I missed a class again, but made it in time for the noon Good Friday service. It was good to see so many people come out, even just to show you people still have faith. After my last class, I went to Subway to grab a veggie sandwich, but one of the workers told me they were closed, but he seemed a little angry or something, nowhere close to sympathetic or anything. I went to Costco to grab some stuff for the house and there were all sorts of samples around, making the fasting thing all the more hard. People were kind of rude there too, not letting other people get by and just random discourteousness. I had to keep telling myself not to let them rub off on me. On the drive there, I had some issues with some over aggressive drivers. There seemed to be a lot more whack drivers to piss me off today, even though it's Holy Week. I think yesterday I got honked at twice just for letting someone go ahead. On top of that, the drivers at the ARC always seem to be in the biggest hurry. What the heck are they cutting off pedestrians for? How much time do they save by not stopping for the people walking through the parking lot? Some drivers really aggravate me sometimes. Especially when they just make driving a hassle... and they speed up just enough so you can't change lanes, even though they should already be braking for a stop light or something. Whatever. I looked for the Subway on Harbor and almost missed it, but I just made the right turn. I got out of my car only to find out that they were doing some kind of construction or something and everything was being renovated. I was hungry and confused, so I drove on and realized that there was another Subway (the one I usually go to) just a block away. A Subway on every streetcorner? I was in the wrong lane though and there was hella traffic, so I went right through a parking lot and turned onto the cross-street. I could have made a U-turn, but I think my hunger was clouding my judgement, so I turned left and made a U-turn (more traffic) and then finally arrived. It was weird too because I saw this girl from my gospel choir class a long time ago who I used to think about sometimes, but I never see anyone from UCI in Costa Mesa unless they're working. I wondered why I liked her before... maybe I just liked her style. I guess first impressions do make a huge difference sometimes... which isn't good for me because I don't think I make very good first impressions on people. To most strangers I'm just the quiet one...

I went to the 6:30 service and afterwards went to Days stations at Dorothy's house. Even though it was cold and my nose was dripping a little, it was good to be in the company of those Dayzers. We had some soup afterwards, but I couldn't eat it right away because it was so hot. Nobody else seemed to have a problem though, except Mom complained that she burnt her tongue later. All I wanted first was something cold to drink. I have this aversion or something towards food that's too hot. I don't even like washing the dishes in hot water. I want to keep all the sensation in my hands... We went home afterwards and I crashed on the couch, so now it's 6 am and I'm blogging. Wayzgoose prep starts in one hour. Time for a nap.

a different time
a different place
a man apart
a sudden ending

innocence and ignorance
rationalization and faith
newfound understanding
silent revolution

unselfish sacrifice
undeserving injustice
unending grace
undying light

walls crumble
worlds are shaken
something must die
hearts are opened
dreams are reborn

a new beginning
a new reality
a new direction
a living hope

Well, I missed my classes today. Woke up to my alarm too, just kinda fell asleep again. I helped my roommate through some gran turismo until 3, when gp invited me to play bball. I brought my roommate along and we played at some court way on the far side of irvine with Derrick, Kristine, and Maricris showed up later. I had to leave because I had class (where the grade is based on attendance) and almost didn't make it on time because one of our games went way too long. I saw one of the girls that some friends and I played bball with in the fall for intermurals. She seems to be popping up a lot lately, at mass, and now in my class. Too bad IM's are 5-on-5 guys only. She was a baller. Maybe next fall. We'll tear up the comp league. I picked up a sandwich at subway before I went back to the game. The guy that worked there remembered me and how I was talking about the Lenten abstinence from meat, so he thought I was getting the veggie patty, but it was only Thursday. It's kind of sad when you frequent a store or restaurant and the people you always deal with don't even recognize you. Even though their jobs aren't that exciting most of the time, it's nice to know you're not just the next customer in line.

