Back on the other side. I was bored out of my mind last night. Actually, the last two nights. When the other M.O.M's came back, we rolled over to Boomers for the batting cages. I couldn't hit crap for 4 rounds. That's 72 pitches. I probably only hit 8 good ones. The second to the last round I started to loosen up and started to focus on my timing and let everything fall into place, and I ended up hitting half that round. I was last up for the last round. Nobody hit that pole in the middle, but lots came close. I was in a different area code or something. I was freaking tired, so I slowed down some more. Ten or twelve pitches later, it came off the bat real nice, then SMACK right in the middle of the pole. WoohoooOO! Three dollar pot! It only took about 100 pitches. Damn. I need to work out or something. I had trouble waking up this morning too. Which meant work was reschedule to Sunday. Damn, I can't keep missing work Saturday morning, even though the parents I tutor for are pretty chill. Last week or the week before I could have made $40, but I just didn't wake up. Oh man, that's a credit card payment. On the plus side, we can roll to Daygo a little bit earlier today.

Here
we
go

Numb. Is it from too many hours at the computer or too little sleep or not enough energy to feel anything else but numb? So I'll close my eyes and listen for a while. I feel unfocused right now. I'm blurry. The more I think about it, the less I understand it, but I'm not confused at all. Just numb.

I was walking back to my car after taking my mom to get her watch battery replaced and I saw some crap near the right headlight. It turns out those damn kids who threw eggs at my car on Halloween didn't just get ny roof, but my headlight and bumper too. Damn stupid kids. I could see dried egg all the way up inside the headlight assembly. I wasn't happy, to say the least, but I held it in. And then I let it go. Probably because my mom was right there. She didn't realize anything was wrong, and there wasn't much I could do. I just hope it hasn't jacked up my paint. What a messed up thing to do.

I've been thinking that there's a lot I don't tell most people. I feel like a major lazy ass more than I'd like to admit. The world puzzles me. I think I have a better grasp of how relationships work, but haven't been able to use that knowledge much lately. I have a lot of unfinished business.

Breathe out.

What nightmare is this?

What do we have now? A sharply divided America, a never-ending war on terror, a supposed "mandate" for Republican policies from only 51% of the population, a Republican controlled Congress, and a glaringly unfit president.

And yet as a Catholic, I must have faith that all things are in his plan. I don't know who needs prayers more, the leadership of this country or its citizens and non-citizens.

It's about time for another revolution.

Speaking of nightmares, I dreamt that I was helping backstage with an Imagining Reality show turned praise and worship concert, and when Liwanag got onstage after a different group was done, people started walking out en masse. Then some people started throwing things at the stage. We started throwing things back and forth, from the stage to the angry audience members. Crazy. Then somebody brought out an appreciation cake for the audience, with the words "Olive Garden" written on top. Of all the random things to have written on a cake to be given to an unappreciative audience, it said "Olive Garden?" End scene.

I participated in the electoral process. I feel bad about not voting in the election 2 years ago. There was something that didn't feel right about voting through a computerized system though. It was good to see the youth of America voting though. Maybe the understanding of the almost criminal things Bush has been supported for doing will be seen for their true motive, spurring some kind of revolution, if not in the streets of America or Capitol Hill, then in the minds of every American. War is not the answer in Iraq. Iraq was never the answer. Tax cuts for the rich is not the answer. Anti-worker, anti-environment, anti-student, anti-children, anti-education, anti-health care, and anti-elderly legislation is not the answer. Stem cell research, however controversial, was a not the issue it was made out to be. It was never banned. Bush only restricted federal monies from funding it. The sole issue on which I side with Bush is abortion, but I don't feel he has made an effort to change the minds of those who are pro-choice. I believe the real battle behind abortion is in the minds and hearts of everyone, not on the ballot or in the Supreme Court. This must be carefully thought out, or the polarization of America will continue. For the same reason the war on drugs didn't work... we can't keep making the same mistakes.

I will have faith though. Not in the administration, not in the government, but in God. It is one thing to have faith, but faith in what?

America tried to impeach Clinton for lying about his sexual indiscretion.

America is horrifyingly close to reelecting Bush for weakening the military, starting an unjustified war on a whim, creating generations worth of searing hatred for America, destroying the budget surplus, leaving students poorer than ever, astronomically high gas prices (up almost 300% in two years), more children left behind, too many dead Iraqis too count, bin Laden mocking us, environmental wrecklessness, childish "debate" and propaganda, the dark cloud of the Patriot Act, the potential for a new draft, a refusal to import cheaper prescription drugs, and terrorism of the American people.

