saturday
Despite my frustrations with my PCN experience, I left it all at the door and refocused myself, so that the energy I drew from wasn't anger, but love. I'm so grateful that I have this group of peers... friends... Catholics... Filipinos (and some others)... family that keep my faith in people alive. It's so easy to become disillusioned and depressed or bitter at what you see, even in the people you care about most. We were rushing to finish all the commercials and the skit video clip and had all sorts of technical difficulties, so we ended up starting an hour late. I was a little disappointed in the turnout because we advertised more this year than previous years, but as soon as I saw how full of the Spirit the crowd was, I stoped thinking about the number of people, and admired their amount of energy and spirit in the room. I hope the people liked the commercials... if they were along for the filming I think they would be even funnier. There were so many bloopers... a blooper tape should be coming soon though. Out of the last four rallies, I think that I finally was able to let things happen as He would have wanted them to. What good is a song if your heart's not in it... or if you're thinking about what's coming next? It was also good seeing some faces I haven't seen around in a while, and the support from other groups, like SOL, Servant's Heart, YFC, and PUSO.
We all went to IHOP afterwards for the usual 30+ strong early morning dinner. We Liwanag folk roll deep. I sat by myself for a while, partly because nobody sat next to me, and partly because I didn't feel like getting up and switching tables. It was one of those social-antisocial moments I've had every now and then. It's not like I didn't want to sit next to anybody, but I wanted to sit there. Sometimes you have to do your own thing, even if it feels like you're ripping a piece of yourself away... but never long enough that you break your ties with those who are walking along with you. I snapped out of it of fairly quickly though, and participated in the obligatory snapshot craziness. I think my stomach shrunk from hardly eating the previous couple of days because I couldn't finish my pancakes after polishing off my omlette. Leo and Flo offered me some cornbread cakes, and I so full that I was about to refuse... but it was CORNBREAD! What was I thinking? I accepted, but could only eat so much... I know they would have tasted much better if I wasn't so full. Everything starts to taste funny when your stomach's about to rip open from all the food you ate. We left without hanging out afterwards because everyone was seriously worn out. I was last to leave... first to arrive. I'm glad I got to be there through all of it.
sunday
I woke up around 1 after some much needed sleep. I planned on making it to choir practice, so I got ready, but when I was driving away, the clock in my car read 4:15. I looked at my cell phone. 4:15. I think I'm still not used to this daylight savings time thing. I used my extra hour to drop off my film from the rally, eat at costco, and get a refund for supplies we didn't use. I got to campus on time for practice, and Brian brought up the state of the 6:30 mass choir and how the whole situation is pretty bad, with people not even wanting to attend mass at Interfaith anymore because the choir situation has become so ugly... I guess Brian said it best, that the PR needs some work. I'm there because I feel I need to support. I hope other people aren't scared away... it's so sad to see people become so bitter over a church choir.
It was Palm Sunday mass. Fran was on mic and said prophesy (prophe-sigh), while everyone else said (prophe-see). I started laughing so I had to bite my tongue. After mass she looked it up in the dictionary. Turns out she was right, but still... it was pretty funny. We couldn't decide where to go after mass with no more practices anymore, but somehow I convinced everyone to get boba (ginko bobiloba) with me. Reg got almond milk tea, which tasted like soap, but I guess she liked it. Power to ya, Reggie! Afterwards, I took Angie and Kathleen to in-and-out for an animal style grilled cheese burger (is it a burger even without the meat??) and well done animal style fries. NG mentioned how Liwanag isn't part of the Alyansa umbrella group, and some people feel that Liwanag is breaking ties with other filipino organizations, but it's more a matter of politics than any disrespect, though I believe that being part of Alyansa would help our cause, making more people aware of who we are and what we do. Nobody ever said that trying to promote a Catholic prayer group was easy. I slept pretty early because I couldn't even find the energy to look at websites.
monday... today
I woke up even before my alarm, and made my way to class, even though I ended up being late because I lagged. I was going to pass out in my math class because I could hardly understand what my professor was saying through his thick Chinese accent, even though I'm familiar with the material because I'm retaking the class. I saw Cristina after class and we talked for a while about how tired we both were. I feel so disorganized lately... and it shows in my room. I'd take a picture for posterity's sake, but it's too embarassing. I went home and started thinking about my motivations and where my energy goes. I started thinking about how I can be incredibly fired up when I let myself... sometimes for good and sometimes not. I remembered how PO'ed I was on Saturday at the PCN practice and how determined I was to do everything I could to make the rally run as smoothly as possible. I really feel myself burn inside sometimes, not like a candle, but like a oil well fire that you can't even come close to without shielding your eyes. Of course, I'm usually chill to the point of laziness, but I have the need to go full throttle... all out... which not many people see. But that's only because I have to control it just enough so I don't hurt myself... or somebody else. When I see that side in other people, it's incredible... no holding back, no pretending. I reminds me of a verse in the Bible in Revelations... that God spits out the lukewarm. There should be times in your life when you must be hot or cold, not just indifferent or apathetic. You must have some sort of fire inside you about certain things in your life, or else what do you really believe in? I cannot stand to be passive in this world of injustice and love, hate and sacrifice. Not everything is black and white, but you can get lost between the grays.
