More than you'll ever know.
I wish I could let someone experience this feeling inside me right now. It's a rough mix of elation, nostaliga, diappointment, heart-break, revelation, anxiety, vulnerability, and peace. Overall, I'd say it's a nice feeling, made only more tangible with the constrasting experiences. I can't believe than PCN spurred most of these feelings, especially since I was only in it for about a month. I'm reminded of what I wrote in an earlier post:
just trying not to overanalyze
or plant thoughts
in my head
over what's less in my control
than i choose to accept
It looks like life followed that exactly to a "T." PCN came and went. I came late because I could hardly wake up and it was raining, so I got to our venue around 11:30, but left with Roma, NG, and Melissa to grab some food. We ate and then things started rolling... costumes, makeup, dance steps, formations, pictures, the sounds... I wish I could say that it built up into a huge climax, but then again, I was only in senior suite. After our final run through I started to get excited, but we weren't going to be on stage for another three hours, so I spent it trying to text everyone to make it out to PCN and seeing if I could scrounge up unsold tickets for friends. Luckily, everyone who drove out (that I know) had a good seat. Some suites had presents for everyone or t-shirts... it would've been tight for the seniors to have some kind of memento. Slowly, suites finished their routines while I only got more anxious waiting, taking random pictures and laying down admit the chaos. When we finally started going over steps outside, I was still trying to get someone to do my makeup. Always the procrastinator I am. More waiting... at least I was in costume ready to go... no more preparations. Some of the seniors bought everyone a little drink to have right before our dance. I didn't drink, but it would have been fun to toast something... it's hard to bond with people if you're the odd one out, especially if they're drinking. That's been my longtime problem. Still, I made some friends and had sooo much fun. There was just energy... you could feel it on stage and all those worries about your steps and formations aren't there... only smiles... and laughing... and the random improvisations when you screw up... I wish I could have been sitting in the front watching all of it happen (with myself still in it, like being in two places at the same time or something). After the curtain closed we were extra loud, but then again, we're seniors. A lot of people were saying it was by far the best senior suite ever. Mad props to Mark and Kristina (our coords) and everyone in senior suite.
Being on the stage for curtain call was when everything seemed worth it... to see so many people... all that sweat.. i mean enthusiasm... I remember seeing a picture last year of everyone in the Koll room getting costume or doing makeup and other preparations and whatnot and thinking, that would be fun to be a part of. Not so much for what I get out of it, but just to know that you were a part of it. There's something about things like PCN and spirit rallies that when everything comes together it's like watching your baby grow up. You see it through the stress and the boredom and the anger, remember all the good times, and right when it happens... WOW...
WOW.
Hope you didn't blink. That about sums it up. Maybe it was because I'm a senior and everything is starting to take on huge sentimental value, but I didn't think I'd love doing PCN so much. Of course, it helped that senior suite was so chill and there was less pressure to get everything perfect... everyone (I think) wanted to have fun with it. I've been reading other blogs of it being someone's last PCN and I so glad I'm taking another year. I'd be so sad if I was only in it once and just didn't get into it my first three years. The people had a big part of my experience though, so I know it's not going to be the same as this year. Every time I hear Earth, Wind & Fire - September, I feel so happy.
The Liwanag peeps got together after everyone packed up and we ate at Islands, and this time, there was no problem with the bill. I love it when things work out like that. We chilled at 25A Parkwatts again, played some Fusion Frenzy (I hate that jump/duck game) and played some Friday Night yes/no, but we sidetracked so much that we just broke off into random tangents and multiple conversations. We crashed pretty late and I was the last to wake up, so I left at 1 am. My roommates and I went to look for somewhere to live for next year (actually starting june or so) and checked out some of our options. Later we had some Oscars (you know, Pat & Oscars) and I went to 6:30 mass after that. Father Pat talked about reassurances and gears started turning in my head. Everything is changing, but there's not much I can do about it, only to keep going.
I went to go hang out with Em, Nim, GP, Leo, and Reg at NG's dorm and he had some pizza. I wasn't going to eat because I've been burning so much money on food lately, but Em tricked me into staying. Actually, I was just hungry. I made a quick trip home, expecting to do some cleaning, but ended up helping my roommate win some race in Gran Turismo. I left again for Brian's birthday surprise. It was hilarious how obvious we were... hiding inside his gate, then moving to the back sidewalk so we can sneak up behind Brian... only to see Brian and Stephanie walking right towards us... and so we run back inside the gate. How funny is that. (Yes, that was a statement, not a question). A good end to a good day.
I'm just a little disppointed though... not really crushed, a little heart-broken maybe. That's just the hand I got dealt though. Thanks for laughing at my predicament Reg foo. Whatever's happened to change the situation hasn't changed what happened before though. Just a closed door at the end of a hallway. It wouldn't have been so sad for me if not for the timing... with everything going on around me and not having liked anyone (not just attraction) for a long time, the walk back out of this hallway seems extra long. That first step is always the hardest, so at least that's out of the way. Strange, the things I go through... makes me wonder...
