It's come to the point where I'm not sure if I'm sick or if my morning allergies/histamine overload is keeping me from waking up and feeling rested. I have that sore throat feeling when I try to take a deep breath or breathe out hard, but I'm not really coughing at all. Plus, in the middle of the day, I feel fine, just tired. When I wake up, man... my sinuses and nasal passages hurt. Like my thumb now, which I strained playing bball. Which I first sprained in the fall at the Bahay Kubo event thingee playing catch with Cris. I think won't heal right because it's my funked up right thumb, the one which never straightened out all the way. Oh well.

Wednesday I woke up hella late (sometime around 2 I think) and proceeded to finish my paper. I still wasn't done by 6 (so no UV) and barely finished by 7. Mantadory senior suite practice from 8-11... I rolled over there thinking I might be late or something, but even for a mandatory thing, senioritis is still a factor. I grabbed a footlong from Subway and came back, practiced some, and shared the other half of my sandwich with somebody. You got to make sure everyone's fed. Especially when you have a whole lot of food. My new partner Joy is alright, but we don't really click like I do with some of the other people in the suite, so she talks to one of her friends when we're not dancing, leaving me kinda hanging, because there's like 30 seconds to chill before they rewind the music and start again. For the end part, we're supposed to do this one group pose and she's supposed to sit on my knee, but I complained that the concrete floor was hurting my other knee (still bruised from volleyball and racquetball), so she just starting to pretend to sit, kind of floating above me knee. How's that for chemistry? Maybe we'll have some next week.

Thursday I tried to make my history class, but made the last 20 minutes, and they were watching a movie, so I didn't feel like interrupting. Charlene told me later that most of the information on the midterm will be from the lectures, not so much from the books. Sucks for me. Went to history discussion horribly unprepared, but actually participated more than anybody else. Seems like nobody speaks up in those breadth classes. I didn't want to go to math discussion, but I forced myself. I just felt blehhhhh... and I ended up falling asleep halfway through. I hope I didn't snore or anything, but I know I was head bobbing. I wonder if the TA saw... he's pretty cool though. I remembered Thursday lunch at Interfaith, and got some free food, chilled for a while, then headed home. I walked out of Interfaith around 2:30 and the campus looked dead. It's too bad UCI is such a commuter school. It'd be nice to still have people around campus between class hours, and at night. I went home, did some laundry, and didn't do the dishes sitting in the sink for the last 3 or 4 days. My roommate bought some adidas basketball shoes, even though I told him about some nikes that were selling for way cheaper ($70 versus $100) and got the same rating, even better actually, on www.kicksology.com, but he's a stubborn one, saying he's had a bad experience with nikes because the air always pops on him, but the shoes I recommended don't even use the air technology... I guess brand loyalty trumps price for some. We rolled out to our intermural bball game, which started out 5 on 4 in our favor, but we still couldn't capitalize. They finally got their fifth guy five minutes in and started to pull away, and one of our dudes kept us in it (not really, but he poured in like 16 or 18). Final score 50-25. The other team was tall and bigger than the team we played last week, and they played dirty... calling ticky tack fouls but shoving around the baseline to box out. If you go up for a shot and call foul before you take the shot, most of the time it's BS. So I turned up my D, and they started to get all pissed because we'd foul a little more, but they still kept shoving and whatnot. I still haven't scored in the last two games though... hopefully my scoring will pick up sometime, or it'll be a long season. I got Nolan from senior suite to play with us next week, and I think he can definitely ball with the bigger guys, so we'll be better off then. I lifted for a little while, forcing my roommate to do it too, which he didn't want to, but that's what you have to do sometimes to get people to work out with you. We grabbed some Subway afterwards, and I went to YFC's praisefest prep thing. I came home to news of the T-Wolves' win over the Lakers. Go KG! Sorry Laker fans, but Minnesota deserved that win... especially with all the garbage calls the refs made. I did the dishes while a headache set in, and by the time I was done, I was too tired and couldn't think to do anything else so I slept...

and woke up an hour before my alarm to that good old sinus pain again. I fought it for a good 20 minutes before I could fall asleep again... and I just woke up again at 1:30. Oh well. Bball anyone?

