An interesting night... The potluck was awesome. I was surprised to see so many people come out. Unfortunately, my arroz caldo took forever and I came late, plus I didn't cook the rice right, so it had that nutty uncooked rice consistency. Whatever I left for my roommates seems to be just picked at. I think I'll try something I've cooked before for the next potluck to prevent any future disappointments. I had some business to take care of during the meeting, which meant I missed a game of mafia and the freakin halo halo... damn. Then, when I finally got to play mafia, I got freakin killed early in the game two rounds in a row! First Em got me, then Dee. Both times, I was a lowly citizen. I think it sucks when you don't get to play through until you get to do some real damage, especially being a citizen. Two times in a row? That's a travesty.
After the mafia games, I decided to meet Joe at the ARC to play racquetball, even though I knew it was closing in 20 minutes. I only played about 4 minutes before one of the workers shut our game down 2 minutes before closing. Boo on that. I didn't really feel like hanging out too late, but I figured I'd just drop back at Interfaith to see if anything was going on. I found everyone being indecisive, as always. I wanted to go home, but not before knowing what they wanted to do. Tired of waiting, I drove Leo to his car and came back in 5 minutes. Tin told them about some beach near Crystal Cove down PCH. I wanted to drive, because I almost always want to drive, but I ended up riding in GP's car. On the ride there, my mood was really mellow and I didn't really say anything. Somebody asked if you could relive one moment in your childhood, what would it be? I wanted to say my childhood, but didn't really feel like saying it then. When I look back to my earlier years, there were very few moments that I can remember ever being happy. I'm not even sure how I made it where I am now. I was one the shyest kids you could ever meet. I didn't really talk to my siblings, and I always felt lonely. In school, I was voted the biggest nerd by my classmates. I don't remember having any kind of self-esteem. It took forever to get over the shyness thing, but I think now I have abandonment issues (or something along that level). The only person that I could have over my house was one of the neighbors, and that wasn't even that often. Even into high school, nobody really wanted to go to my house, mainly because they were scared of my parents, and also because I lived farther than everybody else. Now I have this house in college and guess what? Nobody wants to come over here! I dunno, it could be for fear of my roommates. Who knows? I hope I'm not being bitter. I can't stand bitterness.
We got to our destination and walked down to the cliffs, and I took some pictures. I wished I had brought my tripod. I felt kinda goofy trying to take long exposure pictures with my hands shaking. I found myself gradually drifting off by myself to a dark spot and I sat there, the cold breeze making my head hurt. I've never felt comfortable in large groups. I'm the type of person that gets lost in big groups. If you're lost long enough in the same place... you're not really lost anymore, just displaced... suddenly your unfamiliar surroundings become familiar, but remain unbearably uncomfortable. That's been a feeling I've been fighting in the back of my head for a long time, but I wonder if that's just my selfish desire for attention or my desire not to feel so isolated. I get the feeling that I'm on the inside, in the middle of everything, but like the eye of a storm, nothing is going on around me. Everything moves around me, but I am still. I could swear that sometimes I just disappear.
I'm not sure what spurred it, but I sat on a bench and started thinking about my walk, my journey. I remembered once again that I've gone through most of my college life without a best friend or a girlfriend. I also thought about all the things I've been doing lately with different people... I have great experiences with them, but I don't feel as close as I would like to them. There's a difference between feeling close to a group and feeling close to an individual. I feel very open and at ease with them, but I don't consider myself that close to most of them individually. I started getting songs in my head like Lift Up Your Hands (which always makes me want to bawl) and words from a song I heard on the way there.. something about everybody wanting to give their love away to someone else. I really felt that line. I sat there for about an hour I think, with myself and my thoughts. I kept trying to tell myself to remember that I'm never alone, that He is always there. I prayed for companionship, guy or girl, someone I could talk to anytime, someone to make me feel like less of a stranger, someone to know me better than anyone else, who could understand me. Maybe this is my trial, my struggle. I don't think I'm an easy person to know well, but I try not to hold anything back. In His time...