We got to the ARC right on time for our game. The other team had some hella skinny guys, although we weren't too big ourselves. We got toasted pretty well... I think the score at halftime was about 26-2, while the final score was 50-7. I had a couple of three's that should have gone in but bounced out and got a layup to jam against the backboard and the rim. At least I hit rim, right? We shot around for a little while afterwards and Gerald tried to drive past me and hit me in the temple with his shoulder pretty hard. I think it actually helped my game though, because I started sinking some crazy shots. We worked out afterwards, which I haven't done in just about two weeks. I was surprised I didn't lose much strength, despite my bad eating habits and everything. I didn't even get that tired playing bball... I made it through the whole first half. It felt good to work out again... I was starting to feel rubbery. I went home in a really good mood, having been running around and whatnot from 4 to 9 without crashing out. Seeing gas prices down to $1.95 at the ARCO also made me happy. Last week I filled up for $2.15 a gallon! That's a nice drop. I went to Albertson's to grab some yogurt and bananas and realized I was smiling walking down the aisles. I came home and my roommate was cooking curry rice and chicken curry. I made her some strawberry banana shake and had some food and now my activities are starting to catch up with me. I'm going to be really tired in the morning, but right now I feel so relaxed. Maybe I'll have a crazy dream to write about tomorrow....

Just one thing I remembered from tonight:
We were doing our senior suite practice for PCN and there's a part where I'm doing the hustle mixed in with some other stuff, and we were trying some steps out. For one part I had to do the typical partner dance thing--where the guy puts his right hand on the girl's waist and holds her right hand in the air with his left--and I got this deja-vu type of feeling... it was like back in 9th grade when we learn dance for PE and our teacher Mr Simms was on the original Soul Train or something. Being hella shy around girls, you get partnered up with random girls and sometimes you'd have to be holding their hands or putting your hands on their waist for the whole period. Of course I wanted to get paired up with the girl I liked in the class, but whoever it was, I still got the feeling of "Wow... this is nice." I don't know why, but I got that feeling today, even though I'm far less shy around girls and I feel comfortable dancing. Maybe it was because I felt that curve between the hipbone and the ribs that's so unmistakably feminine... and her hands were soft (but not clammy)... all those things that you can't really help but notice. All I could think of was "Wow, this is nice". I haven't felt that in forever, where it's a little unexpected, and you're not so much thinking about the girl you're dancing with (because I don't know her that well). You're almost reminded that hey, you're dancing with this girl.. pay attention!. Something just felt natural, and I felt younger all of a sudden. Wow.

I guess that's the kind of feeling you get when girls aren't on your mind all the time. That means my Lenten sacrifice of thinking about girls/relationships is working. Good stuff.

It really seems as if the days are getting shorter, although they are actually getting longer. There's just more and more stuff that I'm trying to pack into the day it's hard to be able to just sit down and relax. After PUSO on Tuesday was the LOG meeting. It was nice to see new faces there and people who've been MIA. I believe we've really come into our own as more than a club... more than a group of friends even. It being two of their birthdays (Reg and Derrick) we celebrated at Fridays. I was supposed to play volleyball for intermurals, but decided to go to Fridays. Birthdays come along only once a year anyway. Little did I know that only 2 people out of 11 who signed up actually showed up to play. That's pretty sad. We played ninja for a while in the waiting area and I managed to hit almost everybody, so everybody ganged up on me. I dodged Chris like Neo in the Matrix... I think that means I've been playing around too much. I didn't eat, so I wandered around the table, and someone started the Friday Night question game which I originated during our Liwanag retreat almost two years ago. Don't listen when she denies it... Mom is a bonafide freak, among other things. Other highlights included Reg and David cake kissing and working it out/check it out. There was another situation with the bill though... it never seems to fail. Someone always shortchanges their own bill (tax and tip people!) or forgets to add the drinks. Or the shared food. Someone always ends up forking over five or ten bucks just to get it over with. If you think about it though, one extra dollar from every person would almost eliminate that problem... I think our group spent enough to fund one whole homeless outreach. Kinda makes you question how generous you really are.

Once again I woke up on time but didn't make it to class. I shouldn't make a habit out of this. I had an early lunch and went to the courtyard study lounge to start some math homework and listen to some cds, but i fell asleep with the earphones bumping in my ears. I don't know why I've been so tired lately, because now I'm eating right and sleeping well too. I woke up late enough to miss my other class, but sat there and finished reading a few sections in my math book, so my nap wasn't a complete waste of time. I thought about how nice it was to study early and see people around studying... I started thinking that maybe I should take advantage of all the nice study place on campus. Especially when CSL has hundreds of cds to listen to.