God bless.
I wish I could let someone experience this feeling inside me right now. It's a rough mix of elation, nostaliga, diappointment, heart-break, revelation, anxiety, vulnerability, and peace. Overall, I'd say it's a nice feeling, made only more tangible with the constrasting experiences. I can't believe than PCN spurred most of these feelings, especially since I was only in it for about a month. I'm reminded of what I wrote in an earlier post:
just trying not to overanalyze
or plant thoughts
in my head
over what's less in my control
than i choose to accept
It looks like life followed that exactly to a "T." PCN came and went. I came late because I could hardly wake up and it was raining, so I got to our venue around 11:30, but left with Roma, NG, and Melissa to grab some food. We ate and then things started rolling... costumes, makeup, dance steps, formations, pictures, the sounds... I wish I could say that it built up into a huge climax, but then again, I was only in senior suite. After our final run through I started to get excited, but we weren't going to be on stage for another three hours, so I spent it trying to text everyone to make it out to PCN and seeing if I could scrounge up unsold tickets for friends. Luckily, everyone who drove out (that I know) had a good seat. Some suites had presents for everyone or t-shirts... it would've been tight for the seniors to have some kind of memento. Slowly, suites finished their routines while I only got more anxious waiting, taking random pictures and laying down admit the chaos. When we finally started going over steps outside, I was still trying to get someone to do my makeup. Always the procrastinator I am. More waiting... at least I was in costume ready to go... no more preparations. Some of the seniors bought everyone a little drink to have right before our dance. I didn't drink, but it would have been fun to toast something... it's hard to bond with people if you're the odd one out, especially if they're drinking. That's been my longtime problem. Still, I made some friends and had sooo much fun. There was just energy... you could feel it on stage and all those worries about your steps and formations aren't there... only smiles... and laughing... and the random improvisations when you screw up... I wish I could have been sitting in the front watching all of it happen (with myself still in it, like being in two places at the same time or something). After the curtain closed we were extra loud, but then again, we're seniors. A lot of people were saying it was by far the best senior suite ever. Mad props to Mark and Kristina (our coords) and everyone in senior suite.
Being on the stage for curtain call was when everything seemed worth it... to see so many people... all that sweat.. i mean enthusiasm... I remember seeing a picture last year of everyone in the Koll room getting costume or doing makeup and other preparations and whatnot and thinking, that would be fun to be a part of. Not so much for what I get out of it, but just to know that you were a part of it. There's something about things like PCN and spirit rallies that when everything comes together it's like watching your baby grow up. You see it through the stress and the boredom and the anger, remember all the good times, and right when it happens... WOW...
WOW.
Hope you didn't blink. That about sums it up. Maybe it was because I'm a senior and everything is starting to take on huge sentimental value, but I didn't think I'd love doing PCN so much. Of course, it helped that senior suite was so chill and there was less pressure to get everything perfect... everyone (I think) wanted to have fun with it. I've been reading other blogs of it being someone's last PCN and I so glad I'm taking another year. I'd be so sad if I was only in it once and just didn't get into it my first three years. The people had a big part of my experience though, so I know it's not going to be the same as this year. Every time I hear Earth, Wind & Fire - September, I feel so happy.
The Liwanag peeps got together after everyone packed up and we ate at Islands, and this time, there was no problem with the bill. I love it when things work out like that. We chilled at 25A Parkwatts again, played some Fusion Frenzy (I hate that jump/duck game) and played some Friday Night yes/no, but we sidetracked so much that we just broke off into random tangents and multiple conversations. We crashed pretty late and I was the last to wake up, so I left at 1 am. My roommates and I went to look for somewhere to live for next year (actually starting june or so) and checked out some of our options. Later we had some Oscars (you know, Pat & Oscars) and I went to 6:30 mass after that. Father Pat talked about reassurances and gears started turning in my head. Everything is changing, but there's not much I can do about it, only to keep going.
I went to go hang out with Em, Nim, GP, Leo, and Reg at NG's dorm and he had some pizza. I wasn't going to eat because I've been burning so much money on food lately, but Em tricked me into staying. Actually, I was just hungry. I made a quick trip home, expecting to do some cleaning, but ended up helping my roommate win some race in Gran Turismo. I left again for Brian's birthday surprise. It was hilarious how obvious we were... hiding inside his gate, then moving to the back sidewalk so we can sneak up behind Brian... only to see Brian and Stephanie walking right towards us... and so we run back inside the gate. How funny is that. (Yes, that was a statement, not a question). A good end to a good day.
I'm just a little disppointed though... not really crushed, a little heart-broken maybe. That's just the hand I got dealt though. Thanks for laughing at my predicament Reg foo. Whatever's happened to change the situation hasn't changed what happened before though. Just a closed door at the end of a hallway. It wouldn't have been so sad for me if not for the timing... with everything going on around me and not having liked anyone (not just attraction) for a long time, the walk back out of this hallway seems extra long. That first step is always the hardest, so at least that's out of the way. Strange, the things I go through... makes me wonder...
God bless.
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