I apologize to the people who asked me if I was okay, because I lied through my teeth and said I was alright. I think if it was daytime, they probably would have read it on my face. I don't care to fake being happy... I think Em noticed, but there were too many people around so I didn't feel like talking.
I think I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll feel better. I needed an outlet for all this before I let it wreak havoc on my subconscious. My crazy life. Basta Ikaw.
After the mafia games, I decided to meet Joe at the ARC to play racquetball, even though I knew it was closing in 20 minutes. I only played about 4 minutes before one of the workers shut our game down 2 minutes before closing. Boo on that. I didn't really feel like hanging out too late, but I figured I'd just drop back at Interfaith to see if anything was going on. I found everyone being indecisive, as always. I wanted to go home, but not before knowing what they wanted to do. Tired of waiting, I drove Leo to his car and came back in 5 minutes. Tin told them about some beach near Crystal Cove down PCH. I wanted to drive, because I almost always want to drive, but I ended up riding in GP's car. On the ride there, my mood was really mellow and I didn't really say anything. Somebody asked if you could relive one moment in your childhood, what would it be? I wanted to say my childhood, but didn't really feel like saying it then. When I look back to my earlier years, there were very few moments that I can remember ever being happy. I'm not even sure how I made it where I am now. I was one the shyest kids you could ever meet. I didn't really talk to my siblings, and I always felt lonely. In school, I was voted the biggest nerd by my classmates. I don't remember having any kind of self-esteem. It took forever to get over the shyness thing, but I think now I have abandonment issues (or something along that level). The only person that I could have over my house was one of the neighbors, and that wasn't even that often. Even into high school, nobody really wanted to go to my house, mainly because they were scared of my parents, and also because I lived farther than everybody else. Now I have this house in college and guess what? Nobody wants to come over here! I dunno, it could be for fear of my roommates. Who knows? I hope I'm not being bitter. I can't stand bitterness.
We got to our destination and walked down to the cliffs, and I took some pictures. I wished I had brought my tripod. I felt kinda goofy trying to take long exposure pictures with my hands shaking. I found myself gradually drifting off by myself to a dark spot and I sat there, the cold breeze making my head hurt. I've never felt comfortable in large groups. I'm the type of person that gets lost in big groups. If you're lost long enough in the same place... you're not really lost anymore, just displaced... suddenly your unfamiliar surroundings become familiar, but remain unbearably uncomfortable. That's been a feeling I've been fighting in the back of my head for a long time, but I wonder if that's just my selfish desire for attention or my desire not to feel so isolated. I get the feeling that I'm on the inside, in the middle of everything, but like the eye of a storm, nothing is going on around me. Everything moves around me, but I am still. I could swear that sometimes I just disappear.
I'm not sure what spurred it, but I sat on a bench and started thinking about my walk, my journey. I remembered once again that I've gone through most of my college life without a best friend or a girlfriend. I also thought about all the things I've been doing lately with different people... I have great experiences with them, but I don't feel as close as I would like to them. There's a difference between feeling close to a group and feeling close to an individual. I feel very open and at ease with them, but I don't consider myself that close to most of them individually. I started getting songs in my head like Lift Up Your Hands (which always makes me want to bawl) and words from a song I heard on the way there.. something about everybody wanting to give their love away to someone else. I really felt that line. I sat there for about an hour I think, with myself and my thoughts. I kept trying to tell myself to remember that I'm never alone, that He is always there. I prayed for companionship, guy or girl, someone I could talk to anytime, someone to make me feel like less of a stranger, someone to know me better than anyone else, who could understand me. Maybe this is my trial, my struggle. I don't think I'm an easy person to know well, but I try not to hold anything back. In His time...
I apologize to the people who asked me if I was okay, because I lied through my teeth and said I was alright. I think if it was daytime, they probably would have read it on my face. I don't care to fake being happy... I think Em noticed, but there were too many people around so I didn't feel like talking.
I think I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll feel better. I needed an outlet for all this before I let it wreak havoc on my subconscious. My crazy life. Basta Ikaw.
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