A lot of people have been asking me if I cut my hair... or when I cut my hair... or why I cut my hair. Just kidding, just if and when, not why. I used to grow it out and cut it short before, but nobody ever said anything about it. I let it grow pretty damn long this last time though, long enough so that I had to pull up individual bunches of hair when it was gelled just so I could spike it. Actually, for the last week I couldn't really spike it anymore because it would just go crazy and fall in all sorts of directions, even though my hair is straight it tendds to do whatever the hell it wants to. I think it was almost three inches on the top. Doesn't sound like much, but it looks like a lot. I have hella thick hair too, so when it grows out... you get a nice fro. People were even telling me that they've never seen me without my hair spiked up, so I went to school a couple of times sans gel. I felt a little self-conscious, like people were looking at me funny or something. I finally cut it Saturday down to a 6, despite trying an 8, but it didn't work out right. A 6 isn't that short, except when I do it, it looks like a 3. Maybe it's because I have a big head. If you don't think so, let's compare hat sizes. My roommates told me one time, kind of randomly, that I have a large head... and a full face. I guess that means my face fills up my head pretty well. When I had my hair grown out my head looked pretty big, so when I cut it, it suddenly looked a little small, but I guess more proportional to my body?!? I dunno. People are also telling me that they like my hair spiked up... they're not diggin the fro. Leo told me today I should keep it short, but it was cool when it grew out because it was all over the place. Maybe I'll just bic it one day and wear hats and beanies until someone figures it out. Keep everyone on their toes. Who's that bald foo? NG? GN? Bob? Trogdor? Motem? Prophesy? My roommate used to talk about the bald-man cut... bic the top, grow out the sides... so it's like the post-combover stage when men accept their baldness. Kadeers. Cornrows would be tight... but I don't think I'll ever dye my hair. Jet black is beautiful. It's kind of rare now to see girls with jet black hair, only because everyone's got highlights or something... black stands out for some reason. It's OG. Ganstsa. Like that NG foo. Or that Reg foo... except I don't think he's really gangsta. It's gangsta too if you cut your own hair. Maybe not. Peace out for now.

It's a little cold...
I feel loose inside...
and I walk a little crooked.
And my vision is a little blurry.

I'm a little scared.

Scared about the finality of where my life has lead up to.
Preparing for something I'm not sure I can reach.
Afraid that I've been wasting too much time.
Unsure about my own direction.

Could it be I'm not everything I though I could be?
Have I been walking down a road I was never meant to see out to its completion?
Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
Am I being led or am I already lost?

I don't see any other way.
I don't have a backup plan.
I don't feel like giving up.

And so I walk.

I have not yet arrived.

Monday started on a lull... though I got to class and everything, I felt gloomy and sad for the first time in a while. Feeling my mood change, I decided to fight it, force myself not to let my mood make me lazy... make me want to just sleep everything away. I worked for a little while, and I read my book for history between classes instead of going home just to sit at my computer and see who's been updating their blogs/xangas/whatevers. Physics put me to sleep (even though I like physics... I think it was the heat of the lecture hall), so I had to keep yelling inside my head to stop letting the gray skies outside and in my head turn everything into nothing. I went home, only to miss UV (again), but I made it to PCN practice. I'm excited... I got almost the whole thing down to the point I don't have to count and I can pick up at any point. Bev, my partner showed up a little later. Bev, my partner told our dance cord's that she was going to have someone else as her partner. That left me partnerless. So they put with another girl. Where is the love? I thought it'd be a good opportunity to strengthen the ties between us, because we used to hang out a lot, but maybe it was only because we were around each other a lot. And now? I don't know. I even told my roommate how cool it was that we got paired up. What can I do though? I ended up learning a different part of the dance and stayed late to help get it down with the other guys in my suite. I came back home to finish my history paper. Two page analysis of a drawing. How hard could it be? Right around 1 am, I get invited to watch the meteor shower down at Turtle Rock. I'm there... my brain wasn't with me at that point anyway. My paper read like...



yea, like that.

