i feel like my life has been posoined

i want a new life

withdrawal

I've been banking the little bits of motivation that I've been saving up. It may not be much at all, but with all the interest it's been collecting, it's something. I've got to make sure I don't blow it all in one place.

No matter how much you try and give people the benefit of the doubt, you will be let down at some point.

newness

A void is an empty space, a blank page, a clean slate.
What better than to fill that space with something altogether new or different?

I think that's something I can run with.

40mph on an unwaxed snowboard ain't too bad of a start.
I need some wax.

open invitation

They say dreams are a window into your subconscious, maybe even into your soul. I had two this morning that have me wondering.

Dream sequence #1:

[I don't remember this one that clearly... skipping to the first clear thing] I was sitting behind the large desk downstairs in the den, but I was at the house I used to live in back before 9th grade. I was having an argument with my mom [I guess everything was shifted back in time except it didn't seem like I was a different age... funny] about a fight I got into. Actually, I basically got jumped by four or five guys. And I was pistol whipped. My mom was upset that I got into a fight in the first place, and I was upset that she wasn't having any sympathy on me, not to mention the fact that I didn't do anything to provoke the fight in the first place.

Then as I was trying to explain what happened to my mom, I went into a dream flashback and saw myself get surrounded my the four or five guys who jumped me, in what seemed to be my kitchen [probably as a loose reconstruction of "past events" in the "present" tense and setting of the dream]. Right at the start, I got pistol whipped [butt of the gun] and then take a beating. I don't think I was even halfway conscious at that point. [I don't remember much after that]

End dream sequence #1

Dream sequence #2:

First thing I remember is asking my friend "L" to stay over for a little while. He stayed somewhere that looked like on of the three story apartment complexes in Irvine. Then for some reason I remembered that one of my one homegirls also lived there, and apparently didn't mind if I stayed over, so I went into her apartment and found that nobody was home. I wanted to take a shower, and then suddenly I'm walking around in my boxers [only because nobody was home] and then lost track of the time wandering around the apartment.

[Then there's a shift in the setting] I found myself in the apartment of "Y" [who I haven't seen in a while], and remembered him talking about how nice his room was. So I kept walking around [these apartments seemed more like large five bedroom houses in my dream] and found a large bedroom, very nicely furnished, with a walk in closet opposite the bed. I looked in and it was like a cave, but I thought the clothes in there didn't look like things "Y" would normally wear. Then I walked around and found a connected room that was a little smaller and looked in the closet and figured it must be "Y's" room. I sat down for a minute by the bed in the second room and "G" walks in, not too surprised to see me. Then friend "K" comes in and things come together in my head.

I didn't know "K" had lived with "Y", or even anywhere close, and it was obvious from the look on "K's" face that he was caught in a lie. Then he half apologizes [without bothering to look me in the eye] and tries to talk about something to avoid the awkwardness. All I could think about was what a damn fool I've been for not thinking something was up. That, plus the fact it seemed there were more than a few people helping keep the secret [though I couldn't think of any reason why "K" would lie about that, other than to passive-aggressively avoid me.

End dream sequence #2

Sometimes dreams seem closer to reality than reality itself.

persona non grata

.

I wonder what it would be like to have to relearn how to walk.

It would probably be countless hours of frustration, but on the other hand, there's the opportunity to throw everything automatic out the window and take things (quite literally) step by step.

All things considered, I think an experience like that would do me well right now.

Turn off auto-pilot so to speak.

In other news, I cooked sinigang for the first time ever.

I <3 sour.

the hazy days
of life's parade
are keeping me from seeing all that i've done
no way to leave
no air to breathe

the frenzied pace
all but erased
the memories of just how far i've come
no other way
no more to say

there's not a bridge to burn
there's nothing left to learn
don't matter where you turn
cause all roads lead to you
to you

so i ran away
tried to escape
the winding roads that carried me to my fate
no way to live
no more to give

i lost my way
and stopped to pray
watch over me
cause i am losing my faith

and it's a bore
searching for
need something more
just be sure

there's not a bridge to burn
there's nothing left to learn
don't matter where you turn
cause all roads lead to you
to you

always gone but never hard to find
and since you can't escape me do i ever cross your mind...