I went home, did the dishes that were waiting for me for almost a week, and headed back to campus for UV, PCN, PUSO prep for Wayzgoose, and YFC. So much stuff to attend to! UV instated a new rule where late people would have to sing in front of everyone. I was already late when I left my place, but luckily they didn't catch me. I felt a little sad when it came time to announce nominations for UV board and people had to decline because they are graduating in June. That's my class... class of 1999... I dropped by YFC and was only going to stay a few minutes, but I decided to stay longer because they had a meditation, being Holy Week and all. It helps to center yourself in the midst of the endless work and chaos of college life. I need to remember where my focus should be. I went to PCN practice at 9:30, even though it started at 8, so I felt lost for a while, but I caught up pretty quickly. I surprise myself sometimes, because I didn't think I'd be able to learn the dance that fast, and also in UV, for a song I've never heard before to be able to sing more than half from memory in an hour. Practice today was more like the experience I expected, unlike last Saturday. Everyone seemed more relaxed, no cliques hanging around, everyone doing their thing. They have me paired up with Beverly, who went to my high school. Kinda funny though... she was my first date to a formal dance, but I don't think she had as much fun as she wanted because I didn't know how to dance back then. Or maybe I did but I was hella uncomfortable. Maybe this is my chance to redeem myself. It's also kinda sad though because despite hanging out a lot in the past and having plenty of good memories, I hardly see her around now and we're like acquaintances or something. It's good that we were partnered up then, I guess. I also helped with PUSO and lent my hand at feeding Mike and Jasmine goldfish (by tossing it at them). Tomorrow is PUSO's first intermural basketball game for this quarter, and I'm excited. I just hope we don't get blown out. That's what happens when you play in the comp league. I stayed at practice until 12, sucking car fumes and running around feeling full of energy. I hope I can keep up with myself for the rest of the quarter.

I was listening to The Voice Within just a while ago... I get chills listening to it. You guys in the skit were awesome.

My brother actually came over for the first time in during my college years by himself. He's been driving for two years now, and he's visited his friends here at UCI without even calling me to say what's up. He always complains about how things are at home with our parents, but he never seems to want to fight it in the right way... our parents always tell me to help him with his math classes anyway. He might as well come over here to escape them... Funny though, he only came over to pick up a CD I burned from him, a program he needs for his ICS classes. I guess it's a start though. I let him know about some of my adventures, like when I bought him his Christmas present in San Francisco, but it was the wrong size so I couldn't really exchange it... it's sad that he hasn't gotten to experience things like that which make college such an exciting time, where you really get to stretch your imagination and change your view of the world. And eat pho at 4 am...

Sometimes you just have to sleep... which is why I didn't get the call for Reg's surprise berfday thing last night. I crashed around 9 I think on the couch and didn't wake up until about 4:30, sneezing myself awake. I guess falling asleep in my still slightly damp sweater didn't help my immune system recover from last week's craziness. I went back to bed at 5, and actually woke up before my alarm (again) at 7:30 or so. I could get used to this waking up thing... Of course, I managed to get to class late again, but it's all good. Back to class now...

saturday
Despite my frustrations with my PCN experience, I left it all at the door and refocused myself, so that the energy I drew from wasn't anger, but love. I'm so grateful that I have this group of peers... friends... Catholics... Filipinos (and some others)... family that keep my faith in people alive. It's so easy to become disillusioned and depressed or bitter at what you see, even in the people you care about most. We were rushing to finish all the commercials and the skit video clip and had all sorts of technical difficulties, so we ended up starting an hour late. I was a little disappointed in the turnout because we advertised more this year than previous years, but as soon as I saw how full of the Spirit the crowd was, I stoped thinking about the number of people, and admired their amount of energy and spirit in the room. I hope the people liked the commercials... if they were along for the filming I think they would be even funnier. There were so many bloopers... a blooper tape should be coming soon though. Out of the last four rallies, I think that I finally was able to let things happen as He would have wanted them to. What good is a song if your heart's not in it... or if you're thinking about what's coming next? It was also good seeing some faces I haven't seen around in a while, and the support from other groups, like SOL, Servant's Heart, YFC, and PUSO.