I met up with everyone on campus and we rolled six cars deep to Turtle Rock. Reminded me of the time Roma, Melissa, Flo, Reg, and I went to watch the last one... without a sleeping bag or enough jackets, but it was so fun... This time we had maybe 20 of us Loggers and PUSO people (planned spontaneity at its best). We somehow convince everyone to hike all the way up, freezing from the wind chill. The clouds looked nice from up there. I'm sure the meteors looked nice, behind the clouds and all. We kind of split off into little groups, then came together to sing slow jams, dogpile the hell out of Cris and GNat (someone cracked my back when they landed on me... I almost drooled on somebody), and stand really close to one another to block out the wind... and get a little closer, nah mean? We even saw the moons out (yes, plural). We all managed to make it back down the hill and get home, only wishing that we didn't have to do anything in the morning. Unfortunately, my paper still awaited me. More unfortunate still, by the time that I had to turn the stupid thing in, I only had 5 lines written... so I slept off most of the day from 9 to 4pm.

Tuesday. Sunset was coming in a few hours, and I had just woken up. What the hell was I thinking? Better yet, why the hell couldn't I think? I put my paper on hold to go to my bio career decisions class. It was about medical school this time, one of the few relevant topics I wanted to pay attention to in the class. That baller girl from fall intermurals was there again. She had a Chicago Bulls jacket. It was an old one too, meaning she's been a fan for a while... and to bring it with her to college? Hmmm... same major... same favorite team... something good could come out of this. But I never said anything. I can't expect anything. Maybe our paths will cross some more...

I walked out of the class feeling somewhat apprehensive... there was something that clicked in my head, something that made me realize that I was near the point of no return, so to speak, with all the preparations and everything for medical school, and yet I'm still so unsure of myself. I felt so small. UCI has become my home... my people are here... I'm so comfortable here. But then again, I was never really about being comfortable. Maybe I just have to stop sticking my foot in the door once I've already passed through it.

I went to PUSO next, sad that I missed most of it. I got nominated for two positions. I don't know who nominated me, but I'd like to be on board... it seems like something for me, something I can get into. I've benefited a lot from PUSO, even more than just career or academic wise. I guess I should try do the same. Those cool cats also gave me an appreciation card and some candy for helping out with Wayzgoose. They said if I came earlier they would have clapped for me too. How cool is that? I grabbed some food with Cris and then went to the afterevent, arts and crafts. Not your typical after event, but hey, whatever works. We made lanyards and frames, stuff I haven't done in forever. Brought me back...

I went to Liwanag and it was great to see new people come out all the time now. I think everything is running in a cycle of involvement, which might suggest a blowout year for LOG this coming school year, but for me it was a incredible year regardless of our numbers. It'd be nice to have extra people around, just to stir things up a bit. We had discussions about the me-first attitude in society and what it means to be a servant. A little something to think about, as in everything it can be hard to let go of that yearning to be at the top all the time. Sometimes it's far better to share... and other times far better to serve. I had to leave early for a PUSO intermural volleyball game. We played our hearts out, and we got tore up. From the flo' up. We kept it pretty close in the second game though. We've never played together though, and I've only played twice in the last six years, so I guess it's the effort that counts. Next week we'll be back with a vengeance. We practiced spiking after the game, and I somehow managed to spike it into some dude's head, even though he was 20 feet to my right... I need to practice on my aim a little. I played 2 hours of racquetball after the volleyball game with Mel, Joe, and GP. Somehow the stupid ball kept finding its way to injure us... in the balls. There were like 20 body shots. Maybe half were from GP serving it into himself. I went back to Interfaith afterwards to see if anything was still going on, and I met up with Reg, Mom, and Cris, who were going to study at Commons. I followed them and actually got some good work in before I left for home again at 2. But I still didn't finish my paper yet...

