it pours

Once again, we get screwed by our apartment complex. Crap ass internet and cable for three and a half more weeks. I was more than ready to kiss SkyLink Cable goodbye for life. I'm almost considering going cold turkey or dial-up until then.

It turns out someone picked up my phone and made a call around 4pm yesterday. Combined with the fact this person didn't pick up any of the 30+ calls I made to my phone in 2 hours, I'm not real pleased about how this is unfolding.

when it rains

Someone out there has my phone. It's not broken or run over. It's not anywhere in plain sight. I knew I lost it minutes after it fell out of my pocket running from the office where I work to the store across the street. Two very small parking lots and maybe 100 feet of sidewalk, and somehow a cell phone vanishes in broad daylight. This, only 4 days after a busted radiator and 5 hour wait for a tow truck. Good thing I'm not superstitious, or I'd be waiting for the coup de grace right now. Two weeks ago I lost my ATM card. I guess that might make it three. But that wasn't a big deal. It wasn't expensive. In fact, it was free to replace. The radiator? $326. And 5 hours. And $60 missed work. And the inconvenience of not having my car (and whatever was in it). And the tip for the tow truck. And the $5 to park in downtown L.A. What is that? $450 and time? Now I have lost contacts, lost time, stress, anxiety, possible fradulent calls made, and no means of first person communication for work. Add another $50 for a phone insurance claim and it's been an expensive week.

I don't lose things. That's not in my nature. The only times I've lost my phone are when it's fallen out of my pocket or unclipped itself while I was running around. I've never lost my car keys, and only lost an ATM/credit card once. Maybe twice. And ever time I lose something, I go crazy trying to find it. I don't leave my stuff laying around and I don't misplace things. That's why this is so aggravating. I've recovered my phone several times when I thought it was gone, but if someone out there picked it up... that's one possibility that I can't get over right now.

Eff.

Somehow, I'm trying to believe this is all part of the plan. So far, I'm failing. Please show me otherwise. Maybe it's asking a lot. I can handle the costly mistakes. I'm used to those. I can't handle the expensive ones right now.

Is it time to get that real job yet?

Ever since I've been starting to solidfy my motivations, it seems things are being to conspire against me. I sacrifice some things, and other things get taken away. I make some changes, and then my situation is altered. This is frustrating to no end.

I'm going to have to transfer all this restlessness to the motivations department, because I'm getting swamped. Please help me. I can't do this alone.

once removed

I wasn't watching, but the floor's been breaking apart, and I'm having to make all sorts of jumps over the gaps. It makes sense then that I feel a growing distance between myself and everything else.

I'd better become a better jumper.

I have a nagging feeling that every time I tie something up, it's getting unraveled casually on the other end. It's only bad when I get too weary to do anything. I can't think of the last time I didn't feel tired though.

Somehow I've transformed this Lent into a season of major growth. I know it's working because it's hardly comfortable. It's more like I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to hammer some things out. The results aren't pretty, but they're promising.

I was cleaning up the other day and found some things I've kept from high school... old photos, mementos, random things that remind me of a seemingly distant past. I think I've changed more than I'd normally admit to myself. Maybe now I'm starting to find all those missing pieces. Unfortunately, I have to retrace some more steps to find all of them. That's what I'm not looking forward to.


If you find yourself in the desert and your well dries up, you have to find a new source of water.

There are a few people around who I feel I keep making missteps. So far, nobody's speaking up. Well, one person did. And though I didn't want to hear it at the time, it's all for the better after the fact.

Someone's got something to say.

i don't hear anything yet...

humility

Dad, you're right. My silence was my concession. I can't keep doing this forever. I shouldn't be wasting my time. I've got to sacrfice something now for what I'm going to be.

All I want is a little faith.

I took a few steps already. Don't count me out. I'm not simply chasing dreams, even though this is my dream. I needed some time...

... I think I'm almost ready.