We all went to IHOP afterwards for the usual 30+ strong early morning dinner. We Liwanag folk roll deep. I sat by myself for a while, partly because nobody sat next to me, and partly because I didn't feel like getting up and switching tables. It was one of those social-antisocial moments I've had every now and then. It's not like I didn't want to sit next to anybody, but I wanted to sit there. Sometimes you have to do your own thing, even if it feels like you're ripping a piece of yourself away... but never long enough that you break your ties with those who are walking along with you. I snapped out of it of fairly quickly though, and participated in the obligatory snapshot craziness. I think my stomach shrunk from hardly eating the previous couple of days because I couldn't finish my pancakes after polishing off my omlette. Leo and Flo offered me some cornbread cakes, and I so full that I was about to refuse... but it was CORNBREAD! What was I thinking? I accepted, but could only eat so much... I know they would have tasted much better if I wasn't so full. Everything starts to taste funny when your stomach's about to rip open from all the food you ate. We left without hanging out afterwards because everyone was seriously worn out. I was last to leave... first to arrive. I'm glad I got to be there through all of it.

sunday
I woke up around 1 after some much needed sleep. I planned on making it to choir practice, so I got ready, but when I was driving away, the clock in my car read 4:15. I looked at my cell phone. 4:15. I think I'm still not used to this daylight savings time thing. I used my extra hour to drop off my film from the rally, eat at costco, and get a refund for supplies we didn't use. I got to campus on time for practice, and Brian brought up the state of the 6:30 mass choir and how the whole situation is pretty bad, with people not even wanting to attend mass at Interfaith anymore because the choir situation has become so ugly... I guess Brian said it best, that the PR needs some work. I'm there because I feel I need to support. I hope other people aren't scared away... it's so sad to see people become so bitter over a church choir.

It was Palm Sunday mass. Fran was on mic and said prophesy (prophe-sigh), while everyone else said (prophe-see). I started laughing so I had to bite my tongue. After mass she looked it up in the dictionary. Turns out she was right, but still... it was pretty funny. We couldn't decide where to go after mass with no more practices anymore, but somehow I convinced everyone to get boba (ginko bobiloba) with me. Reg got almond milk tea, which tasted like soap, but I guess she liked it. Power to ya, Reggie! Afterwards, I took Angie and Kathleen to in-and-out for an animal style grilled cheese burger (is it a burger even without the meat??) and well done animal style fries. NG mentioned how Liwanag isn't part of the Alyansa umbrella group, and some people feel that Liwanag is breaking ties with other filipino organizations, but it's more a matter of politics than any disrespect, though I believe that being part of Alyansa would help our cause, making more people aware of who we are and what we do. Nobody ever said that trying to promote a Catholic prayer group was easy. I slept pretty early because I couldn't even find the energy to look at websites.

monday... today
I woke up even before my alarm, and made my way to class, even though I ended up being late because I lagged. I was going to pass out in my math class because I could hardly understand what my professor was saying through his thick Chinese accent, even though I'm familiar with the material because I'm retaking the class. I saw Cristina after class and we talked for a while about how tired we both were. I feel so disorganized lately... and it shows in my room. I'd take a picture for posterity's sake, but it's too embarassing. I went home and started thinking about my motivations and where my energy goes. I started thinking about how I can be incredibly fired up when I let myself... sometimes for good and sometimes not. I remembered how PO'ed I was on Saturday at the PCN practice and how determined I was to do everything I could to make the rally run as smoothly as possible. I really feel myself burn inside sometimes, not like a candle, but like a oil well fire that you can't even come close to without shielding your eyes. Of course, I'm usually chill to the point of laziness, but I have the need to go full throttle... all out... which not many people see. But that's only because I have to control it just enough so I don't hurt myself... or somebody else. When I see that side in other people, it's incredible... no holding back, no pretending. I reminds me of a verse in the Bible in Revelations... that God spits out the lukewarm. There should be times in your life when you must be hot or cold, not just indifferent or apathetic. You must have some sort of fire inside you about certain things in your life, or else what do you really believe in? I cannot stand to be passive in this world of injustice and love, hate and sacrifice. Not everything is black and white, but you can get lost between the grays.