Saturday was Wayzgoose. I told some people I'd be there around 8, but actually got there a little late, maybe 12 or so. I felt compelled to cut my hair. I completely forgot about PCN practice though, so they skipped senior suite practice (there were too many missing seniors... slackers). I strolled around to the different booths and stayed with PUSO and their funnel cakes. I've actually never had a funnel cake until yesterday, but then again there are plenty of things I've never gotten to do yet that most people have... which helps when you're playing ten fingers. Right when then start to get busy and I finally get some food, the propane in two of our three tanks run out, so Vince and I go to refill them. Yesterday was also the first time I've gone to get propane, so I didn't know there are so few places to refill the tanks; most place just exchange them. We went to Albertson's first. No luck. Then Ace Hardware. They could only exhange the tanks, and only one of our tanks was exchangable. Then we go to a 76 station down by the 5 freeway. Turns out they're filling the gasoline tanks underground and can't refill any propane for 20 minutes. In the meantime we find out they don't even refill the tanks we have anymore because they don't have safety overfill valves. To buy a new tank and fill it would cost ten bucks more than at Ace. Back to Ace... Sixty minutes and twenty two bucks later, we have one tank of propane. Things are getting hectic when we get back to the booth. Orders backed up the ying yang. The other group selling funnel cakes ran out of batter or something, so we were the sole funnel cake provider at that point. I had ot write names and times on the orders just to keep everything straight. All in all, we made a decent profit, but I guess Vandai's suggestion of snowcones would've been far easier. Or boba. I love boba. I love iced tea too... it's probably my favorite drink. My collection of empty canisters of iced tea mix can attest to that. I think combined they would have made around 180 gallons of iced tea.

After cleaning up and having the obligatory photo session, we decided to go to the ARC and film a PUSO commercial for PCN. As it turned out, Vince, Derrick, Kristine and I played catch in the ARC parking lot for half an hour, then Mark, Derrick, Kristine, Maricris and I played bball outside until the sun set, while Earl filmed some of our action. I think I'm finally getting that left hand drive down, with the spin moves and everything. I even made a halfcourt shot, one from out of bounds near halfcourt, and running 3-point fadeaway jumping out of bounds baseline... SWISH!! Just like Rex Champan. Nice. But somehow I managed to lose at H-O-R-S-E. Derrick got nice and dirty with the melon drink, while Kristine and MC got dirty with... the pole that holds up the basket?!?! Mark spent an hour looking for a puck that wasn't his. Those crazy PUSO people. Kristine and MC left, so Earl, Derrick, Mark, and I demonstrated some PLS (parking lot syndrome), leaned on Earl's truck, and talked about high school hyjinks (sp?) until the ARC closed. A great end to a great day.

I went home that night, crashed early, and we went to Easter mass. It was packed to the ceiling as usual, but I didn't really see many people I knew. Mass during those major holidays is strange because all the holiday Catholics come out... not that it's a bad thing, but a lot of them can be distracting... and when they don't sing any of the songs it's harder to sing yourself. When we were leaving, I saw one of the girls that used to live on my street back in elementary school, except she was maybe 4 years younger than me... walking with her boyfriend... and her baby. I think Chino Hills was pretty isolated from the whole dropout/pregancy epidemic at a lot of other school, so I'm still is disbelief sometimes when I see it. There weren't more than 8 people out of our class of 800 that didn't graduate. Maybe I'm just sheltered. We all celebrated my sister's birthday at home, even though it's already been 2 1/2 weeks since it past, but I wasn't home that week. My sisters and brother all took our usual pictures, but we all posed with a stick of butter this time. Just for kicks. I think after all the growing up we've done, and all the time apart for college and whatnot, all the time we spent together now is just chill and fun. Like it should be. I just wish we'd have more time to do things together, instead of just sharing stories about where we've been (but haven't told our parents about). Maybe this summer...