Despite my frustrations with my PCN experience, I left it all at the door and refocused myself, so that the energy I drew from wasn't anger, but love. I'm so grateful that I have this group of peers... friends... Catholics... Filipinos (and some others)... family that keep my faith in people alive. It's so easy to become disillusioned and depressed or bitter at what you see, even in the people you care about most. We were rushing to finish all the commercials and the skit video clip and had all sorts of technical difficulties, so we ended up starting an hour late. I was a little disappointed in the turnout because we advertised more this year than previous years, but as soon as I saw how full of the Spirit the crowd was, I stoped thinking about the number of people, and admired their amount of energy and spirit in the room. I hope the people liked the commercials... if they were along for the filming I think they would be even funnier. There were so many bloopers... a blooper tape should be coming soon though. Out of the last four rallies, I think that I finally was able to let things happen as He would have wanted them to. What good is a song if your heart's not in it... or if you're thinking about what's coming next? It was also good seeing some faces I haven't seen around in a while, and the support from other groups, like SOL, Servant's Heart, YFC, and PUSO.
We all went to IHOP afterwards for the usual 30+ strong early morning dinner. We Liwanag folk roll deep. I sat by myself for a while, partly because nobody sat next to me, and partly because I didn't feel like getting up and switching tables. It was one of those social-antisocial moments I've had every now and then. It's not like I didn't want to sit next to anybody, but I wanted to sit there. Sometimes you have to do your own thing, even if it feels like you're ripping a piece of yourself away... but never long enough that you break your ties with those who are walking along with you. I snapped out of it of fairly quickly though, and participated in the obligatory snapshot craziness. I think my stomach shrunk from hardly eating the previous couple of days because I couldn't finish my pancakes after polishing off my omlette. Leo and Flo offered me some cornbread cakes, and I so full that I was about to refuse... but it was CORNBREAD! What was I thinking? I accepted, but could only eat so much... I know they would have tasted much better if I wasn't so full. Everything starts to taste funny when your stomach's about to rip open from all the food you ate. We left without hanging out afterwards because everyone was seriously worn out. I was last to leave... first to arrive. I'm glad I got to be there through all of it.
sunday
I woke up around 1 after some much needed sleep. I planned on making it to choir practice, so I got ready, but when I was driving away, the clock in my car read 4:15. I looked at my cell phone. 4:15. I think I'm still not used to this daylight savings time thing. I used my extra hour to drop off my film from the rally, eat at costco, and get a refund for supplies we didn't use. I got to campus on time for practice, and Brian brought up the state of the 6:30 mass choir and how the whole situation is pretty bad, with people not even wanting to attend mass at Interfaith anymore because the choir situation has become so ugly... I guess Brian said it best, that the PR needs some work. I'm there because I feel I need to support. I hope other people aren't scared away... it's so sad to see people become so bitter over a church choir.
It was Palm Sunday mass. Fran was on mic and said prophesy (prophe-sigh), while everyone else said (prophe-see). I started laughing so I had to bite my tongue. After mass she looked it up in the dictionary. Turns out she was right, but still... it was pretty funny. We couldn't decide where to go after mass with no more practices anymore, but somehow I convinced everyone to get boba (ginko bobiloba) with me. Reg got almond milk tea, which tasted like soap, but I guess she liked it. Power to ya, Reggie! Afterwards, I took Angie and Kathleen to in-and-out for an animal style grilled cheese burger (is it a burger even without the meat??) and well done animal style fries. NG mentioned how Liwanag isn't part of the Alyansa umbrella group, and some people feel that Liwanag is breaking ties with other filipino organizations, but it's more a matter of politics than any disrespect, though I believe that being part of Alyansa would help our cause, making more people aware of who we are and what we do. Nobody ever said that trying to promote a Catholic prayer group was easy. I slept pretty early because I couldn't even find the energy to look at websites.
monday... today
I woke up even before my alarm, and made my way to class, even though I ended up being late because I lagged. I was going to pass out in my math class because I could hardly understand what my professor was saying through his thick Chinese accent, even though I'm familiar with the material because I'm retaking the class. I saw Cristina after class and we talked for a while about how tired we both were. I feel so disorganized lately... and it shows in my room. I'd take a picture for posterity's sake, but it's too embarassing. I went home and started thinking about my motivations and where my energy goes. I started thinking about how I can be incredibly fired up when I let myself... sometimes for good and sometimes not. I remembered how PO'ed I was on Saturday at the PCN practice and how determined I was to do everything I could to make the rally run as smoothly as possible. I really feel myself burn inside sometimes, not like a candle, but like a oil well fire that you can't even come close to without shielding your eyes. Of course, I'm usually chill to the point of laziness, but I have the need to go full throttle... all out... which not many people see. But that's only because I have to control it just enough so I don't hurt myself... or somebody else. When I see that side in other people, it's incredible... no holding back, no pretending. I reminds me of a verse in the Bible in Revelations... that God spits out the lukewarm. There should be times in your life when you must be hot or cold, not just indifferent or apathetic. You must have some sort of fire inside you about certain things in your life, or else what do you really believe in? I cannot stand to be passive in this world of injustice and love, hate and sacrifice. Not everything is black and white, but you can get lost between the grays.
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