And all that in only 4 years. I'll put money on him doing far more damage in the next 4 (if, God forbid, he is reelected).

Morally bankrupt, foolishly self-righteous, stubbornly close-minded, infalliably unjust... America needs to do some soul searching. I think we can safely skip over Mr. Bush.

That man is not my president.

It's a dark, dark day in America.

When someone can lie, cheat, and steal, and terrorize, and then be reelected president of America, I find myself very, very apprehensive about the direction of this nation.

Forget the fact he needed the Supreme Court to step in 4 years ago and stop the recount in Florida which would have cost him the presidency.

Forget his numerous votes and actions contrary to the interests of children, students, workers, the elderly, and minorities, they very people for which the government can do so much good. Not to mention the laissez faire attitude taken which coporate greed (the Enron scandal) and his wanton disregard for the environment (the dismissal of the Kyoto Protocol, already in the final negotiation stages).

Forget how he deliberately "misled" us into Iraq without a single shred of solid evidence concerning weapons of mass destruction or a link to Al Queda.

Forget how he touts his Christian faith yet is one of the single greatest proponents of the death penalty. He has executed the more prisoners than any modern governor. He is the first president to execute a federal prisoner in 40 years. I can't even fathom the destruction of lives that has occurred in Iraq.

Forget that for all his claims of being a strong decisive leader, he spent seven whole minutes reading My Pet Goat after learning of the World Trade Center attacks before he even stood up and excused himself.

Forget that by August of 2003, he had spent more than one quarter of his presidency on vacation, the most by any president in history.

Forget that his tax provided $100 or less in relief to 53% of all American taxpayers.

Forget that the Patriot Act which he so eagerly signed nearly negates the need for probable cause in cases of detainment or searches, a huge blow to personal rights.

Forget that he turned one of the biggest buget surpluses in a long time into one of the biggest budget deficits in recent history.

Forget that he refused to allow an independent commission to examine the White House's handling of 9/11, and then censored the report which it published after they were finally granted permission.

Forget that Halliburton, one of Dick Cheney's business ties, has been awarded several multimillion dollar uncontested contracts for the rebuilding of Iraq.

Forget that the administration has pumped millions of dollars into "new terrorism," instilling Americans with fear from through the media, press conferences, terror alerts, and propaganda about Iraq and its ties to 9/11.

It's a dark, dark day. Somehow I fail to see the morality on which this man stands, the morality on which so many millions of voters staked their choice in leadership. I fear for America, I fear for the world.

Yo, dis T.O.To continue with the madness that was this weekend, there was noon mass choir, more manual driving lessons in the Interfaith parking lot, scratched plans for Thai Spice, Franny brattyness in front of Madrona, quick trips to Shawshank for Boulderdash, phone calls from parents when I forgot I had work, benefit concert practice, Jack in the Bizzle, and actually talking in our room.

It's fun just being in the moment. For the weekend at least. It's back to work on Monday, if I can call it work. I've got plenty to do tomorrow, so hopefully I'll wake up. My stomach's not too happy that I only had 2 tacos for dinner. That means potentially I'll be up a little early to quell some hunger pangs, but it's more likely that I'll just be damn tired and damn hungry, too lazy to eat and too hungry to sleep.

Brought to you (and me) by God. Thank God. you have been our refuge... you have been our home...

I need a resolution. Hopefully sooner than later. When it's all sorted out, is anything going to come out of this? It could just be I'm taking a much wider perspective on things than I ever should have, but it helps that it's all be said at one point or another. I never did to well when I kept things to myself. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Maybe it's more "invitations" than "decisions." What comes out of two imperfections?

And so it goes deep. Edges are sharpened, details are blurred, and ideals are thrown out the window. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure there's some soul searching involved. Either that, or I have it all upside down. Time to stop reading and start asking. Time to stop analyzing and start acting. The time is now.

Breathe out.

It's madness, these past two days have been. Costco to hold em to Zoolander to homeless outreach to grass boxing to In and OUt to Dayzer Days to helping with a Halloween party to stick driving lessons to Norms to Madrona for Khristine's bday... Somewhere in there I got some sleep. Not much though. But it was all great.

I'm just as indecisive as ever. Things like these don't resolve themselves.