I had one of the scarier moments in my life this morning. I went to bed around 3:30 the night previous, but for some reason I woke up spontaneously around 6:30. I lay in bed fully awake, hardly even groggy, and after a minute or so I felt a little pinch in my left side, between my lower ribs. I'm used to little pains like that; they would bug me if I slept on my stomach the whole night or if I lay down on something which put too much pressure on my chest. If I tried to breathe deeply, I'd get a sharp pain in my ribs--something to do with the difference in pressures. Other times, I'd have a ache in my shoulder and side if I slept funny, like lying on my arm with my back twisted. Plus I've been working out pretty hard, so I was sore all over. But this pain was different. It lingered. After a few more minutes I felt a ghost pain in my left chest. Something was up. I didn't wake up on my side. I ran through my mind all the possible scenarios. I remember learning that pain inside the chest is usually referred by your brain to an area close to the skin because there are no pain receptors in your internal organs. There was no shooting pain down my arm or pressure in my chest, just a strange pain I never felt before. I thought about how there's a history a heart disease in my family. I thought about how most heart attacks occur in the morning. I wondered if I drove myself to the emergency room to get tested, if insurance would cover it. And if my parents would find out. I wouldn't want them to worry about something like this if it was a false alarm.

The pain didn't go away. I lay flat on my back, breathing as lightly as possible. I felt my heart thump hard in my chest every few beats. For a long time there's been a fear in my mind that I might have a heart problem. Every now and then my pulse would race for no apparent reason. Sometimes it would seem like my heart skipped a beat. I thought about dying. About my mortality. There are few times in my life when I've felt more fragile than I did laying in bed. I thought maybe God was calling me or something. That it might be my time. Or maybe I'd be living with a damaged heart. I thought about when my dad had a heart attack, and how much the medical bills were. I think at one point he was moved to another hospital in an ambulance and it cost around $5000. Did my insurance cover things like this?

I got up and started looking up what the most common symptoms would be for a heart attack. Despite not having those symptoms (besides the chest pain), I found little comfort. I got something to drink in case I was dehydrated and lay down again. I couldn't fall asleep for a while, until about 8:30. I woke up at 12 and felt slightly better. I did some more reading online, but didn't find any new information. I decided to try to ignore the pain for a while, and I sat at my desk looking at random websites. There were several times when I thought everything was fine and I was just overreacting, but then I'd have a sudden dizzy spell or I'd feel out of breath for a while, both symptoms of heart attacks. I stayed in my chair until the pain eventually faded away, around 2 pm. Even now I can't say I'm still 100% sure I'm alright. Every now and then I feel my heart pound for a few beats, or that pinching pain inbetween my ribs.

I was sitting by myself, not long after sunrise, 7 am. The sky was gray. All I could hear was the computer fan, the blinds hitting the window, and the clicking of the keyboard. It's as if the whole world was still sleeping. All I could think was something wasn't right. You can never be sure of anything you don't have control over. Will I get into medical school? Will I ever meet someone? Will I still be around to find out?

When something you've taken for a given in your life starts to show it's vulnerability, it shakes your world up a little. I don't want to wonder if my heart will ever quit on me, but I don't have a choice. The mind can do some crazy things with your outlook on life. I wonder if God just wants me to slow down a little bit. How fragile this life is.