Why does it feel like I have everything to lose and everything to gain? Nothing seems to figure itself out very well on its own. That's where I come in and screw things up. How ya like me now.

Sometimes I really feel like a jerk. Or an ugly, ugly person. What the freak?

But that's not the point. I'll trade inaction for restlessness and deal with the consequences later.

Bombs away.

Yesterday was more than challenging... in different ways. Obligations are one thing, but sometimes you have to fight your own memories too.

These roads have crossed before. At some point you think, what are the odds? There isn't that much entropy in the universe. There's some kind of order to this life. So what now? Good question. I'll keep walking.

It's been a week of crazy dreams. Almost every day.

Late nights in Parkwest? Reminded me of the ATM hangout. I miss college.

Where is this going?

above the clouds

Today was a good day. Especially compared to yesterday. The rain was a nice touch. Rain down, rain down... I think if people weren't so caught up with staying out of the rain and accept that they're going to get a little wet, then they wouldn't hate on the rain so much. Maybe there's still snow up in them mountains. A little 'hate' goes a long way. I've had crazy dreams the past three days. Three on Sunday, two yesterday, and two today. The first was a weird spin off of Kill Bill. It could have been a Vol. III or something, but much shorter than the other ones. And more... yea.

The other one went something like: I was camping out near my house. A bunch of stuff happened (that I don't remember). When I finally had to go home, I didn't have any kind of light with me, so I was wandering in the dark along a trail. I caught a glimpse of a huge tarantula in the moonlight as I walked over my outstretched hand. I tried not to flinch and freak myself out, but as I kept walking, there were several other tarantulas (all about the size of basketball) that would crawl up my arm and up my side. I couldn't take it any more and I freaked. And woke up.

I think I caught something. I was feeling really warm and lightheaded this evening. Hopefully it blows over. I haven't been sick in a while, but I haven't been taking the best care of myself lately. Argh. Ach! Ack! Aych!

Today was a good day.

i need to get to the point where motivation comes from within

crash

Sometimes you'd rather be knocked out than have to be conscious for the whole aftermath. But that's for the lucky ones. Usually, you hit your head hard enough to make you want to rip out your hair... and then you notice what kind of condition the rest of your body's in and it strikes you (no pun intended) how much of a mess you have to deal with.

It can't be that bad. Maybe I need a major dose of sunlight.

reset

worn out

They say running is, in effect, a controlled fall. So I run. Run away. Run back. Run till it hurts. Run till I'm numb again. I thought I could handle this, but the flesh is weak.

Blood, sweat, and tears. But not in that order.

Thank you for helping me, even when I wouldn't admit I was in over my head.

Run away, then run back.

The gap between willingness and ability is too far to bridge.

Nothing to do but run.