Eleven days to cover. This will be interesting.
It's been an interesting journey or sorts this past week and a half. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've started pushing off. Well, you need something to push off of. Something heavy preferably. It wasn't my intention to have some much stuff to push off of, but I'm sure it helps. I decided to move in a new direction. I'm tired of being so careless with things around me. So I started to clean my room. For the past five days, the majority of my day has gone to laundry (my whole closet plus more), opening literally hundreds of unopened letters, recycling the piles of magazine lying around the house, vacuuming the living room and entryway, cleaning and maintaining the kitchen (not an easy task in this house), organizing my ever growing glut of photos, throwing away incomprehensible notes taken half awake in class (while saving the halfway useful notes), and general stuff around the house. That adds up to maybe 30 hours of cleaning. About 6 hours each day, usually pretty long into the night too. The past two days, I had to pry myself away from my room to eat. I'm a cleaning machine.
Why am I doing all this, when I'm expecting to move in about a month anyway? I think I realized that I've been letting things fall apart and deteriorate around me for so long that I've just left a huge mess wherever I go. My laundry, my room, my house, my academics, my finances, my relationships. It's getting out of hand. I need to put some of my energy towards something before I don't have any energy left. And so I've made myself busy for the last few days, trying to do what's been long overdue. Every so often today, I'd find old letters from freshman year that were still unopened. Eventually, everything will be sorted out though. It's just a matter of time. I'd say maybe 5 more days. It's really that messy and disorganized.
After my room is finally clean, I need a job. And a place to live next year. Whatever Martin, Debbie, and I had planned for next year isn't going to work out. I've started to think that it's for the best. It goes along with my current mentality, that if I don't change something now, I'm not going to like where I'm at down the line. I can feel it, like there's nobody to share responsibility for anything I do anymore. It's a little discomforting, but I know it has to happen. Nothing happens without action, something which I've been having trouble implementing into my own life. I've got plenty of reason to now, with PUSO board, trying to get into med school, being broke, and not having a place to live next year. It's all so tedious now, but I think the payoffs will be worth it. You have to start somewhere. If that means cleaning my room, then I'm already on my way. As long as I do it right. There a real difference between being organized than just tidy. The parallels run deep. You can't have too many loose ends hanging around... the attention to detail... finding the necessary motivation... learning how to maintain something. It's all part of the growing process. And though growing pains are inherent to growth, I'm no longer afraid to endure that pain.
I've started to realize little by little that people will do what they want, regardless of what you might tell them... or show them. I'm almost scared that I'm getting caught up in all of it, but in trying to separate myself from things I don't like, I end up separating myself from people. It's hard to find that balance, where you don't like what a person believes, or does, or even says, yet you don't feel like imposing your beliefs on them. Part of that stems from the lack of connection I have with some people, but sometimes it's more than that. How do you ask a good friend "What the hell are you doing?" That's not my thing. I know how it feels to the receiving end of that. Nobody likes to be told what they're doing isn't right. Or thinking. Or saying. When does concern become judgement? I wish someone could tell me all the times I do things I don't need to be doing... things which don't benefit myself or anyone around me... these are sensitive issues. I can't say I'm above everything I don't like, but I'm working on it. The first step is understanding what the problem is. Just because it's not hurting anyone doesn't mean there aren't better ways to use your time... or your talents. Then again, I could just be wrong about everything.
My roommates have been hinting that I've been a little antisocial lately, but I think there's a antisocial vibe running through this house. There's too much being left unsaid and undone. I wish it wasn't like pulling teeth to find something to talk about or do, but I'm finding myself less and less interested in what goes on here. It's hard to have a relationship with people you don't relate to.
It's been an interesting journey or sorts this past week and a half. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've started pushing off. Well, you need something to push off of. Something heavy preferably. It wasn't my intention to have some much stuff to push off of, but I'm sure it helps. I decided to move in a new direction. I'm tired of being so careless with things around me. So I started to clean my room. For the past five days, the majority of my day has gone to laundry (my whole closet plus more), opening literally hundreds of unopened letters, recycling the piles of magazine lying around the house, vacuuming the living room and entryway, cleaning and maintaining the kitchen (not an easy task in this house), organizing my ever growing glut of photos, throwing away incomprehensible notes taken half awake in class (while saving the halfway useful notes), and general stuff around the house. That adds up to maybe 30 hours of cleaning. About 6 hours each day, usually pretty long into the night too. The past two days, I had to pry myself away from my room to eat. I'm a cleaning machine.
Why am I doing all this, when I'm expecting to move in about a month anyway? I think I realized that I've been letting things fall apart and deteriorate around me for so long that I've just left a huge mess wherever I go. My laundry, my room, my house, my academics, my finances, my relationships. It's getting out of hand. I need to put some of my energy towards something before I don't have any energy left. And so I've made myself busy for the last few days, trying to do what's been long overdue. Every so often today, I'd find old letters from freshman year that were still unopened. Eventually, everything will be sorted out though. It's just a matter of time. I'd say maybe 5 more days. It's really that messy and disorganized.
After my room is finally clean, I need a job. And a place to live next year. Whatever Martin, Debbie, and I had planned for next year isn't going to work out. I've started to think that it's for the best. It goes along with my current mentality, that if I don't change something now, I'm not going to like where I'm at down the line. I can feel it, like there's nobody to share responsibility for anything I do anymore. It's a little discomforting, but I know it has to happen. Nothing happens without action, something which I've been having trouble implementing into my own life. I've got plenty of reason to now, with PUSO board, trying to get into med school, being broke, and not having a place to live next year. It's all so tedious now, but I think the payoffs will be worth it. You have to start somewhere. If that means cleaning my room, then I'm already on my way. As long as I do it right. There a real difference between being organized than just tidy. The parallels run deep. You can't have too many loose ends hanging around... the attention to detail... finding the necessary motivation... learning how to maintain something. It's all part of the growing process. And though growing pains are inherent to growth, I'm no longer afraid to endure that pain.
I've started to realize little by little that people will do what they want, regardless of what you might tell them... or show them. I'm almost scared that I'm getting caught up in all of it, but in trying to separate myself from things I don't like, I end up separating myself from people. It's hard to find that balance, where you don't like what a person believes, or does, or even says, yet you don't feel like imposing your beliefs on them. Part of that stems from the lack of connection I have with some people, but sometimes it's more than that. How do you ask a good friend "What the hell are you doing?" That's not my thing. I know how it feels to the receiving end of that. Nobody likes to be told what they're doing isn't right. Or thinking. Or saying. When does concern become judgement? I wish someone could tell me all the times I do things I don't need to be doing... things which don't benefit myself or anyone around me... these are sensitive issues. I can't say I'm above everything I don't like, but I'm working on it. The first step is understanding what the problem is. Just because it's not hurting anyone doesn't mean there aren't better ways to use your time... or your talents. Then again, I could just be wrong about everything.
My roommates have been hinting that I've been a little antisocial lately, but I think there's a antisocial vibe running through this house. There's too much being left unsaid and undone. I wish it wasn't like pulling teeth to find something to talk about or do, but I'm finding myself less and less interested in what goes on here. It's hard to have a relationship with people you don't relate to.
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