...i'm looking forward to the memories of right now
never forgetting from where i came
and no matter where i'm headed i promise to stay the same

strange dreams

*wild disaster situation
hurricane force winds
driving down the freeway
cars and people being lifted off by the wind
get to safety inside a restaurant
i sit at a booth across from a girl
we start talking about how crazy the day is
she starts catching feelings

*sitting on some couches or benches with a bunch of people
sitting right next to hot cold
she says that i'm too close to her
so i stand up and sit down again
but then her leg is pushed up against my leg and she doesn't say anything

for lack of better words or simply because it seems appropriate
fuck my life.
fuck my birthday.
fuck.

There's a lot that can be said about the unsaid things that come up in life, especially when you're talking about how we all are tied together. I believe the fabric of the society is often as convoluted and mysterious as the fabric of the universe, and the seams that keep things in order are constantly being sewn and resewn, and sometimes torn apart completely.

I always have my most vivid dreams right before my alarm or right after I hit snooze.

*begin dream sequence

It's my birthday party. Lots of family in the garage, and some of my friends too. Lester was there, but I think he was family (we're related?).

**Strange transition 1

I'm driving down the 71 ( the freeway by my house), but it's unpaved. There was a lot of construction going on so I had to slow down a stop a lot. The construction workers were checking driver's tongues for something, but I don't know what. I'm pretty sure someone was in the passenger seat, but I can' remember who. There were several forks in the road, and it seemed like we were going in circles at one point.

At one point we had to get out of the car and walk. For some reason now we were very gung ho about it. Now I realize I was traveling with a girl (but i still don't remember who). We came to a very narrow part in a trail, which went up along the side of a mountain. It was rocky and slippery, almost jungle like. It was almost impossible to fit through a hole in a rock formation and I couldn't get a good grip anywhere. There was only a narrow ledge to grip to try and step up some really short, steep rock steps. It turns out we were on top of a giant horn and right at the mouthpiece. Right as I was about to risk falling to try to fit through the rock opening I saw a sign that suggested we blow into the horn. When we did something opened up and we slid down a corkscrew in the horn (like it was Raging Waters or something)

** Strange Transition 2

I was in my apartment (even though we were just at my house) watching Aladin with my wife (wtf?!?!... let's call herJane) when my dad shows up to our apartment. He says something to me and then goes to the bathroom down the hall to take a shower. After a little while Jane wants some... attention, we run down the hallway to our bedroom, only my dad exits the bathroom at the same time, impeding our progress. Suddenly it's very awkward. She makes it to the room ahead of me while i'm stalled by my dad. After a few moments I finally get to the bedroom. There's a bunk bed or loft bed in the middle of the room a little off to the side and not much else, except for some pillows on the floor. Jane wife is up in the bed, fast asleep.

** Strange Transition 3

I go back into the living room and our roommates (another couple) are moving some things around. It looks like they decided to renovate their room. They replaced the toilet (in their room?!?!) and added a wood burning stove/heater in the middle of the room with a exhaust pipe through the ceiling.

** Strange Transition 4

I'm back in my bedroom, and I climb the bunk bed to wake up Jane. It looks like she's hiding under the covers, but when I pull them away, she's not there. Suddenly it starts raining hard, with thunder and lightning. I look out the window and I realize my driver's side car window is open (as it is in real life--the damn thing won't roll up) . I rush outside to get to the garage (at my house... even though I'm at my apartment?!?!) to switch my brothers car and my car, which was outside in the driveway. Once I got outside, I was in downtown LA (although it also could have been downtown Chicago). I ran around the corner to the next building where my brother was so I could get his keys. As I was running, someone down the street pulled out two antique style pistols and started shooting randomly at people. I made it around the corner safely, but another guy pulled out a gun and started shooting randomly as well.

I ducked into the building and ran to the elevators. Once the doors opened up I went in and pushed a button, but there were some other people waiting, a girl wearing a hat and a guy. They didn't enter right away though. Instead the girl stands at the doors and looks at me funny. I start staring at her because she's staring at me and then i realize it's Josie. They finally step into the elevator and I ask her what's she's doing here and she introduces me to her husband.

*end dream sequence