curious... and the stuff gets right in my eye. While I'm still peeing. Arghhhh! Normally stuff hits my glasses instead of my eye, but this stuff was sneaky. Luckily, it only stung for a minute. A couple more stories and I went home. Some of the others went to the doll house, but I needed sleep. Good night.

ride... ride this wave of mine...

res - tsunami

Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing.
As we danced in the night,
Remember how the stars stole the night away
- Earth, Wind & Fire

That euphoric feeling still lingers in my head, more than 2 days after everything is finished. I didn't do much today cuz I slept so late (6) and woke up so late (1), so I went to school but didn't go to class because I was going to be 25 minutes late, so I ate lunch and returned the shirt my friend got me for senior suite. I wanted to wear it to class, but I wasn't feeling so random when I got to campus. Maybe the professor would have stopped lecturing for a while... that shirt could have stopped traffic. I grabbed a free ticket to the Jurassic 5 concert and then went home, expecting to work out, but played more Gran Turismo instead. Then I ate out and watched X2 with my roommates and a friend. I wasn't really in the mood, especially since I didn't thing the first one was that great, but despite the fact my eyes wanted to shut down and my bladder was full a few minutes into the movie, I really liked it. Though I was a little lost in the beginning, the plot is pretty complex, the acting a lot better, and the dialogue much more intelligent. There were a couple of lines that actually stuck out and brought it all together. The action was tight, of course. I was going to work out after the movie, but it ended late. I hate when you build up that anticipation and you just get stalled. My roommates talked about places to live for next year with me, and I wasn't really into it, but I have a good feeling about our future living situation.

Now I'm feeling this lull, delirious exhaustion. I think I just may be drained from the last week. PCN was probably the last "big" thing to happen this year, so it's like everything is coming to a point now. In a month and a half things will be changing so much... moving... graduation... work... I'm scared it might build up into separation anxiety and I'll be whacko for a while. I guess that means more action, less filler. But then again, that's what life should be all the time. Nobody deserves filler from anyone else. It's all about what's real. Real emotions, real experiences, real trials, real acheivements...

Take the time to be a little more real.

More than you'll ever know.

I wish I could let someone experience this feeling inside me right now. It's a rough mix of elation, nostaliga, diappointment, heart-break, revelation, anxiety, vulnerability, and peace. Overall, I'd say it's a nice feeling, made only more tangible with the constrasting experiences. I can't believe than PCN spurred most of these feelings, especially since I was only in it for about a month. I'm reminded of what I wrote in an earlier post:

just trying not to overanalyze
or plant thoughts
in my head
over what's less in my control
than i choose to accept

It looks like life followed that exactly to a "T." PCN came and went. I came late because I could hardly wake up and it was raining, so I got to our venue around 11:30, but left with Roma, NG, and Melissa to grab some food. We ate and then things started rolling... costumes, makeup, dance steps, formations, pictures, the sounds... I wish I could say that it built up into a huge climax, but then again, I was only in senior suite. After our final run through I started to get excited, but we weren't going to be on stage for another three hours, so I spent it trying to text everyone to make it out to PCN and seeing if I could scrounge up unsold tickets for friends. Luckily, everyone who drove out (that I know) had a good seat. Some suites had presents for everyone or t-shirts... it would've been tight for the seniors to have some kind of memento. Slowly, suites finished their routines while I only got more anxious waiting, taking random pictures and laying down admit the chaos. When we finally started going over steps outside, I was still trying to get someone to do my makeup. Always the procrastinator I am. More waiting... at least I was in costume ready to go... no more preparations. Some of the seniors bought everyone a little drink to have right before our dance. I didn't drink, but it would have been fun to toast something... it's hard to bond with people if you're the odd one out, especially if they're drinking. That's been my longtime problem. Still, I made some friends and had sooo much fun. There was just energy... you could feel it on stage and all those worries about your steps and formations aren't there... only smiles... and laughing... and the random improvisations when you screw up... I wish I could have been sitting in the front watching all of it happen (with myself still in it, like being in two places at the same time or something). After the curtain closed we were extra loud, but then again, we're seniors. A lot of people were saying it was by far the best senior suite ever. Mad props to Mark and Kristina (our coords) and everyone in senior suite.

Being on the stage for curtain call was when everything seemed worth it... to see so many people... all that sweat.. i mean enthusiasm... I remember seeing a picture last year of everyone in the Koll room getting costume or doing makeup and other preparations and whatnot and thinking, that would be fun to be a part of. Not so much for what I get out of it, but just to know that you were a part of it. There's something about things like PCN and spirit rallies that when everything comes together it's like watching your baby grow up. You see it through the stress and the boredom and the anger, remember all the good times, and right when it happens... WOW...

WOW.

Hope you didn't blink. That about sums it up. Maybe it was because I'm a senior and everything is starting to take on huge sentimental value, but I didn't think I'd love doing PCN so much. Of course, it helped that senior suite was so chill and there was less pressure to get everything perfect... everyone (I think) wanted to have fun with it. I've been reading other blogs of it being someone's last PCN and I so glad I'm taking another year. I'd be so sad if I was only in it once and just didn't get into it my first three years. The people had a big part of my experience though, so I know it's not going to be the same as this year. Every time I hear Earth, Wind & Fire - September, I feel so happy.

The Liwanag peeps got together after everyone packed up and we ate at Islands, and this time, there was no problem with the bill. I love it when things work out like that. We chilled at 25A Parkwatts again, played some Fusion Frenzy (I hate that jump/duck game) and played some Friday Night yes/no, but we sidetracked so much that we just broke off into random tangents and multiple conversations. We crashed pretty late and I was the last to wake up, so I left at 1 am. My roommates and I went to look for somewhere to live for next year (actually starting june or so) and checked out some of our options. Later we had some Oscars (you know, Pat & Oscars) and I went to 6:30 mass after that. Father Pat talked about reassurances and gears started turning in my head. Everything is changing, but there's not much I can do about it, only to keep going.

I went to go hang out with Em, Nim, GP, Leo, and Reg at NG's dorm and he had some pizza. I wasn't going to eat because I've been burning so much money on food lately, but Em tricked me into staying. Actually, I was just hungry. I made a quick trip home, expecting to do some cleaning, but ended up helping my roommate win some race in Gran Turismo. I left again for Brian's birthday surprise. It was hilarious how obvious we were... hiding inside his gate, then moving to the back sidewalk so we can sneak up behind Brian... only to see Brian and Stephanie walking right towards us... and so we run back inside the gate. How funny is that. (Yes, that was a statement, not a question). A good end to a good day.

I'm just a little disppointed though... not really crushed, a little heart-broken maybe. That's just the hand I got dealt though. Thanks for laughing at my predicament Reg foo. Whatever's happened to change the situation hasn't changed what happened before though. Just a closed door at the end of a hallway. It wouldn't have been so sad for me if not for the timing... with everything going on around me and not having liked anyone (not just attraction) for a long time, the walk back out of this hallway seems extra long. That first step is always the hardest, so at least that's out of the way. Strange, the things I go through... makes me wonder...

God bless.